I'm Having a Baby!! Advice?

[Woz]

On 11/5/2018 at 8:11 AM, The Gnat said:

My wife has some FOMO and it can keep her from wanting to sleep, so I'm going to have to safe guard her against that, and unfortunately I don't get that much time off from work, so that first week I'm going to be able to help with letting her sleep as much as I possibly can.

Oh that will clear up REAL QUICK!

On 11/5/2018 at 8:11 AM, The Gnat said:

We had some friends where one half of the night one of them would be on baby duty and the other half of the night the other one would be on baby duty, they weren't breast feeding so I think that made it easier for them to work that schedule, but we've talked about trying something like that, but I'm sure it'll take us some time to get it figured out.

Did that with the first one. That is only feasible if the first shift parent can fall asleep quickly once they turn over the monitoring. If/when she goes back to work, that becomes a lot more tricky.

[The Gnat]

Baby is here and wife and I have successfully survived the first week. Now I'm back at home and she'll have to survive today with a friend coming over, but on her own, before her parents come and stay with us for a week. I was hoping that they would get a hotel so that they could not be around in the evening all the time, but they think they are hard up for money or will run out of money because her dad had to retire earlier than he wanted, he claims he would have retired in the next few years anyways, but really the job was his life so I doubt it. I foresee having to send them off on their a few evenings this week just so that we can relax. Thus far things have been going well, it was a long week with a few appointments, but we have a healthy baby boy.

[Woz]

3 hours ago, The Gnat said:

Baby is here and wife and I have successfully survived the first week. Now I'm back at home and she'll have to survive today with a friend coming over, but on her own, before her parents come and stay with us for a week. I was hoping that they would get a hotel so that they could not be around in the evening all the time, but they think they are hard up for money or will run out of money because her dad had to retire earlier than he wanted, he claims he would have retired in the next few years anyways, but really the job was his life so I doubt it. I foresee having to send them off on their a few evenings this week just so that we can relax. Thus far things have been going well, it was a long week with a few appointments, but we have a healthy baby boy.

Congrats!

... and good luck.

 

Somehow, I suspect the Board Game thread is going to get a lot quieter. (that is a shame, for the record)

[The Gnat]

1 minute ago, Woz said:

Congrats!

... and good luck.

 

Somehow, I suspect the Board Game thread is going to get a lot quieter. (that is a shame, for the record)

Probably, though, I'm debating about using this opportunity to play some more solo games, something that I can pause easily  myself and not worry about playing with other people. 

[Woz]

Just now, The Gnat said:

Probably, though, I'm debating about using this opportunity to play some more solo games, something that I can pause easily  myself and not worry about playing with other people. 

Of course as soon as I wrote that message, I see you posted over there two hours ago. Keep at it, if you can!

I'll be curious to hear what you think of the solo games. (one option: Sherlock Holmes, Consulting Detective)

[TXsteeler]

Speaking of watching babies throughout the night. How much attention do they actually need, can you just turn most of that time into hobby time?

[Woz]

Just now, TXsteeler said:

Speaking of watching babies throughout the night. How much attention do they actually need, can you just turn most of that time into hobby time?

If they're asleep, next to zero.
If they're not, depends on what they are doing. If they're feeding (and you're a woman who is breastfeeding), you've got one hand free. If they're a feeding and you're using a bottle, with some practice, you can do it with one hand free.

 

However, I will say it again: you will not truly appreciate why the United Nations considers sleep deprivation a form of torture until you have your firstborn. Yes yes, you say to yourself, I get it; you don't a lot of sleep.

No.

You don't get it.

[TXsteeler]

1 minute ago, Woz said:

If they're asleep, next to zero.
If they're not, depends on what they are doing. If they're feeding (and you're a woman who is breastfeeding), you've got one hand free. If they're a feeding and you're using a bottle, with some practice, you can do it with one hand free.

 

However, I will say it again: you will not truly appreciate why the United Nations considers sleep deprivation a form of torture until you have your firstborn. Yes yes, you say to yourself, I get it; you don't a lot of sleep.

No.

You don't get it.

How little sleep are we talking? And for how long?

[Woz]

Just now, TXsteeler said:

How little sleep are we talking? And for how long?

An infant wakes up about every two to three hours to feed.

So, let's assume your wife does this. She gets up, grabs the screaming monstrosity, and shoves a breast in its face. All done right?

Oh nonono. See, because likely the baby, having eaten previously, also needs his/her diaper changed. And if the diaper wasn't on tight the last time, it may have leaked out into the baby's clothes, requiring a change of the onesie/outfit. Of course, you need to do that while preventing the child from rolling around on the changing table. So, you changed the baby. Now you can feed him/her.

Wait, you thought you changed the child after feeding them? They're cold and wet (or smelly). Do you think they want to eat while soiled? Do you want to feed them on your shoulder while they're soiled?

Okay, feeding's done. All done right?

Didn't burp the baby did you? Okay, that's just five or seven minutes ... but of course, they'll spit up on you and them. That requires another change.

Once all that is done, sure, it's back to bedtime. Oh wait, do you think the baby just immediately falls asleep? You're funny. No, now you have to soothe the baby down. Finally, they're asleep. As you gently put them back in the crib, you will inevitably knock against something or possibly them against the side of the crib. Repeat soothing.

So all of that is now done. Call it 30-45 minutes. You back out slowly, close the door, and head back to bed. Do you fall asleep right away? Of course not.

That of course assumes that the baby doesn't decide he/she wants to be active and play and won't go back to sleep.

 

BTW, did you see my assumption way up at the top there? Yeah, if you make mom feed every time, you are a soon-to-be dead man.

You think I'm joking. Ha ha. No.

See, Dad also gets to have fun. But these are different steps. Now, you have to either deal with warming up breast milk and/or formula. Too cold and the baby will scream. Too hot and the baby will scream. So, you have to check the temperature multiple times to make sure it is just right. Then you get to go through the rest of this whole scenario.

Sometimes, it's easy: change the diaper (but not the outfit), feed the kid, burp the kid (and manage to contain all of the spit up on the spit cloth), and sooth the kid quickly and quietly. Sometimes, not so much. Maybe it's 30 minutes. Maybe it's two and a half hours.

 

Your night effectively turns into a series of a kind-of restful naps. Deep sleep is a luxury you no longer have.

 

Again, this happens every two to three hours every night and day. As they get a bit older, that time frame can go a bit longer (of course, they start teething which is its own circle of hell). As for how long:

https://www.babycenter.com/404_when-can-my-baby-start-sleeping-through-the-night_1368534.bc

Quote

Nearly all babies are able to sleep through the night by 6 months, but when they do is very different depending on the child.

Some infants as young as 3 months old can snooze for six to eight hours at a stretch. Others won't sleep this long until they're 12 months old. But most babies (70 percent) do sleep through the night by the time they hit 9 months, according to the National Sleep Foundation.

Sleeping "through the night" usually means sleeping for eight to 12 hours straight without needing a nighttime feeding.

 

There's a reason I advised all soon-to-be expecting dads to avoid all life-changing decisions for three months after your newborn arrives. Your brain will not be functioning on all cylinders.

[RavensTillIDie]

And here I was thinking I was ready for a kid. Thanks for setting me straight @Woz...

[JaguarCrazy2832]

We are finishing up the 2nd trimester right now. Apparently the people throwing my wife's baby shower decided it would be great to do it at 33-35 weeks...I didn't know this when they sent the invitations out. My wife is freaking out a bit because we dont have much of anything yet because we are waiting to pick up everything else after we get what we get from the shower but if the kid comes early we won't have much of anything so she's panicking. Should we just go ahead and buy a bunch of stuff we think we need?

[Woz]

17 hours ago, RavensTillIDie said:

And here I was thinking I was ready for a kid. Thanks for setting me straight @Woz...

No one is ever truly ready. Shouldn't discourage you from doing it if you want to be a dad. The thing you have to realize is that you will screw up, but that in the vast majority of cases it won't be as catastrophic as you believe/fear it is at the time.

[MWil23]

I've got 3 kids ages 4 and under at home. I'm not a perfect parent by any means, but I'm happy to share any advice for any specific questions that you have.

[Woz]

15 hours ago, JaguarCrazy2832 said:

We are finishing up the 2nd trimester right now. Apparently the people throwing my wife's baby shower decided it would be great to do it at 33-35 weeks...I didn't know this when they sent the invitations out. My wife is freaking out a bit because we dont have much of anything yet because we are waiting to pick up everything else after we get what we get from the shower but if the kid comes early we won't have much of anything so she's panicking. Should we just go ahead and buy a bunch of stuff we think we need?

https://www.babyboxco.com/
https://www.finnbin.com/collections/all (if you want more than just a box)

Yes, I'm being serious. Yes, you can have your baby sleep in a cardboard box (there is a foam mattress that comes with it). No, it is not child abuse (the Finns have been doing it for 80+ years and have one of the lowest infant mortality rates in the world). The only thing that you will need that some of the collections don't have is a car seat. Go get that, if for no other reason that it gives you multiple weeks to wrench it into place (and recovery time at the chiropractor to put your spine back in place after contorting yourself into weird angles to get the darn thing in your way-tinier-than-you-thought back seat).

Is it a long term solution? Probably not. But if she's worried that you won't have anything if the baby comes early, consider this a hedge.

Also, a suggestion: show her this post so you aren't to blame if/when you show it to her. Provided you followed that:

 

Hello Ms. JaguarCrazy2832! First off, congrats! The box is my idea/suggestion, not his, so don't blame him if he presented it to you. I'm just a dad of two (10 y.o. son, 9 y.o. daughter), not a pediatrician or any sort of specialist.

Some information about the baby boxes that aren't just some rando on the Internet's ravings:

• Pro
  • https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2017/03/26/521399385/states-give-new-parents-baby-boxes-to-encourge-safe-sleep-habits
  • https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-22751415
• Con
  • https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/24/well/family/put-your-baby-in-a-box-experts-advise-caution.html

If these work for you, then go for it. If they don't, that's fine too. This was just me trying to help you both out with a fall back plan if the kid comes early. Chances are, you're making unnecessary plans for low odds situations, but that's parenting for you.

 

On a more general note: give yourself room to make mistakes or not have things go to plan. You have this idea in your head of what motherhood is and what child-rearing is. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but what you envision is almost assuredly wrong. Every kid is different. It will likely not work out like you expect. That is okay. You are not a bad parent. Do what works for you and your child, not what you are "supposed" to do or you expect you are supposed to do. Obviously, this doesn't mean do things that are actively dangerous, but just because you are expected to do X doesn't mean you have to do X if it doesn't work.

As an example: with our first born, my wife had to stop breastfeeding way earlier than she intended/planned (medical issue came up). She beat herself up over the fact that our son had to go on formula. He's now ten and in advanced classes.

Or with me: my mom loves to tell the story of the time she took me in for my 18 month or two year check up and the doctor asked what I was eating (as I was a bit underweight). My mom replied "raisins and apple juice." The doctor was horrified, saying that this wasn't a balanced diet. My mom then replied "you didn't ask what I was feeding him, you asked what he was eating. I give him plenty of things, but he'll only eat raisins and drink apple juice." I'm now a moderator around here ... wait ... maybe that isn't a point in my favor.

 

The short version is: breathe. You're going to be going through the single most stressful thing in your life. You are afraid. That is normal. All the books in the world cannot really prepare you for motherhood (or fatherhood, JC). This isn't to say that the books aren't helpful (they are), but they are head knowledge; you will have to learn on the fly what something like colic, jaundice or HFM is. When they occur, it may feel like the world is falling down or that you're horrible parents and you've cursed this child forever. Those feelings are common. They're also incorrect.

You will get advice from family, friends, and randos on the Internet. It usually given out of a place of love and empathy, but it may not be useful/helpful. That too, unfortunately, is normal. The only one you really should give the benefit of the doubt to automatically is your pediatrician. They're used to first-timers being twitchy about each little burp that doesn't sound right, or color of effluvia that looks wrong. They'll answer any questions/concerns you might have, like if it is a good idea for your child to sleep in a cardboard box.

Believe it or not, while you might have no idea what to do in a given moment, you can do it and get through it successfully. Every first-time parent gets panicky. It comes with the territory.

 

Back to the baby shower for a moment: if you have someone (probably family or close friend, especially if they are that "creative" friend) who is having a hard time coming up with what to get for the baby shower, recommend a "diaper cake" (have them look up). Trust me, this is probably the best gift you can get (if you get multiple, thank them both ... mo' diaper cakes == mo' better). You will wonder how/where they lace all of the platinum and diamonds in those bloody things, given the price point.

Obviously, if you're going with cloth diapers, then this isn't such a good idea (you might want to pass that along to your soon-to-be guests so they don't make a cake). Also, if you're going with cloth diapers, make sure you have a good cleaning service. And godspeed on that front.

[JaguarCrazy2832]

5 hours ago, Woz said:

https://www.babyboxco.com/
https://www.finnbin.com/collections/all (if you want more than just a box)

Yes, I'm being serious. Yes, you can have your baby sleep in a cardboard box (there is a foam mattress that comes with it). No, it is not child abuse (the Finns have been doing it for 80+ years and have one of the lowest infant mortality rates in the world). The only thing that you will need that some of the collections don't have is a car seat. Go get that, if for no other reason that it gives you multiple weeks to wrench it into place (and recovery time at the chiropractor to put your spine back in place after contorting yourself into weird angles to get the darn thing in your way-tinier-than-you-thought back seat).

Is it a long term solution? Probably not. But if she's worried that you won't have anything if the baby comes early, consider this a hedge.

Also, a suggestion: show her this post so you aren't to blame if/when you show it to her. Provided you followed that:

 

Hello Ms. JaguarCrazy2832! First off, congrats! The box is my idea/suggestion, not his, so don't blame him if he presented it to you. I'm just a dad of two (10 y.o. son, 9 y.o. daughter), not a pediatrician or any sort of specialist.

Some information about the baby boxes that aren't just some rando on the Internet's ravings:

• Pro
  • https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2017/03/26/521399385/states-give-new-parents-baby-boxes-to-encourge-safe-sleep-habits
  • https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-22751415
• Con
  • https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/24/well/family/put-your-baby-in-a-box-experts-advise-caution.html

If these work for you, then go for it. If they don't, that's fine too. This was just me trying to help you both out with a fall back plan if the kid comes early. Chances are, you're making unnecessary plans for low odds situations, but that's parenting for you.

 

On a more general note: give yourself room to make mistakes or not have things go to plan. You have this idea in your head of what motherhood is and what child-rearing is. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but what you envision is almost assuredly wrong. Every kid is different. It will likely not work out like you expect. That is okay. You are not a bad parent. Do what works for you and your child, not what you are "supposed" to do or you expect you are supposed to do. Obviously, this doesn't mean do things that are actively dangerous, but just because you are expected to do X doesn't mean you have to do X if it doesn't work.

As an example: with our first born, my wife had to stop breastfeeding way earlier than she intended/planned (medical issue came up). She beat herself up over the fact that our son had to go on formula. He's now ten and in advanced classes.

Or with me: my mom loves to tell the story of the time she took me in for my 18 month or two year check up and the doctor asked what I was eating (as I was a bit underweight). My mom replied "raisins and apple juice." The doctor was horrified, saying that this wasn't a balanced diet. My mom then replied "you didn't ask what I was feeding him, you asked what he was eating. I give him plenty of things, but he'll only eat raisins and drink apple juice." I'm now a moderator around here ... wait ... maybe that isn't a point in my favor.

 

The short version is: breathe. You're going to be going through the single most stressful thing in your life. You are afraid. That is normal. All the books in the world cannot really prepare you for motherhood (or fatherhood, JC). This isn't to say that the books aren't helpful (they are), but they are head knowledge; you will have to learn on the fly what something like colic, jaundice or HFM is. When they occur, it may feel like the world is falling down or that you're horrible parents and you've cursed this child forever. Those feelings are common. They're also incorrect.

You will get advice from family, friends, and randos on the Internet. It usually given out of a place of love and empathy, but it may not be useful/helpful. That too, unfortunately, is normal. The only one you really should give the benefit of the doubt to automatically is your pediatrician. They're used to first-timers being twitchy about each little burp that doesn't sound right, or color of effluvia that looks wrong. They'll answer any questions/concerns you might have, like if it is a good idea for your child to sleep in a cardboard box.

Believe it or not, while you might have no idea what to do in a given moment, you can do it and get through it successfully. Every first-time parent gets panicky. It comes with the territory.

 

Back to the baby shower for a moment: if you have someone (probably family or close friend, especially if they are that "creative" friend) who is having a hard time coming up with what to get for the baby shower, recommend a "diaper cake" (have them look up). Trust me, this is probably the best gift you can get (if you get multiple, thank them both ... mo' diaper cakes == mo' better). You will wonder how/where they lace all of the platinum and diamonds in those bloody things, given the price point.

Obviously, if you're going with cloth diapers, then this isn't such a good idea (you might want to pass that along to your soon-to-be guests so they don't make a cake). Also, if you're going with cloth diapers, make sure you have a good cleaning service. And godspeed on that front.

We will be buying diapers for sure

i don’t know what that thing is you’re mentioning. I love the advice though thanks.

I will show this too her soon. Thanks Woz