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Tank Bawse: milking this cow for all its worth


Ty21

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FEAST yo eyes on the

BEAST who cried when Pizza Hut 

CEASED the p’zone. Find a 

PRIEST before this dude

RELEASE his wrath upon the

EAST back in Pittsburgh. You’ll be callin the

POLICE when you see this massive ball of 

GREASE leave yo *** grandma 

DECEASED. He may not be good at much but the man is an

ARTISTE. He gonna leave yo girl with a 

YEAST infection. He’s the man you wanna be around the

LEAST. 

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO,

THE OG FAT BASTARD RETURNS

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The Steelers were in dire straights. Their elite running back Leveon Bell revealed that his holdout wasn’t due to him not getting enough money from the NFL, but from Dairy Queen. Sure enough, Dairy Queen folded and offered Bell a whole dollar above minimum wage to start and Bell signed that contract faster than Kristen Bell signs an autograph at comic con. Deeply frustrated, the powers that be decided James Conner would have to do. It worked fine in the first week when he randomly had over 100 yards for no reason (Bell was so pissed about this that he turned a Blizzard upside down at work and it schlopped directly onto the counter) but the second week he showed his true colors and ran for just 2.1 yards per carry, which would be pretty heckin decent in rocket football but in the nfl it only is okay if you’re Jerome Bettis. The powers that be got refrustrated and ran outside to a taco truck, one of thousands in big cities. At first glance they thought it was closed because it was so dark inside but upon further evaluation, it was a human that was so massive that his flesh bloated out the window and door and made it appear as though it was dark and empty inside. Upon calling out to the mysterious terrifyingly curious unquestionably delirious existentially hideous blob, it responded with “dem man I just wan me sum nuggs”. It appeared as though the man had broken into the taco stand and had eaten so much that he was stuck in the truck and had been for some time. Long enough to start missing those nuggs real bad. The local fire department and worked night and day and finally deconstructed the entire truck and what was left afterwords left the powers that be with nothing but smiles. “Let’s see the Browns stop THIS!”

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The Steelers brought in Tank Bawse and introduced him to the locker room. They instantly forced him to take a shower, as he smelled worse than @Dome after an entire shift of beating meat or whatever he does that makes him smell so damn bad. Ben Roethlisberger peeped into the shower and exclaimed “damn those are some of the nicest conscious titties I’ve EVER seen!” A smell of fast food wafted into the locker room, which triggered Bawse’s hunger so bad that he passed out right there. “Ope,” Ben Roethlisberger said, “those aren’t even in the top 100 for best unconscious titties I’ve ever seen.”

 

Pittsburgh Steelers 3 Cleveland Browns 16

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Tankies first game was pretty okayish. He ran for 37 yards on 19 carries for just 1.9 ypc, but the powers that be passed this off with “we just didn’t give him enough carries. Give him 52.7 carries a game? He’ll run for over 100 every time.” He looked substantially better in the passing game, accounting for most of Ben’s target en route to 91 yards on 9 catches. 

 

Game stuff:

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tank bawse as seen in the locker room ordering 127 crunchwrap supremes on Taco Bell’s mobile website

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beefy boi rocking the 40’s helmet 

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already changing the game as we know it with his “play dead but I’m not actually dead so throw it to me here” route

human truckstick: https://i.imgur.com/v0ehIGX.mp4

stats 

19 car 37 yds 1.9 ypc 37.0 ypg 0 td 1 fum 3 btk 

9 cat 91 yds 10.1 ypc 91.0 ypg 0 td

Tank is ranked 35th in rush yards so far, 8th in carries, 16th in receiving yards and 4th in receptions ps how do you turn off italics god damn

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19 minutes ago, Tyty said:

They instantly forced him to take a shower, as he smelled worse than @Dome after an entire shift of beating meat or whatever he does that makes him smell so damn bad

I smell of strong bourbon, smokey campfire, and fine women 

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