Mission of Law's Top-25 Players in Baseball

[Slateman]

On 1/8/2018 at 1:27 PM, GmenSeattle said:

Thread title is very misleading.

Standard set by Mission.

[mission27]

On 1/12/2018 at 1:43 PM, Slateman said:

Standard set by Mission.

Dont forget TLO

[mission27]

In order of Tom Brady breaking his hand, here are the 10 smuggest times players played through injuries or illness.  We are not going to limit this to baseball although there will be a baseball emphasis:

10. Babe Ruth's Obesity - There are plenty of fat ****s in sports but very few who rise to the level of the Babe in either talent or smugness.  Babe took down as many hot dogs as Barry Bonds did anabolic steroids and yet still managed to be the first and greatest true CS in the history of baseball.  He also smugly used his obesity as an excuse to act like a total POS because people naturally think of fat people as jolly and harmless when in reality many of them are sick in the head.  Some will argue obesity is not an injury, but just wait until you see some of the other **** we've put on this list.   

9. Eddie Gaedel's Dwarfism - People like to talk about Jose Altuve, but tbh Gaedel was every bit the player Altuve was and may even have been a couple of inches shorter.  Eddie G, whose name sounds like Ronnie G, got his start as a general in the Air Force during WWII.  Apparently he was so short he was able to smugly crawl inside the wings of airplanes to fix them.  When he was 25, he smugly borrowed Bill Dewitt's uniform, snuck his way into the Cardinals locker room, and used his dwarf charms to get himself added to the roster for a double header.  He walked in his only plate appearance, making his OBP 1.000, which is more than I can say for that flea Jose A.  All around a great accomplishment for someone of his stature. 

8. TLO's Blown Elbow - For those who don't know, TLO was actually a very promising pitcher in high school and at one point had an scholarship offer from Stanford.  Unfortunately his coach was a POS human being on a Joe Torre-esque power trip and made TLO pitch 4-5 complete games in a row in the span of a week.  His elbow exploded.  TLO visited Dr. Andrews, but his family didn't have the money for Tommy John Surgery, since his dad had spent it all on custom furniture and a new BMW.  Ultimately he was never the same, his scholarship offer was revoked, and he ended up a complete degenerate spending all his money in Vegas on hookers and blow.  With that being said, in the meantime, he developed a nasty knuckleball and had a very successful high school career.  I would say that warrants inclusion on this list tbh.

7. John Olreud's Pussyitis Brain Injury - MoL isn't exactly sure what happened to John Olreud but early in his career he was struck by a bat, or ball, or something and suffered a massive brain injury that he apparently never recovered from.  He smugly played the next 15 years or so with a helmet on his head that made him look like kind of a loser but somewhat smug at the same time.  While there isn't anything particularly smug about this as TLO will point out, and he was basically a flea, he earns a spot on this list from pure longevity.  How many guys play through an injury for 15 years?

6. Mickey Mantle ACL Tear - It never ceases to amaze the MoL that Mickey Mantle played his entire MLB career with a torn ACL and was still a top-10 or 15 player of all time.  Roger Marris got the record, but Mickey was the true smug CS and probably the prototype of the CS prospect that everyone is always looking for.  Mickey also played most of his career suffering from alcoholism and strains to other parts of his anatomy.  

5. Bloody Sock Game - While the MoL still maintains the Bloody Sock Games was BS, you've gotta give Schilling credit for the spectacle.  The guy twisted his ankle and decided he might as well use that excuse to douse his socks in ketchup or red food coloring or whatever and create a national crisis.  It somehow worked and got him elevated to hero status in Boston which he subsequently blew by smugly having ridiculous opinions about everything and being a low key con artist.  All and all, a great success. 

4. CTE - I could list a bunch of examples but that might be considered controversial, since half of these people have committed suicide or murder, so I'll just say its pretty impressive to smugly play through brain damage and a constantly lowering IQ and still be productive.  The one guy that comes to mind, tbh, is Donovan McNabb.  McNabb was a very good player but also smugly claimed he didn't know football games could end in a tie after being in the NFL for a decade.  Another good example would be Rob Gronkowski.  I'm not sure if he's had a concussion or was born with mental disabilities, but the guy is flat out stupid and still one of the all-time greats.  

3. Tiger's Broken Leg - Yeah, maybe it was more impressive before we knew he was numbing the pain with drugs, alcohol, and porn stars but you've still gotta be impressed when a guy with a broken leg, torn ACL, bad back, and several other major ailments goes out there and wins the US Open.  Its not just that he won but how he won, hitting a 12 footer on the last hole to sneak into a playoff and then smugly demolishing Rocco Mediate in sudden death. 

2. The Flu Game - In a lot of ways the flu game is a lot less impressive than some of the other things on this list, because it is only one game, compared to a guy like John Olreud who had to play his entire career with a brain injury.  However, this one involved Michael Jordan, and anything involving the great MJ is guaranteed a place among the smugger occurrence of all-time.  Not only did MJ play with the flu, he smugly scored 38 points en route to saving the toons from permanent slavery and the world from another season of Michael Jordan playing baseball. 

1. Lou Gehrig's ALS - Is anyone surprised Smug Lou checked in at #1?  Come on.  I'm not a doctor and he very well could have been symptom free his entire career until the last few years then had symptoms develop very quickly.  Still its hard not to put a guy #1 who hit .350 with 50 homers and won an MVP and five years later was dead of a degenerative neurological disease, which was then subsequently named after him.  Not to mention him smugly playing 2,130 games in a row, most likely many times through injury.  A true LKS icon.

[ramssuperbowl99]

Since A-Rod has gone from weirdo Yankee who couldn't play Jeter's SS to smugly working for both ESPN and Fox as a commentator, then banging J-Lo I want top 5 all time smuggest post sports careers where an unpopular player becomes popular.

[mission27]

On 1/23/2018 at 12:46 PM, ramssuperbowl99 said:

Since A-Rod has gone from weirdo Yankee who couldn't play Jeter's SS to smugly working for both ESPN and Fox as a commentator, then banging J-Lo I want top 5 all time smuggest post sports careers where an unpopular player becomes popular.

Tony Romo has got to be top-5.

[mission27]

On 10/30/2017 at 9:17 PM, mission27 said:

 

Celebrity deaths

Here is an update since my last list.  Very eventful 8 months. 

HM. Kate Spade - Smugly made some handbags or something. 

12. Tom Wolfe / Philip Roth - Nothing particularly smug about how they died but dying exactly one week apart is pretty smug for these two icons of smugness. 

11. Wayne Huizenga - Smugly ran the Marlins into the ground and started a trend. 

10. Anthony Bourdain - While the MoL doesn't condone suicide, Bourdain was smugly able to spend his life eating food without becoming a fat ****.  That deserves inclusion on this list.

9. Avicci - See above.  He was even thinner than Bourdain.  

8. Billy Graham - It takes a lot of smugness to advise everyone from Harry Truman to Barack Obama to Donald Trump.  Graham was able to transcend normal politics with smugness.  RIP. 

7. Jon Huntsman Sr. - Among the smugger Mormons, known for smugly supporting his sons failed bid for president against the Pancake Man. 

6. Keith Jackson - Smugly called the greatest football game of all time, he will be missed. 

5. Terry Glenn - He smugly caught a touchdown pass from Tom Brady, which not many people can say. 

4. Roy Halladay - Roy was a great pitcher and getting ya boomed by flying a stunt plane into the ocean while high on amphetamines is one way to do it.

3. Barbara Bush - The first lady was a smugness icon in her own right, but I think the smuggest part of this is George Bush becoming a bachelor again after 80 years and immediately banging Melania Trump. 

2. Verne Troyer - As far as midgets go he is probably the smuggest one.  Instead of pretending to be a baseball player he embraced his disability and was an inspiration to many thousands if not millions of midgets around the world. 

1. Stephen Hawking - One of the great smugness icons of history, overcame neurological degeneration and complete paralysis to cheat on his wife, which while ethically questionable is quite smug. 

[mission27]

So folks this thread is making a comeback.  Hold onto your hats.  We plan to finish the list.

[mission27]

On 6/21/2018 at 11:39 PM, mission27 said:

Here is an update since my last list.  Very eventful 8 months. 

HM. Kate Spade - Smugly made some handbags or something. 

12. Tom Wolfe / Philip Roth - Nothing particularly smug about how they died but dying exactly one week apart is pretty smug for these two icons of smugness. 

11. Wayne Huizenga - Smugly ran the Marlins into the ground and started a trend. 

10. Anthony Bourdain - While the MoL doesn't condone suicide, Bourdain was smugly able to spend his life eating food without becoming a fat ****.  That deserves inclusion on this list.

9. Avicci - See above.  He was even thinner than Bourdain.  

8. Billy Graham - It takes a lot of smugness to advise everyone from Harry Truman to Barack Obama to Donald Trump.  Graham was able to transcend normal politics with smugness.  RIP. 

7. Jon Huntsman Sr. - Among the smugger Mormons, known for smugly supporting his sons failed bid for president against the Pancake Man. 

6. Keith Jackson - Smugly called the greatest football game of all time, he will be missed. 

5. Terry Glenn - He smugly caught a touchdown pass from Tom Brady, which not many people can say. 

4. Roy Halladay - Roy was a great pitcher and getting ya boomed by flying a stunt plane into the ocean while high on amphetamines is one way to do it.

3. Barbara Bush - The first lady was a smugness icon in her own right, but I think the smuggest part of this is George Bush becoming a bachelor again after 80 years and immediately banging Melania Trump. 

2. Verne Troyer - As far as midgets go he is probably the smuggest one.  Instead of pretending to be a baseball player he embraced his disability and was an inspiration to many thousands if not millions of midgets around the world. 

1. Stephen Hawking - One of the great smugness icons of history, overcame neurological degeneration and complete paralysis to cheat on his wife, which while ethically questionable is quite smug. 

Here is an updated since my second list.  Very eventful 8 months. 

5. Jussie Smollets Career - I was debating whether this should be included since he didn't have much of a career to begin with but since me and TLO both had the idea to put this on the list, it had to go on.  There are few things smugger than faking a homophobic and racist hate crime on yourself but going on TV to brag about it might just take the cake. 

4. Paul Allen - Despite being a nerd and playing second fiddle to one of the greatest smug icons of all time, he came into his own in later life and made a name for himself through smugly buying sports teams and being extremely rich.  One of the smuggest sidekicks of his generation.  TLO could learn something from him.

3. Burt Reynolds - Arguably the smuggest mustache of all time although TLO's porn stache could give it a run for its money from time to time.  He smugly stared in many iconic movies of the 1970s and 80s and was well known for his smug demeanor. 

2. John McCain - Smugly refused to be released from prison so his buddies could go home first.  That's the kind of loyalty the MoL share with each other.  He was also incredibly smug about being a maverick and smugly could not move his arms.  

1. George H W Bush - 41 died as he lived, the epitome of low key smug.  He is an inspiration to us all and will be forever missed.  Somewhere up in heaven he's grabbing cheerleaders *****.

[mission27]

In honor of Mark Wahlberg's 45th birthday, TLO and I present the top-5 actors who could have smugly stopped the 9/11 terrorist attacks had they been in the planes: 

HM: Christian Bale (more on this later) 

5. Liam Neeson - This was before his wife died of a traumatic brain injury so he may not yet have been unhinged enough, which is why he only checks in at #5 on our list.  

4. Chuck Norris - From a pure martial arts standpoint, he may be the smuggest one.  The only thing keeping him from top-2 status is the smug heatedness of our top dogs. 

3. Jackie Chan - Like Chuck, his martial arts skills are quite strong, and could undeniably have overpowered the highjackers.  Also now that 41 is dead he may be the most low key smug person alive.  Certainly he is in the running.  The MoL can absolutely see him stopping a highjacking and refusing to be called a hero. 

 

2. Marky Mark - I'll let the man's smugness speak for itself: 

“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did.  There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”

While some call his comments offensive, there's no question in the MoL's mind the Bostonian smug heatedness and unjustifiable self confidence displayed in this statement could've taken out a few lunatics with box cutters. 

1. Clint Eastwood - Realistically if he'd been on the planes sitting in seat 1A they wouldn't have even tried.  I mean come on.

[mission27]

Next we present the Top-5 Smuggest Periods in Christian Bales Career When He Could Have Smugly Prevented the 9/11 Terrorist Attacks

HM: Pocahontas Bale

 

5. The Fighter Bale - Yeah he looks like an AIDS patient but he was also playing a total lunatic which would take a lot of smugness from most people but for Christian Bale is a walk in the park.  His boxing training would likely have come in handy in disarming the highjackers. 

4.  Cheney Bale - What he lacks in fitness he makes up for in hardcore neoconservative smug heatedness.  If he can shoot his friend in the face he can definitely take down some evil doers.  He also gained a lot of weight for the part and fat people are very resourceful when it comes to protecting their next meal. 

 

3. American Psycho - This was around the time he scared the **** out of Brett Easton Ellis by showing up to dinner in character as Patrick Bateman.  Its well known Bale got into character by serial murdering a bunch of people.  Not to mention Bateman works on Wall Street, at Pierce & Pierce, and would have been quite smug about saving all his friends. 

2. Terminator Bale - It takes a lot of smugness to threaten to quit a movie where you are making millions of dollars because a poor lighting guy screwed up.  The guy was completely out of control IRL going around screaming at crew on set to the point where it became a thing, its not hard to imagine him going ape **** if someone tried to highjack his plane.  

1. Batman Bale - Not only was he smugly in the best shape of his life, there's no doubt Bale got into character going around Hollywood pretending to be a real vigilante killing drug dealers and such.  The Dark Knight is also an incredibly smug endorsement of mid-2000s Bush 43 War on Terror so you have to think he was prepared. 

[mission27]

Last one for the day, top-5 remaining free agents. 

 

5. Clay Buchholz - You'd generally expect someone to be smug about beating cancer, throwing a no hitter, and winning the World Series all in the same season.  He's also smugly won a Cy Young. 

4. Dallas Keuchel - Has a dumb name but a smug beard.  Smugly beats the Yankees in the playoffs frequently.  As far as Astros go, he was one of the smugger ones, since he wasn't an annoying midget.

3. Nick Markakis - Youd think a flea like Markakis would not be smug since he has very little to be smug about, but when you look at his career numbers and realize he is 5th among active players in hits, you realize he's got a quality consistent low key smugness that has carried him all this time. 

2. Craig Kimbrel - Smugly thinks he is worth $100m despite being a relief pitcher and almost blowing the Yankees series.  Also considering sitting out the season, which is fairly smug. 

1. Adam Jones - In addition to his generally smug demeanor and being smug about getting traded for Eric Bedard, who was a useless piece of ****, his smugness is also likely enhanced by having dumped @LuckyNumber11.

[devils1854]

Mark Wahlburg is a huge turd and would have crapped his pants if he was on the plane on 9/11

[BillsGuy82]

2 hours ago, devils1854 said:

Mark Wahlburg is a huge turd and would have crapped his pants if he was on the plane on 9/11

Didn't he start his career slanging crack on a street corner in Boston before becoming Marky Mark?

He went to jail for it I think

[mission27]

And just like that like a bolt of lightening from the smugness goods the MoL for the second time in as many years have descended on the big apple

Will the world be able to handle our smugness only time will tell

[ramssuperbowl99]

On 3/3/2019 at 10:29 PM, mission27 said:

Last one for the day, top-5 remaining free agents. 

 

5. Clay Buchholz - You'd generally expect someone to be smug about beating cancer, throwing a no hitter, and winning the World Series all in the same season.  He's also smugly won a Cy Young. 

4. Dallas Keuchel - Has a dumb name but a smug beard.  Smugly beats the Yankees in the playoffs frequently.  As far as Astros go, he was one of the smugger ones, since he wasn't an annoying midget.

3. Nick Markakis - Youd think a flea like Markakis would not be smug since he has very little to be smug about, but when you look at his career numbers and realize he is 5th among active players in hits, you realize he's got a quality consistent low key smugness that has carried him all this time. 

2. Craig Kimbrel - Smugly thinks he is worth $100m despite being a relief pitcher and almost blowing the Yankees series.  Also considering sitting out the season, which is fairly smug. 

1. Adam Jones - In addition to his generally smug demeanor and being smug about getting traded for Eric Bedard, who was a useless piece of ****, his smugness is also likely enhanced by having dumped @LuckyNumber11.

No Bartolo Colon? The man has smugly collected baseball checks for 25 years now despite being a fat ****.