Jump to content

The 2017 Baldies Presentation Thread - Tuesday Nov. 14 @ 9PM EST


Phire

Recommended Posts

The Eagles forum is currently the #1 most active team forum on FF. This would not be possible without all of you. Some of us have been here for over a decade, which is a scary thought. But where else is a better repository of our borderline psychotic obsession with the Philadelphia Eagles? Along the way we've had posters young and old, crazy and stable, funny and serious, outright trolls, people denouncing their fandom, people getting incarcerated, becoming a parent, and much more. This place has always been an engine of creativity and a cradle for the birth of funny memes and inside jokes. Yet we continue our long and arduous journey to watching this team finally win a Super Bowl. The Baldies are meant to honor select individuals from the forum for their contributions to the Eagles forum. Regardless whether you won an award or not, we are all winners we are all losers until the Eagles win it all.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

But first, we take a look at what's happening around campus...

Haulvember 14, 2017 - at the University of Haul At Unknown Location (aka U-Haul, aka the University of Haul).

Our protagonist, @Jroc04, arose from his slumber on a windy and gray Haulvember day. The senior at the University of HAUL rubbed his eyes as he yawned sheepishly, checking the clock to make sure he was on time for his first class. @Jroc04 smiled as he realized he was right on time. "You did it again. Right on time without even an alarm." It was exactly 15 minutes since his class started.

@Jroc04 rolled out of bed and made his way toward his closet. Just then, he heard a strange noise. A sort of shifting sound back and forth, quiet, but precise, coming from his jorts closet. He approached the closet and threw the door open. A shocked @Danger turned around violently, wide-eyed, as if he had seen a ghost. "What are you doing in my jorts closet?" @Jroc04  asked. "I... I was just.." "You were practicing the "Backpack Kid" dance in my jorts closet again, weren't you?" Just then, @Danger bolted out of the jorts closet and disappeared. "I always get the weird roommates." @Jroc04 muttered.

He threw on his best pair of jorts; only three holes and slight discoloration. It was the night of the Baldies and he had to make an impression. @Jroc04 made his way to his first class, a drama class taught by @EaglesPeteC. He spartan kicked the door to his class right at the 20 minutes late mark. "Nice of you to finally join us." @EaglesPeteC remarked. "Save the drama, Prof." @Jroc04 countered swiftly. Everyone laughed. "Oh em gee like he's sooo hawt," swooned @AZ_Eaglesfan. @Jroc04 gave a wink to his admirer and sat down at the only open seat left next to @Jlash, also known as "The Incredible Haulk" around school. And for good reason. The slightest mention of a "tuddy" and the dude goes berserk. This goes back to when he was just a young lad, watching his favorite show, the Teletuddies. His parents took him to Teletuddies studios and @Jlash overheard the red Teletuddie say a "bad word."

Professor @EaglesPeteC shook his head, and contemplated his existence for a moment. "I drive a mini van now." He thought to himself. "I have a wife and kids, the Eagles still have no Super Bowl." He then decided to take out his melancholy on a student."@TheRealMcCoy please report to the class how Carson Wentz has improved his accuracy on deep throws?" "I... I'm sorry Professor, I didn't study." Just then, @Jlash snapped into a rage of a thousand supernovas. He jumped up on his desk and exploded; leaving open a tear in the time space continuum. People were suddenly being pulled toward the wormhole.

Hearing the sound, the Dean of the University of Haul @Blahman88 entered into the room "What in the bloody el! OH QUEEN HAVE MERCY!" The Dean was thrown from his feet and went hurling at the wormhole. "FIIIISH AAAND CHIIIIIIIIIIPS!" And @Blahman88 was gone. Having to think fast, @Jroc04 yelled: "We can replace him with @Blaaaaaah while he's gone, nobody panic. I'm going in!" He jumped through the wormhole just as it vanished. @AZ_Eaglesfan fainted. @ninjapirate who had been sitting in the very back listening to his sick alternative music CDs looked up and just said "cool."

@Jroc04 realized traveling through a wormhole wasn't like the movies. It wasn't like traveling through a colorful tunnel and suddenly being dropped in some faraway land. No, it was much worse. It was more immediate. It was like that feeling you get when you slip on ice. One second, the world is one way, the next, it's horizontal. Next, @Jroc04 landed on a small boat. Bewildered and confused, he looked around. He saw @ianlewis16 smiling at him. "Ello mate! I'm Captain Ian." @Jroc04 couldn't believe his eyes. "What are you doing here?" "What I always do you posh colonial, I'm out here whaling." "Well, did you see @Blahman88, the Dean of the University of Haul come through here?" "Aye." "Where did he go?" "That bloke summoned his tortoise and rode off." 

@Jroc04 thought his options over. He knew what whaling expedition with Ian entailed. Ian goes places where no man should go--like North Carolina. "Ian, listen, I'd love to stick around, but I've got a Dean to save, and plus, I have the Baldies tonight." "It's alright. I understand. You need a ride?" "Sure, that'd be great. How fast does this boat go?" 

@ianlewis16 reared back and yelled "HAUUUUUUULLLLLLLLL!" The water around the boat swelled. Just then, a magnificent whale appeared, with red lipstick and fake eyelashes. "Eyy Whala, take me and my friend for a ride, will ye?" Whala got visibly upset. "You only call me when you want something, Ian!" "Not now Whala this bloke has a Dean to save!" 

@Jroc04 and @ianlewis16 traveled at the speed of Jason Witten with Whala pulling the little banana boat. Whala got jealous at the way @ianlewis16 was looking at @Jroc04 and made a sharp turn. This threw @Jroc04 off the boat, crashing into the waves below. He saw Whala and @ianlewis16 ride off into the sunset, even though it was only 11 AM. That was the last anyone saw of them.

@Jroc04 swam to the island and found a cave. It smelled like... old people inside. He saw a light coming from deep within and made his way there. He doesn't even know where he is at this point, and neither does this story. He saw an old man huddled around a campfire hugging his landline phone. "Excuse me?" @Jroc04 asked. "Over-confident you must not be." The old man said. The old man looked up at @Jroc04 and revealed that it was the fabled @Nabbs4u. "Old man Nabbs, I need your help! Grant me your strength and wisdom." "Yes, young @Jroc04, but first I must warn the others not to be over-confident for the next Eagles game." @Nabbs4u muttered something into his landline. "What you seek, you can only find in ValHaulla." @Jroc04 scratched his head. @Nabbs4u motioned with his hand near the smoke emanating from the campfire. Just as @Jroc04 inhaled the smoke, he saw a corpse wriggling behind Old Man Nabbs. "The resurrection, it's complete!" @Nabbs4u said. @808 had arisen once again, like Nelson Agholor, a Phoenix from the ashes.

@Jroc04 woke up in a dungeon. The air was hot and the stone floor smoldered. "Where am I?" @Jroc04 asked aloud, as if someone would answer back. Just then, someone answered back, "This is Dallas." A mangled and dreadful looking hobbit came crawling out of a dark corner. It was @Matts4313. Or is it Washington? A similarly miserable looking Oompa Loompa cackled. It was @MKnight82. "RINNGGZZZZZZ TWO RINGZZZZZZ" a third maniac said as he slithered around the floor like a snake. 

"What in the hell?" @Jroc04 frantically searched for answers. "That's right." One of the three said. "Only those who pass the iTest may make it to the golden city of ValHaulla." "OK give me the test!" @Jroc04 demanded. "The test is... Carson Wentz, or the Haul?" @Jroc04 thought for a second. "Is this a trick question? It's Wentz!" His cell-mates started shrieking, then it all stopped.

@Jroc04 now was blinded by light. He looked around as his eyes adjusted. What he saw was sheer beauty. Statutes of Fred-Ex lined the halls. "You passed the iTest, young @Jroc04." Haulden, the all father said. "Nobody passes the iTest." @Jroc04 thought about saying how easy it was, but didn't want to tempt the gods. "I shall grant you one wish." the mighty Haulden said.

@Jroc04 thought to himself. He could be selfish. He could become a god, an immortal. He could grant himself all the riches in the universe. He could even with the Eagles to win a Super Bowl. But then he thought back to the good times he had with his friends at the University of Haul. He remembered the time he stole a U-Haul and drove it around campus with @RollEagles. He remembered the time he forced a spider to drop out of school with @RandyMossIsBoss. He remembered all the good times with his roommate, @Danger. Nah, scratch that last one.

"I wish... to..."

Our protagonist, @Jroc04, arose from his slumber on a windy and gray Haulvember day. The senior at the University of HAUL rubbed his eyes as he yawned sheepishly, checking the clock to make sure he was on time for his first class. @Jroc04 smiled as he realized he was right on time. "You did it again. Right on time without even an alarm." It was exactly 15 minutes since his class started.

He heard a noise coming from his jorts closet. He opened it to find @Danger practicing his "Backpack Kid" dance. @Danger shrieked, wide-eyed. But something told @Jroc04 he had to do things right. "You don't have to practice your dance in there anymore. It doesn't bother me. At class, @Jroc04 apologized to Professor @EaglesPeteC for being late, still winked at @AZ_Eaglesfan, and when he sat down next to a nervous @Jlash, whispered sweet nothings into his ear to get him to calm down and not go berserk.

This is a glorious day, @Jroc04 thought. For it was the day the Baldies returned.

THE END

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well done @Phire!

giphy.gif

Just now, Phire said:

Just as @Jroc04 inhaled the smoke, he saw a corpse wriggling behind Old Man Nabbs. "The resurrection, it's complete!" @Nabbs4u said. @808 had arisen once again, like Nelson Agholor, a Phoenix from the ashes.

giphy.gif

 

I see @Blahman88 has hit the red carpet early.

vblAO5.gif

 

 

Have fun guys! Congrats to all the winners. 

tenor.gif?itemid=8264539

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.




×
×
  • Create New...