Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
soulman

Couldn't Resist A Little Pre-Game Jab At The Tundrans

Recommended Posts

Our Bears will have Green Bay baying in pain
rhuppke@chicagotribune.com
Rex W. Huppke


Like a gross glop of melted cheddar oozing down the side of an arterially offensive Wisconsin butter burger, the Green Bay Packers are heading south toward Soldier Field to lose to the Chicago Bears in Thursday night’s NFL season opener.

For those who, understandably, have forgotten Wisconsin exists — it’s kind of the Tiffany Trump of the Midwest — let me refresh your memory. Due north of us is a state populated mainly by cheese curds and disappointment, a plump chunk of inhospitable land called Wisconsin, a name that originated from a Native American word meaning “Are we to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan yet? Seriously, this is taking FOREVER and if I see another Culver’s I’m going to lose it.”

Tucked inconveniently in the dingier northeast region of Wisconsin is a city called Green Bay. A French explorer originally named the area “La Baie des Puants,” which means “The Bay of the Stinks.” (I wish I was making that part up, but it’s true .)

Because the name was a bit too on the nose, the settlement was renamed “Baie Verte,” which ended up anglicized to “Green Bay.” All the French people soon died of boredom and heart disease and Green Bay became known for football and nothing else.

That’s enough backstory, so let’s move forward to Thursday’s epic clash between the Bears and The Bay of the Stinks Packers.
The Wisconsin team rolls into town led by quarterback Aaron Rodgers, one of the NFL’s all-time leaders in having a name spelling that seems unnecessarily complicated. I would criticize Rodgers or sling a clever insult or nine in his direction, but my mother taught me to never make fun of senior citizens. So I’ll refrain.

What’s important is the Packers were bad last year, finishing third in the division, while the Bears were magnificent and made it to the playoffs where they were swiftly eliminated by gravity. More on that in a minute.

The Packers will be breaking in a new head coach, former Tennessee Titans offensive coordinator Matt LaFleur, whose last name is a French word for “nervous around bears.” So the team starts at a disadvantage, with players distracted by the possibility their coach will see Bears linebacker Khalil Mack and immediately oui-oui his pantalon.

Mack, the devourer of quarterbacks, has an Aaron-Rodgers-shaped hole in his stomach waiting to be filled. While he alone is intimidating, the entire Bears defense, which was rated No. 1 last season, should be enough to make LaFleur wish he never left Tennessee to move to a state that is Flyover Country even for the people who live in Flyover Country.

Of course defense isn’t all this year’s Bears have to offer. Following the end of a decadeslong Illinois moratorium on decent quarterbacks, the Bears offense now has young QB Mitch Trubisky entering his third year. Expectations are high that he’ll be good at throwing the ball to people who will catch it and score points, preferably people who are on his team, which would be a notable departure from the behavior of his predecessors.

Add in last year’s NFL coach of the year Matt Nagy and the Bears are primed to make the playoffs two seasons in a row for the first time since the mid-2000s.

Perhaps the only X-factor for the team is Eddy Pinieiro, the kicker. For those who haven’t had this memory surgically removed from their brain tissue, last season ended swiftly and shockingly when Bears kicker Cody Parkey missed a field goal, the ball doinking off the upright then re-doinking off the crossbar before dropping to the ground.

It was immediately branded “the Double Doink,” and it led the Bears to send Parkey packing in the offseason.

Following an intense search for a doink-averse kicker, the Bears brass decided to enter the season with Pinieiro as the starter. The second-year pro celebrated by missing an extra point in a preseason game, appearing to briefly forget that the big yellow goal post thingys are at the end of the field and not along the sideline. The good news was the ball didn’t doink; the bad news was the ball wasn’t even in doinking range.

My prediction, based on my many sources in the football world, of whom I have none, is that Pinieiro will be just fine and will likely win Thursday night’s game against the Packers on a “quintuple doink.” That’s when the ball hits the upright, then the crossbar, then bounces off Aaron Rodgers’ helmet on the sideline, then ricochets off a fan’s “Green Bay Sucks!” sign, then gently hits coach LaFleur (who has just changed his pants for the fifth time) before sailing through the uprights.

The Packers will leave Soldier Field disconsolate and face the long (approximately 37 hours) drive back to their homes along the foul-smelling bay.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Courtesy of Trib columnist Rex Huppke here's a little boost to go with you morning coffee.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Another thread about the packers? Alot of this stuff could be put in the already on going threads about the packers.

 

All it does is push the countless other threads to page 2 that don't get going becuse they het barried.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh snap....not this again.

Then, with all due respect go to Page 2 and resurrect whichever ones you want back on Page 1 and push this one down if you like.

It was humorous.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

.  Never mind.  Sorry.  Good game.  

Edited by Outpost31

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 9/5/2019 at 4:38 AM, soulman said:

Our Bears will have Green Bay baying in pain
rhuppke@chicagotribune.com
Rex W. Huppke


Like a gross glop of melted cheddar oozing down the side of an arterially offensive Wisconsin butter burger, the Green Bay Packers are heading south toward Soldier Field to lose to the Chicago Bears in Thursday night’s NFL season opener.

For those who, understandably, have forgotten Wisconsin exists — it’s kind of the Tiffany Trump of the Midwest — let me refresh your memory. Due north of us is a state populated mainly by cheese curds and disappointment, a plump chunk of inhospitable land called Wisconsin, a name that originated from a Native American word meaning “Are we to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan yet? Seriously, this is taking FOREVER and if I see another Culver’s I’m going to lose it.”

Tucked inconveniently in the dingier northeast region of Wisconsin is a city called Green Bay. A French explorer originally named the area “La Baie des Puants,” which means “The Bay of the Stinks.” (I wish I was making that part up, but it’s true .)

Because the name was a bit too on the nose, the settlement was renamed “Baie Verte,” which ended up anglicized to “Green Bay.” All the French people soon died of boredom and heart disease and Green Bay became known for football and nothing else.

That’s enough backstory, so let’s move forward to Thursday’s epic clash between the Bears and The Bay of the Stinks Packers.
The Wisconsin team rolls into town led by quarterback Aaron Rodgers, one of the NFL’s all-time leaders in having a name spelling that seems unnecessarily complicated. I would criticize Rodgers or sling a clever insult or nine in his direction, but my mother taught me to never make fun of senior citizens. So I’ll refrain.

What’s important is the Packers were bad last year, finishing third in the division, while the Bears were magnificent and made it to the playoffs where they were swiftly eliminated by gravity. More on that in a minute.

The Packers will be breaking in a new head coach, former Tennessee Titans offensive coordinator Matt LaFleur, whose last name is a French word for “nervous around bears.” So the team starts at a disadvantage, with players distracted by the possibility their coach will see Bears linebacker Khalil Mack and immediately oui-oui his pantalon.

Mack, the devourer of quarterbacks, has an Aaron-Rodgers-shaped hole in his stomach waiting to be filled. While he alone is intimidating, the entire Bears defense, which was rated No. 1 last season, should be enough to make LaFleur wish he never left Tennessee to move to a state that is Flyover Country even for the people who live in Flyover Country.

Of course defense isn’t all this year’s Bears have to offer. Following the end of a decadeslong Illinois moratorium on decent quarterbacks, the Bears offense now has young QB Mitch Trubisky entering his third year. Expectations are high that he’ll be good at throwing the ball to people who will catch it and score points, preferably people who are on his team, which would be a notable departure from the behavior of his predecessors.

Add in last year’s NFL coach of the year Matt Nagy and the Bears are primed to make the playoffs two seasons in a row for the first time since the mid-2000s.

Perhaps the only X-factor for the team is Eddy Pinieiro, the kicker. For those who haven’t had this memory surgically removed from their brain tissue, last season ended swiftly and shockingly when Bears kicker Cody Parkey missed a field goal, the ball doinking off the upright then re-doinking off the crossbar before dropping to the ground.

It was immediately branded “the Double Doink,” and it led the Bears to send Parkey packing in the offseason.

Following an intense search for a doink-averse kicker, the Bears brass decided to enter the season with Pinieiro as the starter. The second-year pro celebrated by missing an extra point in a preseason game, appearing to briefly forget that the big yellow goal post thingys are at the end of the field and not along the sideline. The good news was the ball didn’t doink; the bad news was the ball wasn’t even in doinking range.

My prediction, based on my many sources in the football world, of whom I have none, is that Pinieiro will be just fine and will likely win Thursday night’s game against the Packers on a “quintuple doink.” That’s when the ball hits the upright, then the crossbar, then bounces off Aaron Rodgers’ helmet on the sideline, then ricochets off a fan’s “Green Bay Sucks!” sign, then gently hits coach LaFleur (who has just changed his pants for the fifth time) before sailing through the uprights.

The Packers will leave Soldier Field disconsolate and face the long (approximately 37 hours) drive back to their homes along the foul-smelling bay.

and.....Hillary is a guaranteed win in 2016 LOL. Never be too cocky especially early in the season. The Bears will be fine and the Packers are better then this dummy post. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
36 minutes ago, gizmo2012 said:

and.....Hillary is a guaranteed win in 2016 LOL. Never be too cocky especially early in the season. The Bears will be fine and the Packers are better then this dummy post. 

It's humor or wasn't that made clear?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Mack is overrated because he might get injured and only gets sacks against the Broncos. Atleast that's what I was told by a certain Packer fan anyhow.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, JustAnotherFan said:

Mack is overrated because he might get injured and only gets sacks against the Broncos. Atleast that's what I was told by a certain Packer fan anyhow.

Ah, another fan of "alternative facts" (sic)!  Guess we know how he voted in the last election. :ph34r:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  



×