vike daddy Posted June 6, 2022 Share Posted June 6, 2022 @naptownskinsfan i know this is tough for a guy with anxiety issues to just start doing, but i have to say you're overthinking the situation and need to just let it be, let it progress on its own. but i do want to commend you on your personal gains and clear attention to making your life better. also, try to avoid any sarcastic or overly intellectualized remarks to her. it seems like she is a very literal person, so doesn't catch your intended nuances, and then that creates backtracking issues on its own. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
naptownskinsfan Posted June 6, 2022 Share Posted June 6, 2022 5 hours ago, vike daddy said: @naptownskinsfan i know this is tough for a guy with anxiety issues to just start doing, but i have to say you're overthinking the situation and need to just let it be, let it progress on its own. but i do want to commend you on your personal gains and clear attention to making your life better. also, try to avoid any sarcastic or overly intellectualized remarks to her. it seems like she is a very literal person, so doesn't catch your intended nuances, and then that creates backtracking issues on its own. I appreciate the feedback. I had a lot going for me before meeting her, just need to get back into the groove. She already confirmed work will be crazy again this week due to the death I might have mentioned, so I’ll just keep busy with other things/people. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MWil23 Posted June 7, 2022 Share Posted June 7, 2022 @naptownskinsfan the one thing I had to learn when dating my now wife was that even though she is/was my best friend, she shouldn’t be treated like one of my “buddies”. So sarcastic jokes and side comment jokes that are negative that are absolutely good with that group wouldn’t fly with her. It’s part of the learning curve and a somewhat normal thing for a lot of us to work through. Take responsibility, tell her you’re making a concerted effort to care for her the way she deserves, and let her know that you will probably mess up again and to let you know if you do because you want to identify these things so you know how to improve as a boyfriend. JMHO 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vike daddy Posted June 7, 2022 Share Posted June 7, 2022 41 minutes ago, MWil23 said: @naptownskinsfan the one thing I had to learn when dating my now wife was that even though she is/was my best friend, she shouldn’t be treated like one of my “buddies”. So sarcastic jokes and side comment jokes that are negative that are absolutely good with that group wouldn’t fly with her. to add to this. when we use sarcasm with people we don't yet know well, it's usually done out of nervousness. so combatting that will gain a larger effect overall anyway. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
naptownskinsfan Posted June 8, 2022 Share Posted June 8, 2022 I appreciate the advice from you guys. After I posted that, I heard from her Monday afternoon, not sure if I mentioned that in a reply or not. She said that she was going to be busy again due to the family having someone pass away. I told her that I was sorry to hear it, and to let me know if she needed help with anything and not to worry about getting together this week. haven’t heard from her since. A close friend of mine mentioned to me that she needs to be flexible and find time and that it can’t be me, but that it was a good thing she reached out to let me know that. another friend basically agreed. do I reach out just to check in…..and checking in is NOT going to be “hey when are we getting together again?” or do I let her be the one to reinitiate contact overall? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vike daddy Posted June 8, 2022 Share Posted June 8, 2022 it's fine to reach out with a caring message of "I hope everything is going as well as it can for you, and you and your family are coping as best you can." but do not expect a reply or be disheartened if you don't get one. got to let her be with family and grieve. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
naptownskinsfan Posted June 8, 2022 Share Posted June 8, 2022 1 hour ago, vike daddy said: it's fine to reach out with a caring message of "I hope everything is going as well as it can for you, and you and your family are coping as best you can." but do not expect a reply or be disheartened if you don't get one. got to let her be with family and grieve. It’s the family she is working for, not her family, but I get what you are saying because the same principles of being busy and overwhelmed applies here. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
minutemancl Posted June 8, 2022 Share Posted June 8, 2022 @naptownskinsfan You may benefit from working on yourself a little in this time. Not saying you aren't good enough and need to improve in anything at all, but I mean just taking time for yourself. Indulge yourself in one of your hobbies or try out a new one. Besides doing something you like and hopefully enjoying it, it serves to occupy your mind which helps with anxiety and potentially reduces dependency on others. It does work for most people, you just gotta find your niche. Stressing about communication with this girl isn't going to do you any good. By all accounts, you are doing all the right things. You should be able to make yourself busy when she is busy so there isn't a lopsided dynamic there. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daniel Posted June 8, 2022 Share Posted June 8, 2022 5 hours ago, naptownskinsfan said: I appreciate the advice from you guys. After I posted that, I heard from her Monday afternoon, not sure if I mentioned that in a reply or not. She said that she was going to be busy again due to the family having someone pass away. I told her that I was sorry to hear it, and to let me know if she needed help with anything and not to worry about getting together this week. haven’t heard from her since. A close friend of mine mentioned to me that she needs to be flexible and find time and that it can’t be me, but that it was a good thing she reached out to let me know that. another friend basically agreed. do I reach out just to check in…..and checking in is NOT going to be “hey when are we getting together again?” or do I let her be the one to reinitiate contact overall? 3 hours ago, vike daddy said: it's fine to reach out with a caring message of "I hope everything is going as well as it can for you, and you and your family are coping as best you can." but do not expect a reply or be disheartened if you don't get one. got to let her be with family and grieve. 1 hour ago, minutemancl said: @naptownskinsfan You may benefit from working on yourself a little in this time. Not saying you aren't good enough and need to improve in anything at all, but I mean just taking time for yourself. Indulge yourself in one of your hobbies or try out a new one. Besides doing something you like and hopefully enjoying it, it serves to occupy your mind which helps with anxiety and potentially reduces dependency on others. It does work for most people, you just gotta find your niche. Stressing about communication with this girl isn't going to do you any good. By all accounts, you are doing all the right things. You should be able to make yourself busy when she is busy so there isn't a lopsided dynamic there. These are good posts. Listen to these. A reach out message is fine, like VD said, but I'd maybe give it another day, and I would even go so far as to say structure it like a message that isn't supposed to be replied to. Just well wishes/empathy if you do it at all. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MWil23 Posted June 8, 2022 Share Posted June 8, 2022 5 hours ago, naptownskinsfan said: I appreciate the advice from you guys. After I posted that, I heard from her Monday afternoon, not sure if I mentioned that in a reply or not. She said that she was going to be busy again due to the family having someone pass away. I told her that I was sorry to hear it, and to let me know if she needed help with anything and not to worry about getting together this week. haven’t heard from her since. A close friend of mine mentioned to me that she needs to be flexible and find time and that it can’t be me, but that it was a good thing she reached out to let me know that. another friend basically agreed. do I reach out just to check in…..and checking in is NOT going to be “hey when are we getting together again?” or do I let her be the one to reinitiate contact overall? Are you guys at the point of where she’d like a flower or edible arrangement delivery? It isn’t everyone’s love language, but sometimes those “gifts” are somewhat nice. A small message like “Thinking of you during your busy week” might be appropriate, then don’t ask about whether or not she got them. Keep it low key when she says thanks, like “I thought maybe you could use a pick me up” or “I hope you enjoyed it/them”. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vike daddy Posted June 9, 2022 Share Posted June 9, 2022 9 hours ago, MWil23 said: Are you guys at the point of where she’d like a flower or edible arrangement delivery? It isn’t everyone’s love language, but sometimes those “gifts” are somewhat nice. A small message like “Thinking of you during your busy week” might be appropriate, then don’t ask about whether or not she got them. Keep it low key when she says thanks, like “I thought maybe you could use a pick me up” or “I hope you enjoyed it/them”. i actually disagree in this instance, with this gal. while the sentiment is genuine and positive, the effect may not be. she might see it as invasive and that he needs to just be on hold until she contacts him. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteelKing728 Posted June 9, 2022 Share Posted June 9, 2022 On 6/2/2022 at 8:52 PM, FrantikRam said: I think a distinction needs to be made between agreeing on things and being flexible. Flexibility comes naturally when you truly love someone. Compatibility check lists can lead to loving the idea of someone more than the person, which is also a recipe for a potential failed marriage. My wife grew up religious and going to church - I did not. She loves me enough to not require me to go, I love her enough to go. Ironically our families were opposites in terms of politics as well - but neither of us feel strongly and both generally despise the lack of common sense even if we lean in opposite directions on certain issues. You do need to get on the same page with kids for what you mentioned - but it's impossible to be fully prepared for a kid until they're here. And as anyone here with kids can attest to, **** is going to happen nonstop. Things that you can't prepare for and have to react to and adjust to in real time. Communication is the most important thing from that perspective. But the real truth behind compatibility isn't any check list - it's how you handle adversity together. It's being aware of the aspects of your partner you don't like or irritate you - because once kids are in the equation, those things will get magnified 100 times. Another important thing is how big decisions get made - parents disagreeing on how to handle something is normal - but stubbornness and unwillingness to listen to your partner or trust their decision making is what leads to endless fights. The best relationship will be the one where both can take and cede control of decision making and have enough trust in each other to allow that to happen. So politics, religion, financial goals can all be nice to agree on - but IMO it's more important to find someone who you love and trust enough to enjoy life with. Especially because all those things can change over time anyways. That's a great response. I can see why having the same views may be important, but that's not always realistic. Being able to understand your spouse's views even if you don't agree with them might be even more important. Anyways, I only came back in hopes of the firestorm I created over promise rings was still raging on. Needless to say, I'm highly disappointed lol 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
naptownskinsfan Posted June 9, 2022 Share Posted June 9, 2022 On 6/8/2022 at 11:55 AM, Daniel said: These are good posts. Listen to these. A reach out message is fine, like VD said, but I'd maybe give it another day, and I would even go so far as to say structure it like a message that isn't supposed to be replied to. Just well wishes/empathy if you do it at all. It was good advice to give it another day, because she reached out this morning and apologized for not being great at communicating recently, and that it’s been an insane week. I told her it was the same for me so all good, and that I hoped it was easing up. She said she was sorry my week was busy too, hers was still hectic but the end is in sight, and my last response was that i wasn’t worried about mine since I get a break tomorrow, but I was glad the end was in sight because she deserved the recovery time. I’m going to continue to match what she puts in while this is going on. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daniel Posted June 9, 2022 Share Posted June 9, 2022 26 minutes ago, naptownskinsfan said: It was good advice to give it another day, because she reached out this morning and apologized for not being great at communicating recently, and that it’s been an insane week. I told her it was the same for me so all good, and that I hoped it was easing up. She said she was sorry my week was busy too, hers was still hectic but the end is in sight, and my last response was that i wasn’t worried about mine since I get a break tomorrow, but I was glad the end was in sight because she deserved the recovery time. I’m going to continue to match what she puts in while this is going on. Good call. It's easy to get in your own head in these situations, but that's usually all you're doing. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Texansfan713 Posted June 10, 2022 Share Posted June 10, 2022 do you guys think good morning texts are a big deal? like if you text your SO good morning and she doesnt respond to it would you feel a type of way? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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