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Relationship Advice Thread


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5 hours ago, bluemushrooms said:

Yeah you're right.

For context and for anyone hoping to get back with an ex, I previously dated this girl for 5 years (first love) and after a 5-6 year break, I ran into her and we decided to try it again.

My ex made the right call by deciding to break it off.  We were more roommates/friends and we love each other a ton.  It just sucks so bad that we had it all except for the romance...

 

This break up is the saddest thing I've ever experienced lol.  No specific reason for it to end, no fighting, no cheating, no nothing.  We love each other but, just didn't love each other enough romantically and now we have to go No Contact and potentially never talk 

 

Was there never a romantic spark or did it just fade? 

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59 minutes ago, WizeGuy said:

Was there never a romantic spark or did it just fade? 

Think it faded.  We ran into a ton of **** luck the past five months: I just kind of fell into a general life slump and we had a pretty serious (but false) pregnancy scare.  We didn't really set ourselves up for success.

 

We have different expectations too.  She was definitely looking for a more dreamy relationship with a stronger spark/romance whereas I'm 100% ok with having someone as a best friend as long as there's a touch of romance involved.  I think the eternal spark thing is pretty BS but, it doesn't matter because her expectations are hers to own, not mine so, just gotta roll with it.  

 

At the risk of sounding like a chump I don't think we've seen the last of each other.  We're both only 24 and even though we've tried twice and failed, I get this gut feeling we'll be seeing each other again down the road.  But I'm talking 5-10 years down the road once we've grown and potentially found or no longer need whatever piece of the puzzle we're missing.  I'm not going to sit on my hands and do nothing in the meanwhile but, man I just feel like we really have something special and we're just missing 1 tiny thing to make it all work.  

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8 minutes ago, bluemushrooms said:

I'm not going to sit on my hands and do nothing in the meanwhile but, man I just feel like we really have something special and we're just missing 1 tiny thing to make it all work.  

This is the most important thing. Don't sit around waiting to get back together. Be you and live your life. You can still have feelings for her and enjoy your time away. I know you've been through this before with her but a breakup never gets easier. It is even harder losing your best friend. You just need to give yourself some time away from her and lean on your other friends. It sucks but avoid her social media account, avoid seeing her in person for a while. That stuff will only make you miss her more. Once I did that, everything got easier.

If 5-10 years down the line, after you guys changed yourselves and you found that spark, then you can try it again. But don't sit around waiting for that day to come. Go be yourself.

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9 minutes ago, Jetfan66 said:

This is the most important thing. Don't sit around waiting to get back together. Be you and live your life. You can still have feelings for her and enjoy your time away. I know you've been through this before with her but a breakup never gets easier. It is even harder losing your best friend. You just need to give yourself some time away from her and lean on your other friends. It sucks but avoid her social media account, avoid seeing her in person for a while. That stuff will only make you miss her more. Once I did that, everything got easier.

If 5-10 years down the line, after you guys changed yourselves and you found that spark, then you can try it again. But don't sit around waiting for that day to come. Go be yourself.

Yeah 100% agree.  Already blocked her on social media and don't intend on seeing her in person anytime soon.  

 

I think her honesty and straightforwardness made this whole thing easier to manage.  I told her how I felt, she said she loved me but not "in the way that counts" and I'm cool with that.  We had been trying hard to fix our issues for the past couple months so, I know that she really really did want it all to work and it broke my heart when she started crying on the phone during our breakup call saying how badly she wanted it to work out with me.  I'd love to try it again 5-10 years down the line but, I can accept that right now it didn't work for **** so, I'm gonna keep moving along.  Maybe down the road something will happen but, as you said, I'm not going to wait around for it or try to force it.  

 

I think a lot of people get hung up on being unable to move on if they love someone.  Honestly, until this relationship, I never really fully understood/internalized that you can love someone, even if they don't love you back, and keep moving along in life.  

 

 

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25 minutes ago, bluemushrooms said:

Think it faded.  We ran into a ton of **** luck the past five months: I just kind of fell into a general life slump and we had a pretty serious (but false) pregnancy scare.  We didn't really set ourselves up for success.

 

We have different expectations too.  She was definitely looking for a more dreamy relationship with a stronger spark/romance whereas I'm 100% ok with having someone as a best friend as long as there's a touch of romance involved.  I think the eternal spark thing is pretty BS but, it doesn't matter because her expectations are hers to own, not mine so, just gotta roll with it.  

 

At the risk of sounding like a chump I don't think we've seen the last of each other.  We're both only 24 and even though we've tried twice and failed, I get this gut feeling we'll be seeing each other again down the road.  But I'm talking 5-10 years down the road once we've grown and potentially found or no longer need whatever piece of the puzzle we're missing.  I'm not going to sit on my hands and do nothing in the meanwhile but, man I just feel like we really have something special and we're just missing 1 tiny thing to make it all work.  

So I'm thinking there are two possibilities here:

She's either the type of woman who gets bored and can't stay committed once the honeymoon phase has ended. She always wants something new and exciting.  Lost cause. 

Or

You aren't doing your part keep the spark going.  

 

Every relationship goes through phases.  The beginning is always the easiest- you're getting to know each other,  creating new memories,  and humping like rabbits.  Once that initial excitement of 'holy **** we're falling in love' wears off you need to put in work to keep your woman satisfied.  

 

This includes putting in the effort to setup dates, mini vacations,  etc...things that keep the spark alive when it naturally fades a bit.  Many men fail here.  We get complacent,  and they get bored. Women sincerely appreciate a man that puts effort into a relationship,  and appreciation is what keeps the love alive. 

Do your put to make your woman feel loved and appreciated, and you'll reap the rewards of a fulfilling relationship. 

 

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1 minute ago, WizeGuy said:

So I'm thinking there are two possibilities here:

She's either the type of woman who gets bored and can't stay committed once the honeymoon phase has ended. She always wants something new and exciting.  Lost cause. 

Or

You aren't doing your part keep the spark going.  

 

Every relationship goes through phases.  The beginning is always the easiest- you're getting to know each other,  creating new memories,  and humping like rabbits.  Once that initial excitement of 'holy **** we're falling in love' wears off you need to put in work to keep your woman satisfied.  

 

This includes putting in the effort to setup dates, mini vacations,  etc...things that keep the spark alive when it naturally fades a bit.  Many men fail here.  We get complacent,  and they get bored. Women sincerely appreciate a man that puts effort into a relationship,  and appreciation is what keeps the love alive. 

Do your put to make your woman feel loved and appreciated, and you'll reap the rewards of a fulfilling relationship. 

 

Think it was a combination of both.  She had some really high expectations and thought we were going to have a romantic movie ending as HS sweethearts that got back together and breeze into a long term relationship.

I definitely could've tried harder to make her feel more appreciated but, it sounds so stupid now, sometimes I felt scared to look like a punk by trying to please her too much.

 

High expectations and my mistakes = RIP.  We just couldn't break out of our rut once we fell into it.  

 

You're completely right here.  Thanks for the protip; sucks that it had to end this way.  Maybe we'll get another chance in the future or I'll get to take this newfound knowledge to a different and better relationship.  

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14 hours ago, Jetfan66 said:

This is the most important thing. Don't sit around waiting to get back together. Be you and live your life. You can still have feelings for her and enjoy your time away. I know you've been through this before with her but a breakup never gets easier. It is even harder losing your best friend. You just need to give yourself some time away from her and lean on your other friends. It sucks but avoid her social media account, avoid seeing her in person for a while. That stuff will only make you miss her more. Once I did that, everything got easier.

If 5-10 years down the line, after you guys changed yourselves and you found that spark, then you can try it again. But don't sit around waiting for that day to come. Go be yourself.

Well, I gave her a call yesterday and essentially said, to her surprise, that I think she made the right call by breaking it up.  Told her that I think we have something special even though it didn't work out, and that I'll be thinking of her and love her when we're apart, she said "me too".  

 

Made it clear we can't talk for a while.  She seemed to want to restart communications asap (6 months) and I just told her we can talk whenever we feel ready down the road and if either one of us isn't ready, just say so straight up and we can try to talk again later.  I don't think I'd want to do anything for at least a couple years but w/e will deal with that in the future.  

 

Also told her that I think we deserve to be in each other's lives one way or another and that I really think we have a good chance again down the road to make it as a couple, after we both do some growing and get some more relationship experience.  I did say we could be friends down the road too, obviously right now I'm not cool with that but, who knows where we'll be at in the future so, I didn't want to cut that road off either.  

 

She agreed with everything I said and, well, I essentially just entered the most open, open relationship of my life.  This definitely set me back a little bit in recovery/moving on but, I think opening up future possibilities was worth it.

 

For now, I just have to suck it all up, move on, be myself and try to find something better.  Gotta try and leave the future up to the wind but, feels good to know that I kept the bridge open instead of burning it down.

 

Hopefully I handled this in a sensible and mature way?  Idk if people do this all the time while in denial or if her and I are just a couple of hopeless romantic chumps haha.

Either way, thanks for the advice (and WizGuy).  You two guys just gave me the most useful relationship advice I've ever received so, seriously, thanks.  

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8 minutes ago, Texansfan713 said:

I'm thinking about taking my gf out for our 1 month anniversary on the 23rd of this month.  I'm going to buy her Just Dance for her Nintendo switch and take her out to eat somewhere.  That's good right? LOL

You don't have to buy her anything for a 1 month. You don't even need to take her out, just spend some quality time together.

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10 hours ago, Texansfan713 said:

my bad guys.....it's 1 year. LOL dont know why I accidently put 1 month.  we began dating nov 23rd of last year. 

Whew, had me scared amigo.

As to whether or not that's good, only you'd know that. If I bought my wife a video game for an anniversary there'd be a lot of lonely nights to follow.  I'm not sure she's ever seen a video game before.  That said, everyone's different.  If that game has some special meaning to her or both of you, then go for it.

As far as dinner, just try to make it somewhere different or special.  Again, an Applebee's with a 3 course special for 12 bucks per person isn't the goal.  Try to find a really unique or meaningful place, chicks love that crap.

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Damnit I thought we really had a grown man ask what he should do for his 1 month anniversary. Pretty disappointed.

Was going to suggest stuffing her locker with roses or having flowers delivered to 1st Period History Class.

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