Relationship Advice Thread

[NCOUGHMAN]

1 hour ago, MWil23 said:

Maybe I should have clarified:

What does SHE like to do/value together? Have you made this a priority to her/said "Hey, what do you want to do? We need a date night."/whatever in your own words.

You're preaching to the choir buddy.

I hear that man! We have 3 kids 5 and under. Time together is a rarity and stage of life things happen. Like you said, with work, school at night, etc., it makes it difficult. Have you tried to say something along the lines of "Hey, so life is crazy. I want you to know I want things to return to normal here soon, but right now things are tough."

I HIGHLY recommend. It's an absolute relationship game changer. How you perceive giving/receiving love is probably drastically different from her.

You probably see things as providing for her/the family and showing love through acts of service like work, making ends meet, etc. and are probably irritated that she doesn't pick up on this,  meaning you may feel devalued or don't perceive that there's an issue at all. You put bread on the table, help pay  the bills, get the kids their basic needs/where they need to be, and you do it because you love her and your family.

On the contrary, she probably wants words of affirmation/time and attention, meaning she wants to talk or wants you to acknowledge what she's doing as well. If she doesn't get that, she probably feels like you don't care/she's being brushed off or that you're not listening to her.

I bet you're a "fix the problem" person too (I am). A phrase that's helped me with my wife, when she's telling me about an issue/problem:

"Do you want me to fix it, or do you want me to listen?"

Ah, I knew it!!!!

Absolutely! I hope it works out. Relationships are tough.

Last Mother’s Day I thought me waking up cleaning the house would be great for her but she wasn’t impressed and was kinda upset saying she’d rather just cuddle in bed. But just a week before she was b-ing about me never helping around the house lol go figure 

im a fixer too always trying to find a logical solution 

Edited January 22, 2020 by NCOUGHMAN

[Malfatron]

1 hour ago, MWil23 said:

i bet you're a "fix the problem" person too (I am). A phrase that's helped me with my wife, when she's telling me about an issue/problem:

im not.

My wife says "The garbage is overflowing and needs to go out"

me: "awww, i'm sorry to hear that. Tell me all about how that makes you feel. Im here for you, babe."

[NCOUGHMAN]

On 1/20/2020 at 8:45 AM, NYRaider said:

It’s just even worse because I’ve financially supported her for the last two years and have lived in the Bay Area away from all of my friends and family so she could pursue school. And now I’m going to have to move and figure out my entire life within a month. 

Sucks but like I say I’d rather lose 1500$ than 15k. I’ve hit rock bottom before cause of a relationship and I took me half a year to get back. Prepare for the grind and try not to put your eggs in one basket. I learned to always have a escape route just in case of emergencies 

[NCOUGHMAN]

https://365tests.com/personality-tests/what-is-your-love-language/

interesting I was physical touch love language 

[MWil23]

26 minutes ago, NCOUGHMAN said:

https://365tests.com/personality-tests/what-is-your-love-language/

interesting I was physical touch love language 

Ask her to take one

[NCOUGHMAN]

43 minutes ago, MWil23 said:

Ask her to take one

She did she was the same lol

Edited January 22, 2020 by NCOUGHMAN

[holt_bruce81]

So my Girlfriend and I are in the early stages of looking to move. 

We currently live about 10 minutes from the rest of her Family, whereas my family is about 40-45 minutes west, which isn't bad at all honestly. I want to move closer to my family. For reasons that have nothing to do with Family. It's a saver location, it has better school districts for our 2 kids, taxes are better and the housing market is a ton better. We live right across the river currently, so we're in Illinois and I want to move to Missouri. 

She is totally against it. I found a beautiful home 45 minutes away from her Mom and Sister and it was in a GREAT school district and a really nice location. She had no interest. She said, "the only way I move there is if my mom and sister come too."....

Like what? is she being extremely unreasonable or am I being the selfish one? Sure I'm moving closer to my family but I'm first and foremost thinking about the kids...Saver location, better schools....

I mean its frustrating because at times I feel like she cares more about her mom and sister than she does about the future of OUR family. 

[Shanedorf]

4 hours ago, holt_bruce81 said:

I mean its frustrating because at times I feel like she cares more about her mom and sister than she does about the future of OUR family. 

You are using logic and reason to persuade vs her love of her family and desire to be near them.
You're not wrong in your plan, its actually quite sound. Unfortunately,  none of your reasons ( taxes, schools, finances) carry much weight when it comes to breaking the umbilical cord.

What would happen if you pitched your plan to the Mom and the sister ? Would they dismiss it or would they be more open to your suggestions ?
I'm guessing they would not be interested in having her move 45 minutes away. Depending on the age of your kids, its a fair chance they wouldn't be up for it either. So you are vastly outnumbered and will either have to move all of them or none of them given their current stance

So you need a new strategy that they will all buy into and see as an upgrade over what they have now.
Can you all move into the same neighborhood in the new location ? 2 minutes away instead of 10 ?
How old is her Mom and how long before she needs some assistance with her day-to-day life ?

Good luck

 

[vike daddy]

9 hours ago, holt_bruce81 said:

Like what? is she being extremely unreasonable or am I being the selfish one? Sure I'm moving closer to my family but I'm first and foremost thinking about the kids...Saver location, better schools....

hey, if she doesn't want to move there, then she doesn't. what are you going to do, insist she does?

find a place that works for both of you, and make your decisions together.

[Texansfan713]

On 1/16/2018 at 1:47 PM, ET80 said:

Wow...um...wow, yeah. She's just not that into you. 

As much as it sucks, you gotta walk. You'll be better off breaking it off with her, you're worth someone who can reciprocate your feelings. From the sounds of it, she's just using you.

You can do better, Alfred.

i know that post was back in january 2018 but your last sentence really inspired me @ET80.   long story short,  we broke up in dec by the end of the same year.  i couldnt take it anymore.  i had to remove all contact from her. (ie removing her from FB, and my phone).  fast forward to currently i tried using eharmony to date.  tried the 6 month membership.  im an currently talking to this girl right now from eharmony.  we have gone on 3 dates already.  our 4th one is next sunday where we going to watch the SB somewhere. basically on our dates we vibe really well.  she offers to pay for our dates and vise versa.  she is real nice and she looks like she has a mindset what she wants in a relationship.  our last date we went to the escape room in midtown. only downside is that she isnt a real heavy texter and doesnt talk on the phone but i dont mind that because she never goes ghost on me (i can expect a text during the same day). 

Edited January 26, 2020 by Texansfan713

[vikesfan89]

31 minutes ago, Texansfan713 said:

i know that post was back in january 2018 but your last sentence really inspired me @ET80.   long story short,  we broke up in dec by the end of the same year.  i couldnt take it anymore.  i had to remove all contact from her. (ie removing her from FB, and my phone).  fast forward to currently i tried using eharmony to date.  tried the 6 month membership.  im an currently talking to this girl right now from eharmony.  we have gone on 3 dates already.  our 4th one is next sunday where we going to watch the SB somewhere. basically on our dates we vibe really well.  she offers to pay for our dates and vise versa.  she is real nice and she looks like she has a mindset what she wants in a relationship.  our last date we went to the escape room in midtown. only downside is that she isnt a real heavy texter and doesnt talk on the phone but i dont mind that because she never goes ghost on me (i can expect a text during the same day). 

Have you tried any other dating sites or just e-Harmony?

[49ersfan]

Been stuck in a rut, haven't had any success with my social circle or dating apps recently. I sometimes vibe with women at my job but i don't date at work unless they or i am leaving, so thats generally too complicated. Too many variables at play.

One of my local museums throws events every now and then, like kind of a nightclub atmosphere but with art. I'm going to go to one of these and see what happens. And...idk if its sad or not, but i'm considering signing up for a speed dating event. Not getting any younger, have to try something new.

[Texansfan713]

10 hours ago, vikesfan89 said:

Have you tried any other dating sites or just e-Harmony?

just eharmony.  my cousin convinced me to try online dating.  i was going to do christian mingle but there arent that many people on it like eharmony has.  

[ET80]

15 hours ago, Texansfan713 said:

i know that post was back in january 2018 but your last sentence really inspired me @ET80.   long story short,  we broke up in dec by the end of the same year.  i couldnt take it anymore.  i had to remove all contact from her. (ie removing her from FB, and my phone).  fast forward to currently i tried using eharmony to date.  tried the 6 month membership.  im an currently talking to this girl right now from eharmony.  we have gone on 3 dates already.  our 4th one is next sunday where we going to watch the SB somewhere. basically on our dates we vibe really well.  she offers to pay for our dates and vise versa.  she is real nice and she looks like she has a mindset what she wants in a relationship.  our last date we went to the escape room in midtown. only downside is that she isnt a real heavy texter and doesnt talk on the phone but i dont mind that because she never goes ghost on me (i can expect a text during the same day). 

I'm very happy to hear this - good for you buddy, so happy for you. 

[vike daddy]

10 hours ago, 49ersfan said:

Been stuck in a rut, haven't had any success with my social circle or dating apps recently. I sometimes vibe with women at my job but i don't date at work unless they or i am leaving, so thats generally too complicated. Too many variables at play.

One of my local museums throws events every now and then, like kind of a nightclub atmosphere but with art. I'm going to go to one of these and see what happens. And...idk if its sad or not, but i'm considering signing up for a speed dating event. Not getting any younger, have to try something new.

good for you!

finding the right partner, the act of FINDING her or him, is a numbers game. you're looking for someone that is at best a 1 in 100 person, possibly quite higher even. so you have to involve yourself in a lot of opportunities for it to work out.