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Kamakura Kamikazes - Season 2


Techbert

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"What am I supposed to do with this?" asked Norman Arey, the World's Laziest Public Affairs Director. "'Kamikazes Claim Roberto Aguayo k Chi.'"

"Publish it."

"No one cares. He's a kicker, and he has funny eyebrows."

"Whatever, man. I was just told to give it to you."

"You gave it to me. Now sit down and have a drink with me. First round is on you."

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  • 4 months later...

"So Norm... ya got your year-end summaries done?"

"Sure."

"Good. Expect to see them soon."

"Right-o," the World's Laziest Public Affairs Director thought. "Right after I put out the pre-season transactions."

Kamis are assigned via waivers the following:

Conor McDermott ot Buf

TJ Clemmings og Wash

Ted Karras c NE

Andrew DePaolo ls Chi

 

Opening Day Roster:

qb Nick Foles, Cardale Jones, EJ Manuel, Brandon Allen

rb Demarco Murray, Joe Mixon, CJ Spiller, Brian Hill

wr Josh Doctson, Braxton Miller, Mike Wallace, Dede Westbrook, Andy Jones

te Charles Clay, Coby Fleener, George Kittle, Logan Thomas

ol Marcus Cannon, Robert Massie, Josh Sitton, Bryan Witzmann, Cody Whitehair, Conor McDermott, TJ Clemmings Ted Karras

de Myles Garrett, Dean Lowry, Roy Robertson-Harris, Robert Ayers, Noah Spence

dt Javon Hargrave, Brandon Mebane, Tim Jernigan, DJ Jones, Andrew Billings

lb Jamie Collins, Danny Trevathan, Jordan Evans, Jeremy Cash, Kamu Gruiger-Hill, Terrance Smith

cb Brent Grimes, Jalen Mills, Ken Crawley, Mackensie Alexander

s Jamal Adams, Tashaun Gipson, Kentrell Brice, Lorenzo Jerome, Trae Elston

st Younghoe Koo k, Matt Haack p, Andrew DePaolo ds

 

In-season Trade: Send 2(18) for Jimmy Garappolo qb SF.

 

Post-season: Kamikazes fired their head coach, and believed to have interviewed Matt Patricia, among others.

matt-patricia-goodell-clown-shirt.png

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  • 2 weeks later...

Norman Arey, the World's Laziest Public Affairs Director, showed up to work, which felt really strange. He was sober, which felt even stranger. He was disoriented, like in a dream where you show up to work naked or lost. Considering how he felt, being naked or lost would have been an improvement.

"Nice haircut, Norm!" someone said as they passed him in the hallway. Norman was taken aback, and had no idea how to respond, being sober and all. Social interactions were alien in this condition. "Thanks," he finally managed, but the other guy was long gone.

"Just pretend you are drunk," he thought to himself. "Then everything will make sense."

He turned into an office with several cubicles. A plain woman was working at a computer, the kind of girl that made beer goggles an essential part of any evening out. "Excuse me, miss, is this Andy Anderson's office?"

"Yes," she answered cheerfully. "He's out for the day. I'm Andi Anderson."

Norman stood there waiting for that to make sense. He waited a long time. It never did. He decided to start over. "Excuse me, miss, is this Andy Anderson's office?"

"Yes it is. He's at the dentist and won't be back. Perhaps I can help you?"

"And your name is..."

"Andi."

"Andy.... No. Andy helped me last year with a team summary. You couldn't possible help me with that. You are not Andy."

"I am Andi. And I doubt if Andy was the one that helped you last year. Andy is in accounts payable, and not very knowledgeable about football."

"What do you do?"

"I am in accounts payable."

"Of course you are. But Andy helped me last year. Big guy. Smelled of cloves. Liked gin and tonics."

"That sounds more like Johnny Johnson than Andy Anderson. Johnny was a team scout."

"Yeah, that sounds good. Where is he?"

"He quit six months ago, and now manages a Chuck E Cheese's in San Bernardino, CA."

Norm thought about that, and it hurt. Physically hurt. "That's too far. I need this, or they might actually fire me. Are you sure you can't help me?"

"I can try. I don't know much about football."

Norm felt dizzy and almost fell. It was the sobriety, he was sure. "That's great, sweetie. But can we do this somewhere else, like over drinks?"

She beamed. "Let me get my purse."

...

"Quarterback?"

"They traded for Jimmy Garoppolo 6/5 in mid-season. Gawd, he's handsome!"

"That's true. Garrolo is a good looking man. I think he came out of the womb needing a shave."

"G-A-R-O-P-P-O-L-O. Learn it. He'll be on the team for a long time, once they sign him."

"That's what I said. Gappolo."

"They only gave him 3 starts at the end of the season. One, they are all jealous. Two, they realized they were never going to match the Browns for last place. Three, the rest of the team loves him and would have revolted if Jimmy did not play. He won two of the three games he started."

"How many games did we win for the season? Again?"

"Three, silly."

"Three. Who were the other quarterbacks? Don't make me pull all this data out of you. You have a job to do, here."

"Nick Foles 7/3 was the second best. I think he'll be Jimmy's primary backup next season. He won one game of the 6 he started. Manuel 2/1, Jones 0/0, and Allen (R) 0/0 each got starts but were not effective.

"Garoppolo has a lightning-quick release, exceptional accuracy and ball placement, and plenty of arm. High football IQ and off-the-charts leadership. Franchise quarterback. And sooo dreamy! Foles is streaky, but throws a pretty deep ball and is strong with his pre-snap reads. I just wish he had better footwork. That is the root cause of his accuracy issues. Manuel is not very good in the pocket. Jones had mid-range accuracy issues and still has problem with his reads. Brandon Allen is nice looking and can develop, but he's not very big or sturdy. He's a bizarro Cardale Jones. But what do I know? I'm just a girl."

"You're doing fine, sweetie. Tell me about the receivers."

"Sure, hon. Mike Wallace was our #1 receiver, but he's 31 and between you and me, I think he's slowing down. 52 catches for 748 yards. We're still waiting for Josh Doctson, who's had some injuries. 35 catches, 502 yards, but some big plays. Braxton Miller filled in, but only 162 yards on 19 catches. {Whispering} I think he's too in love with double and triple moves. {Speaking} Dede Westbrook has been our fun rookie, after he got back from injuries. 27 catches for 339 yards in five starts.  Michael Floyd didn't do much. Rookies who saw the field include Quincy Adeboyejo, Andy Jones, and Krishawn Hogan.

"At tight end, rookie George Kittle loves to hit, but he's also fast and quick. Good blocking, 43 catches, 515 yards. Charles Clay is our reliable veteran and had 49/558. Coby Fleener (R) had 22/295 and Logan Thomas, the former quarterback had a few starts and catches. Jake Butt (R) was injured but makes me giggle.

"Joe Mixon 14/7 was worked into the starting lineup, and I don't expect Murray 15/15 back next year. Dixon was out all year. Brian Hill 7/0 is hanging around.

"Our offensive line usually ran Marcus Cannon 7/7, Josh Sitton 13/13, Cody Whitehair 16/16, Bryan Witzmann 16/13, and Bobby Massie (15/15). Cannon's injury hurt, and his place was filled by a combo of TJ Clemmings (R) 6/2, Adam Bisnowaty 1/1, and Conor McDermott 3/0. Not Pretty. We got inside help from Ted Karras 16/2, Jake Brendel 16/0, and Anthony Fabiano 5/1. Not so much from Eric Kush (R), Nico Siragusa (R), bust Dorian Johnson, Jess Dunker (R), or Jack Allen (R). Some people are going to lose jobs this season."

"This is all very interesting, Sugar Booger, and you tell it so well, but can we take a break? My head hurts, and this bar is closing."

"Help me put on my coat. We'll do the defense soon."

 


 

 

 

 

 

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  • 1 month later...

Norman Arey, World's Laziest Public Affairs Director, was violently shaken awake. "I'm moving, officer."

"No, silly. It's me, Andi."

"Oh. What do you want?"

"I just had the weirdest dream. Dreamboat Garoppolo had orange hair, but we loved him anyway."

"That's nice," Norm said, and rolled over.

"No! Here's the weird part! Nick Foles took over the team when Garoppolo was injured, won two playoff games, and then won the Super Bowl!

"Our Nick Foles?"

"Our Nick Foles!"

"That's one crazy dream. Lay off the Welsh Rarebit for a while."

"I know. Couldn't happen in real life."

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  • 2 weeks later...

Norman Arey, World's Laziest Public Affairs Director, staggered into Andi's office drunk as a skunk. He would not repeat the mistake of coming into the office sober.

A frumpy middle-aged man with a bad suit was trying to feed paper into a fax machine. "Ah! You must be the Norman Arey, here for the recap of defensive Kamakura Kamikazes!"

"I'm looking for Andi. You're not Andi."

"No. I am Peter Petrovich, international scout. Very important! In five years, 20% of NFL will be Russian!"

"Where's Andi?"

"Andi is at dentist."

"No. Andy is at the dentist."

"Andy is at chiropractor today. Andi at dentist. I use their office for important international scouting."

"Oh... I need Andi."

"Andi is at dentist. All day. Very very bad cavity. Peter help you. I have vodka!"

"Okay! Peter help me. Pour us...." Norm watches Peter gulp down vodka. "Or we'll just drink out of the bottle."

"Good! Now defense. Line is stout. Worthy of Mother Russia! Garrett (11/9) is man-child. Noah Spence (6/3) looks like he will recover from injuries. Robert Ayers (12/10) can still play and can play up. Lowery (16/11) can stop the run and has good athleticism. Roy Robertson-Harris (13/0) is developing and Cowser (16/0) may be back. At tackle, we rotated Mebane (16/16), Jernigan (15/15), Hargraves (16/12), and Billings (15/7). Also DJ Jones (9/0). Mebane is becoming aged, and Billings needs the boot in the butt. Others are good, good.

"Linebacker needs many many Russian reinforcements, particularly if new boss puts the 3-4 defense on the field.  Collins (6/6) is paid many dollars to not be healthy. Trevathan (12/12) is battling the injuries, too. Jordan Evans (15/4) thrown in too soon and played poorly as rookie. We used Terrance Smith (15/1), Gruiger-Hill (16/0), and BJ Bello (16/0), who should have been only special teams. A couple more. Very bad linebacking!

"Cornerback had Brent Grimes (13/13) (Hi, Miko!) and Jalen Mills (15/15), with Ken Crawley (13/13), Mackensie Alexander (14/0) and a few others. At safety, Adams (16/16) was buzz-worthy, and Gipson (16/16) was overshadowed but good. Brice (6/3) was hurt but Nacua (16/3) was okay. Brandon Wilson (8/0) played some special teams. Defensive backfield was maybe okay. Maybe. Sort of. A bit okay. Needs one or two Russians."

"Can we go over special teams? I don't want to do this again."

"Sure. Haack (16/0) punted okay. Koo (4/0) was a disaster, but kept all year. Stubborn Evil Techbert! DePaola (16/0) snapped long.  Returners and gunners maybe average. Needs Russians."

"What was our record again?"

"3-13. Three times better than last season. Should be nine wins next year! Seriously, this team has a good core. With Garoppolo signed long-term and a solid draft class, it could make some noise in NFC West."

 

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