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Ty’s Declassified Movie Observations


Ty21

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6 minutes ago, beekay414 said:

Armageddon lmao

Oh no. Typical 1990’s disaster movie where Americans autofellate themselves and act like the only people on earth that can solve a problem. Fun suggestions so far lol. 

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Bad Words

•it was between this and The Shape Of Water. Two movies I know I’ve needed to watch for a long time but haven’t been able to pull the trigger on for whatever reason. Maybe it’s because the shape of water is just a Hellboy script that got repurposed lol 

•I didn’t read what this movie is about nor the rotten tomatoes, but Jason Bateman’s dry sarcasm is similar to how I talk too and I generally like his stuff. 

•opens with him telling another adult he’s going to win the spelling bee that’s set up for kids. So I’m guessing the premise is he makes a business of sorts out of beating kids at spelling bees but the adorable little Indian kid in the movie thumbnail with him is his greatest competition and doesn’t put up with his bs. This concept is actually very relevant to me since I won my own 3rd grade spelling bee and would probably be very open to crushing little kids and their stupid little inarticulate baby brains

•I imagine there will be an uproar for beating kids at spelling bees, but it won’t compare to the uproar if it was an all one gender spelling bee and a transgender person tried to enter it 

•ah he’s in it in pursuit of a lawsuit when he gets denied. This is brilliant lol

•is the entire movie in like a sepia tone? Why?

•he’s going to end up warming up to the Indian kid and will willingly lose to him in the end even though it will cost him 

•this is Jason bateman’s most insufferable character I’ve ever seen. Also must’ve missed the part where Kathryn Hahn’s journalist character explains why she’s shadowing Bateman’s character as both are going nowhere 

•why is Indian Macaulay Culkin traveling by himself 

•oh his dad said he needs to be a man sometimes by staying alone in the hotel and he is at a different hotel, so he’s having an affair. 

•this movie is shaping up to being pretty mediocre but I’m in for the long haul 

•Shock value jokes at the expense of kids probably made this a decent trailer but it kinda just falls flat in the movie 

•funniest part of this is him just walking up, hearing the word once and then rattling off the spelling lol. I like the concept of a 40 year old not struggling at this at all as if difficult words get easier to spell as you get older 

•kid got roasted for trying to use poop jokes as an insult but it worked for me cause my kids also try and fail to use poop jokes as insults. Maybe some day they’ll get it. Recently someone asked if I had started putting money away for my son’s college fund and without missing a beat I said “that kid’s not going to college”. Maybe if he could hit me with a non-poop insult joke I would change my stance. 

•I will say him correctly spelling “floccinaucinihilipilification” right ranks up there with Matt Damon remembering all his made up brothers’ names in Good Will Hunting. An acting triumph. 

•the kid was friendly with Bateman as a scheme to beat him. This just shatters my whole universe. 

•and now it’s been revealed that the spelling bee runner is bateman’s dad and bateman’s goal was to make a fool of him. The hits just keep coming. 

•predictable part where he deliberately loses cause he softens to the kid, but didn’t expect the kid to too and then assault bateman’s dad. Their deliberate back and forth intentionally misspelling was silly. I feel like if everything happened for real, it would drum up a satisfying amount of attention for the event when I doubt anyone actually gives a flying **** about it, like Will Smith slapping Chris Rock at the Oscar’s. 

•then bateman exhibits emotional maturity in his confrontation with his dad, defying his entire character’s values the whole movie even though there really wasn’t anything that happened that would warrant a shift in his arc. 

•5.5/10. Not great. I’m under the impression this was the first thing Bateman wrote and directed, which is interesting that he doesn’t understand why his own schtick works. It works best when he’s the sarcastic know it all that’s also an idiot, making him funnier and more accessible. In this, he was just an irredeemable, petulant a**hole to everyone and the humor was all based on hoping the audience would find shock value funny and unpredictable. 

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40 minutes ago, seminoles1 said:

Top Gun

I love Val Kilmer, pretty meh on Cruise, enjoy mocking 80’s movies even if I enjoy them so it should be an alright time. I did see the more recent one and didn’t hate it even if the mission itself was kinda lame lol

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On 3/19/2023 at 8:06 PM, Ty21 said:

I’m gonna keep doing my thing with this thread, but if anyone following along has any movie suggestions for me to do a play by play to, I’m all ears. The worst thing I can say is to never speak to me again. 

Star Wars, all of 'em

 

Revenge Of The Sith Evil Laugh GIF by Star Wars

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On 3/19/2023 at 8:06 PM, Ty21 said:

I’m gonna keep doing my thing with this thread, but if anyone following along has any movie suggestions for me to do a play by play to, I’m all ears. The worst thing I can say is to never speak to me again. 

Shrek Is Love--Shrek Is Life.

2 Girls 1 Cup.

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Long Shot

I watched it because Seth Rogen named it as one of his favorite movies he’s done and that it was dead on arrival due to dropping at the same time as avengers. I didn’t do a play by play because it’ll make me overly critical of the movie (seeking out a movie’s weaknesses to make jokes) and that’s not something I really wanna do with comedies. It was average though, at some points above average but I imagine in a week I’ll be struggling to remember what even happened in it. Rogen and Theron had good chemistry. I just kinda felt whelmed overall. 

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The Fugitive

•Never seen this movie but it’s one of Harrison Ford’s peak action movies. 

•Doctor killed his wife but she wasn’t even annoying so idk if he did it. 

•wife was kinda a deadbeat if he didn’t kill her, she made it seem on the 911 call that he probably did it. I wouldn’t mourn her if she did that to me tbh. 

•he’s being transported to prison and I guess all the guards decided to stay in their gated in part and have no one back to physically monitor the prisoners. 

•one of the prisoners starts foaming out of the mouth and choking to death. Must have ADHD. 

•Oh, it was an escape scheme. It worked great because he instantly got shotgunned in the chest to death. Good work.

•guards are incompetent as hell, the bus ends up rolling down a hill sideways. Several of the people in it are totally fine, even though the actual violence of a bus rolling down a hill would’ve been immense. And no one was wearing a seatbelt and no airbags or anything. Everyone was a-okay, besides the dude that got shotgunned in the chest to death. 

•he risked his life to save the injured guard, but then the injured guard gets the absolute **** killed out of him by the train crashing into the bus 

•Not sure if they’re even looking for him immediately but running away with a bright yellow jumpsuit still on seems like a pretty low IQ move

•Tommy Lee Jones (TLJ) is on his ***. This must’ve been before he became the Texas sheriff and had to stop Anton Chigurh and the Mexican cartel coming for their money. 

•I don’t remember if the argument between Jennifer Garner and Conan O’Brien resulted in “sneaked” or “snuck” being the proper term, so I’ll just use: Ford snooked into his own hospital to patch himself up. Dude clearly didn’t kill his wife if he’s stupid enough to go to the place he’d be most expected to go. 

•the nurse’s scrubs have a cool af 90’s design. I miss that aesthetic 

•cop tells Harrison ford the description of the missing person, who looks exactly like ford but without a beard. Couldn’t be him of course, cause ford would need to have a beard!

•racing around now in a stolen ambulance lmao. Incognito God. 

•is this the movie where the dude points a gun at the dude in a sewer and the dude leaps over the cliff into water?

•they find the ambulance in a tunnel, abandoned. They can’t process it. The ambulance is there, he should be in it! How can the ambulance be here but he not be here? They eventually catch on that the ambulance has been abandoned and ford moved on. 

•yep that’s the scene I saw. Ford has TLJ dead to rights with a gun and said he didn’t do anything and bails. TLJ still wants to kill him. Where was this aggression when he was too scared to fight Anton Chigurh. 

•the trajectory of the dummy used to simulate ford “jumping” into the dam totally hit the side of the dam. He’s fully dead now lol. Even if he didn’t clearly smack into the wall, he probably isn’t surviving that fall as a 55 year old doctor. 

•he managed to swim several hundred feet downstream underwater after that enormous plunge. Totally undetected. Dude was wasting his time as a doctor. Would’ve made an excellent fish. 

•I missed the other prisoner that escaped with him getting caught (or not?). He was an aggressor, so why is Ford the point of emphasis otherwise

•that scene of him cradling his dead wife was totally stolen by Severus Snape with Lily.  Poser.

•TLJ now going deep undercover as a homeless man. Likely spent several months melding into the role, unprotected sex with vagabonds, shared needles, he just busted into this random house! Oh **** it’s the other prisoner I just mentioned! I..TLJ murdered him!!! The OP was a success!

•he keeps his dumb hobo hat on after. I think this isn’t the last we see of homeless undercover TLJ. He went full hobo. You don’t ever go full hobo. 

•Ford got an ethnic hair dye kit. Now he has dark hair and no beard. Whole new man. Doesn’t even need to hide anymore. 

•ford among the homeless under a bridge. If TLJ was still undercover as a hobo he would’ve caught him. He randomly encounters a friend in a car under the bridge which seems entirely unlikely. 

•they have actual pictures of Ford but then had a profiler do a really ****ty police sketch of him? 

•he just struts right in to another hospital. What an actual psycho. 

•”Richard is innocent. You’ll never find him. He’s too smart”. He’s been tracked every step of the way and pretty much found several times lol. 

•damn is that a young Jane Lynch?

•he duct taped his picture on an employee’s badge and got in. Frank Abagnale would be proud 

•now all he has to do is leave but he sees a child patient in need of help and no doctors to help. Of course he’s gonna be a hero. 

•Julianne moore is a nurse and asked ford to transport that patient since he’s disguised as a janitor. Then he checks the patient’s chart since he’s a doctor, Moore probably thinks he’s a Good Will Hunting janitor genius wannabe. 

•I think Ive referenced Good Will hunting in every movie review so far. 

•he forged the kids papers and sent him to surgery instead of wherever he was supposed to go. 

•”you saved that little boys life! …Call security!”

•they randomly went into the prosthetics clinic. Are they finally checking out Ford’s lead or are they using it to still try to find Ford lol

•was this movie filmed before or after the Dave Matthews band dumped poop on people on the river. The Bears and Bulls never won another championship after that incident. The Dave Matthew Band Poop Dump on River People Incident

•”he’s too smart. You’ll never catch him” is sticking with me. He literally hasn’t done a single thing this movie the police aren’t aware of. Now TLJ is a staircase away from him lol 

•TLJ is going for ****ing headshots wtf. What kind of criminal do you think Ford is??? Ford barely gets through the door as it closes off and locks. Didn’t even reach back for his trademark hat. 

•god I miss Chicago during st Patrick’s day. 

•I’m a sucker for Chicago based stories. It’s part of why Early Edition was one of my favorite shows. 

•he calls TLJ’s office, they change the volume on the sound mixer to deduce his location to be in the south side. Ought to be careful, that’s where all the gun murders happen. 

•”why would you call us, break into the person’s house, and then split?” Uh probably cause he wants them to get on the real suspect’s trail but knows the last time they saw him, they tried to shoot him in the head several times 

•hey it’s Jane lynch again. He needed her to look at her science microscope 

•so the police have managed to follow genius ford every step of the way without knowing where he will be. They openly say they’re going to surveil the amputee suspect after saying he’s clearly “dirty” but he instantly eludes them and watches over their investigation from a shadow 

•Amputee suspect randomly accidentally encounters Ford in an alley. The suggestion that Ford won’t be easy to find is an absolute joke. A city of millions of people and he’s the only person there. 

•I love that ford could’ve done so many things to disguise himself, with hats, scarves or anything and decides to do nothing. Even lets his hair fall back to its original color. Should’ve grown out his beard too. 

•amputee kills a cop on the train. That cop? The janitor in Scrubs. They even referenced this role in Scrubs lol. 

•the fight between ford and amputee suspect was fantastic. All you have to do is disable the only arm he has and you’re good. 

•he handcuffed amputee suspect to a rail on the train. All he has to do is wait for the police to find him, as the guy just shot a cop. But he doesn’t. Now the police think he did it because he left the scene lol. 

•Ford finds the real culprit, Big Pharma D*uche at a seminar. I’d venture to guess Big Pharma D*uche doesn’t stand a single chance since his entire empire rode on taking out the doctor criticizing his drug that kills people, and he decided to send an amputee to do it and the amputee did the most miserable job of it. 

•Ford calls him out, now they’re fighting. It’s evil pharma guy boss fight time. Let’s see if he’s better at fighting or killing people with evil drugs. 

•he’s better at killing people with evil drugs 

•they both fall pretty far into an elevator shaft and are unconscious but it’s the good kind of concussion that just makes you sleep for a minute and has no lasting effects. 

•TLJ yells a bunch, his partner gets hurt by Martin Shkreli Sr, then ford takes out Shkreli before he can shoot TLJ. TLJ wasn’t lying when he said he thought Ford was innocent, which is a relief. They leave arm in arm, Ford’s head resting softly on TLJ’s shoulder. 

•Ford goes out in cuffs, goes in TLJ’s cop car and TLJ took his cuffs off, suggesting he’s totally off the hook now. Yes, let’s just forget his actual crimes: grand theft auto, breaking and entering, espionage, destruction of property, evading arrest, endangering an officer, etc. 

•Ford smirks as the credits roll, meaning all it takes to get over your wife’s murder is to be exonerated as a suspect for it 

•this movie was about Ford evading capture and proving his innocence, but honestly it’s the most competent I’ve ever seen police portrayed in a movie. Genuinely every step of the way, they were right there. He didn’t do a single thing they didn’t catch on to almost immediately. The bad guys even did a pretty decent job of making him out to be the culprit, with a little help from the dying wife that could’ve said anything else on the 9-1-1 call to hint at the killer being a one armed man with black curly hair and not her husband lol. Even the pursuit of her fortune in the event of her death made him seem like he could be guilty. I’ll give it an 8.7/10. 

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Nocturnal Animals 

•looking forward to this. For a time there in the 2010’s, Jake Gyllenhaal was a god. I watched bits and pieces of this when it came out but I really don’t remember much at all. 

•the fat naked woman dancing for 4 minutes in the beginning really pulls you in.  And of course someone walked in the room during it so I look like I’m watching niche porn 

•amy Adams used to annoy me so I’d avoid movies she was in. Idc now 

•obnoxious sculpture artists probably have all the fun 

•she dismissed her security for the weekend and immediately gets a paper cut. Think I know why she has to have security 

•hey it’s Armie Hammer. I always mix him up with his twin brother. I wonder if this is considered a murder mystery of sorts because he killed people and ate them

•so Jake Gyllenhaal is her ex husband but also the character in the book he wrote that she’s reading. So these characters are how she is envisioning his characters. 

•ooh isla fisher. I’ve had a crush on her since Hot Rod lol. She might be why I’m incredibly into redheads or it might be the random one I picked up at a bar in the Covid year that I was supposed to golf with but forgot her name 

•I think story within a story is a good crutch for the story. There’s less criticism when a story character is telling the story over the story being what the movie actually is. 

•Aaron Taylor Johnson as Texas hillbilly trying to fun them off the road. He’s been an excellent actor in a lot of things of late. But in the event of getting run off the road by hillbillies in the middle of nowhere in Texas, I’m absolutely not stopping my car for any reason other than my car has ceased to work 

•I think the mark of a good story to me is if I feel envious that I didn’t write it myself at the end. We’ll see if we get there. 

•I read a Reddit thread the other day about sketchy spots in America like this that people barely survived. Like one, the guy was driving back roads thinking he knew the way to his destination but then got lost on back roads in the 90’s. Was super late at night and he ended up on a dirt road and stopped because there was something blocking the path. He turned on his brights and saw a hillbilly army crawling slowly towards his car in the grass and several other hillbillies watching him silently when he turned the brights on. He floored it in reverse to escape. I wish I remember where it was so I could link it, it was a really chilling read. Edit: I couldn’t find the exact link but these stories are similar enough: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/mudppd/serious_when_driving_at_night_what_is_the/

•JG’s wife and kid get to the car and JG is restrained so the hillbillies get in the car to kidnap them. Don’t love it. 

•back to reality, Amy adams calls husband armie hammer to check in on him and the bastard elevator employee announces his lady companion’s existence so now AA knows she’s getting cucked. Unprofessional. 

•thought the hillbilly that escorts JG to his family was Shirtsie from Sasquatch Gang but google tells me I’m wrong 

•Shirtsie left JG out in the wilderness after driving by what was definitely his car and a shack the wife and kid were in. Should’ve killed him though. No loose ends. 

•JG finds the main road and ends up at a police station. They do nothing so he gets a motel. Sounds alright to me. No wife means a night of judgement free pay-per-view 

•Michael Shannon takes the case. Instantly shames JG for every decision he’s made 

•The wife and daughter are naked and dead laying on a couch. I think having a reader reacting and almost narrating the story as it goes is making the twists and turns a bit more compelling 

•the two dead characters were supposed to represent AA and her real daughter (who is a smoke btw), left to be decided if it’s in a sinister or mournful way. 

•she meets up with her ex husband that wrote the book she’s reading. Mournful. I think the death of the characters symbolizes the death of what he would’ve had with AA if their marriage had worked. 

•he’s being brutally honest with JG about his family’s rapes and murders. I wonder if it’s setting up for vigilante justice. 

•Shirtsie got caught in a robbery and JG came back and ID’ed him for the murder a year before. I’m wondering how the story stays interesting and where the real world story is heading. 

•amy Adams accidentally dropped a pretentious art snob’s phone and shattered it. First redeeming thing she’s done this movie. 

•forgot to write for a while. They tracked down Aaron Taylor Johnson sitting on his porch toilet, which sounds positively serene. Nothing like listening to the birds chirping and the morning breeze as you take care of business. He’s arrested. There wasn’t enough to hold him though, so he gets away but the detective finds out he has cancer so he picks up ATJ and Shirtsie and brings them to his cabin to murder the twosome with JG but JG has a weak stomach so he can’t pull the trigger and Shannon has a weak cancer stomach so the captives escape. But you can’t pull a trick on the detective, a trick is something a whore does for money. He guns down Shirtsie in a moment that would’ve been sadder for me had it actually been Shirtsie. 

•honestly every time they pull away from this story I’m kinda annoyed cause the non book story isn’t enough and id rather finish the book story without the AA stuff. 

•JG tracks ATJ back to the rape shack because a mixture of “of course” and symbolism for the story, but this is all parts of a book within the movie, so it’s fine. He finally fesses up to the rape and murder to antagonize JG. Said “when someone insults me, it gives me the right. When a women accuses me of sleeping with another woman, I sleep with that other woman. When your daughter called me a rapist, I had to rape her”. If JG was a quick thinker, he would’ve said “I heard you like to eat broken glass” 

•ATL has an iron fire poker hidden under his pillow that he grabs on the sly. JG orders him to stand up, so ATL smirks and does so, probably amazed that the dude with the gun pointed at him just gave him the only opportunity to survive rather than just killing him easily as he sat on the bed. 

•ooh, JG shoots before ATL attacked him. Thought he’d shoot him but retaliatory. ATL still knocked his *** out before dying from the gun wound. JG wakes up, stumbles outside, more concussed than Tua or the kid at the basketball court Matt Damon beats up in Good Will Hunting and fires a shot into the air to get help. Firing the shot directing up in the air is a sketchy move though, there’s a 99% chance it comes down and hit him unless he steps to the side. 

•he fell and plaxico burressed himself to death. 

•haaa AA got ghosted by her ex husband to end the movie. He put in that much effort just to ghost her. I must not have paid attention to AA’s story as deeply as I should have because I didn’t care about any of it and I wouldn’t have cared if he showed up or not. But in his book about revenge, he showed he understood it pretty well, and ghosting the woman who spurned him and was now spiraling in her life was a Big D Move. 8.2/10

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The Italian Job

•I have a feeling I’m gonna have fun with this 

•although I imagine most of the people reading this were probably in college when this movie came out and will hate me for making fun of it 

•That’s an eclectic cast

•thing I’m hoping for the most in this movie: late 90’s/early 00’s tech or pretend hollywood tech being exhibited as groundbreaking and cool but is so dated that 20 years later it sends the movie into the Stone Age. This includes a dorky concept of computer hacking. 

•Donald Sutherland’s daughter is Charlize Theron. Idk how you sleep at night with a daughter that hot getting into who knows what. That’s why I’m lucky that both of my kids ended up looking like the McPoyle family in It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia 

•early mark wahlberg. He’s progressively gotten a little better at acting since then. I feel like the less emotions you ask him to show in a movie, the better off you are. 

•ahh, Jason Statham. Dude had the best life like 15 years ago. 

•the Italian guards aren’t paying attention because a soccer match is on. Can confirm, Europeans are still this boring. 

•now they’re painting over the Sistine chapel with a nice cement colored paint. Because. 

•because the paint was incendiary paint, making the guards’ safe drop through a couple floors into their boat. Okay that was cool. 

•having to speedboat through tight alleys in Venice sounds like so much fun. 

•ah, the safe went in the water by design, so the escape boat is a diversion. Will they be arrested for sailing too fast?

•btw if you try to rewind on the Apple TV app, it panics. Note to self: don’t rewind again. 

•so the speedboat didn’t get caught, so the underwater operation to open the safe was a little pointless, no? 

•surely Seth green isn’t getting an even cut just for being in the boat with Statham when Statham pioneered the best Venice boat escape of 2003?

•Ed Norton is a traitor. Oh me, oh my. At least that means Seth green doesn’t get his equal cut. Ed Norton killed Donald Sutherland! What a Benedict Arnold!

•they survive being submerged because they’re underwater so long and Ed Norton is appeased and bails. They survived because they had oxygen tanks to share, something Ed Norton overlooked even though that doesn’t seem very like his character thus far lol. 

•Charlize Theron now has double daddy issues: her dad spent half her life in prison and now he doubled down by dying. I’d have her on speed dial. Wait, was speed dial a thing back then? I’d memorize the pattern to her phone number and rotate the rotary dial at light speed. 

•”listen we can’t do this mission unless we can juggle 12 eggs blindfolded.” “I’m a 12 egg juggler while blindfolded master but I’m not going to do this mission for you” *replace the egg juggler for safe cracking expert and you know where we’re at now in the story 

•Jason Statham: “listen, I don’t know how to play basketball” Director: “just fake it” Jason Statham playing basketball: 

•Seth Green wobbles up on a crotch rocket. Still don’t know what he adds to the gang. He adds comic relief to the movie, but what does he add to the gang?

•whenever Wahlberg is being expressive, all I can think of is Andy Samberg on SNL. “Say hello to your mother for me, alright?”

•I’m an idiot, it already showed what Seth green does. He’s the computer guy. We’re gonna get the goofy 00’s hacking aren’t we?

•gang gets their in by sabotaging Norton’s cable box, which luckily for the gang is like a mile away from his house. Norton falls for Theron being the cable technician as if smokes go to cable companies and become techs. I personally would’ve been suspicious. Entranced to the point of falling for anything, but suspicious. 

•Norton is ****ed now, she got a clip of the safe with her 2 pixel pin camera. They’re gonna have to click “enhance” so many times to make out that picture. 

•I wish I had discovered Napster 

•finally some 2000s tech: he uses his computer to find a blueprint-ish look of a room and he measures the dimensions of the doorway with it. That isn’t too bad though. Even though the tech for measuring things in a photograph or live feed wasn’t there yet. 

•check that, he uses the program again to map out Theron driving a Mini Cooper and the obstacles are shown on his computer as dorky geometric designs and random pointless algorithms. I won’t call it a sin yet but we’re getting close. 

•still don’t know why Norton screwed over his team. Assuming his cut was the same as everyone else, he would’ve made like 1/6 what he made from stealing, but it would mean he’d either have to kill all his friends or would constantly be looking over his shoulder. 

•Charlize Theron keeps ruining the mood by bringing up the dude that killed her dad

•the gold fence Norton was selling to snitched on himself and got killed. Guy walks up after and finds his body and you could tell by his face that he was really sad

•somehow Norton didn’t know her the whole movie despite being in the gang but knew her after she used her dad’s favorite line. He instantly flips a switch and stops trying to bang her. Then Wahlberg walks in. 

•”there was a lot of gold and I wanted it”. That’s some serious character depth for Norton.  

•Norton just roasted their entire heist scheme so Wahlberg punched him in the face in public. Gotta look out for those Wahlberg right hooks, one blinded an Asian man once. 

•”We’ll do it like The Italian Job.” Hey, that’s the title of the movie!

•dumb hacking part: he hacks the street lights, dudes in the traffic control center watch as the screen goes black and immediately exclaim “we crashed!” and “I can’t log in!” At this point, it could be any cause until he throws “I’m the real Napster” or whatever on their screen lol. Traffic control guys probably think Seth green is a total ****ing loser, to boast about almost coming up with Napster even though it’s more irrelevant than yahoo. 

•now he hacked a train to stop. Can he hack a car next

•wait, if the Italian job yielded $36M in gold and Norton had $36M in gold, then the team that helped him overtake the Italian job gang got paid…nothing…

•the safe cracking expert is going to have to crack a safe the way her dad did with only minutes until they’re caught. What will happen?!?

•Theron freaks out while hacking the safe and getting two numbers figured out. Wahlberg with the most impressive motivational speech. “You can do this.” He caresses her hand. So then she does it, within 10 seconds. Wow. Thanks for the help marky mark. 

•they drive their Mini Cooper through the underground tunnel to escape and have to unlock a fence blocking the path, but decide not to relock or even close it after. Good call. 

•the dudes on bikes fail to overtake people in vehicles and end up statistics for annual motorcycle fatalities.

•norton pins Wahlberg with his helicopter as if his helicopter is a flying tank until Wahlberg backs up and hits a ramp and instantly totals the helicopter. Movie over? No, Norton instantly has a backup car there to continue the chase and decided not to pull him into the chase before because reasons. 

•Norton tracks them back to a shipping container with the cars in them. He tries to bribe the new mechanic guy in the gang’s crew so the mechanic opens the door to reveal…mark Wahlberg! What!

•he pulls a gun on marky mark and should’ve just shot him instantly to make his whole big scheme to work over Norton just look really stupid. But he doesn’t and the family of the gold fence from earlier point guns at Norton. Sad face tells Norton they already made more money than Norton could give them so they take him off to kill him. The gang ends up only taking a small amount of the gold which isn’t that big of a deal since they can just do another perfect heist later on. 

•I like that Norton knew he was going to be taken off to get murdered and even though he had a gun and could’ve gone down less painfully and increased his survival odds, he just struts off with them to die. 

•okay, it honestly wasn’t as bad as I was expecting, and I was mostly expecting it to be bad due to corny/dorky early 00’s movie cliches and tropes. That’s not to say the characters weren’t cliche. But it was fine, the tech wasn’t over the top. I think 7.5/10 is fair. Just a not bad, not great heist action movie. I’ve seen worse. 

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Our Idiot Brother

I unfortunately didn’t do a play by play because I thought of it beforehand as a comedy but it’s more like a lighthearted dramedy. 
Paul Rudd’s Ned might be the most lovable character of all time. The movie is great to me. The sisters are all ***holes but still likable. I miss Zooey Deschanel being in all these types of movies, and her making out with rashida Jones is a reason to watch by itself. Elizabeth banks is the most insufferable and kinda hard to root for. The other sister is the most pitiable. Then Kathryn Hahn and TJ Miller are hilarious as always as cliche stoners but they both are so similar to people I actually know that it makes it funnier. Ned is the glue to their whole family even though he’s painted as an idiot and scapegoat throughout. I still really love this movie. It got a 70% on rotten tomatoes and pretty low ratings overall but I give it an 8.0/10. Endlessly rewatchable. 

Edited by Ty21
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Venom 

•spacecraft carrying venom and all the symbiotes crashes. One astronaut is referred to as “JJ” and “Jameson”, so he’s J Jonah Jameson’s son and must play a part moving forward but he doesn’t because he’s instantly killed by venom. 

•Tom Hardy plays a classic loser with a shoddy American accent as all San Franciscans are known to have. His mom wakes him up and…kisses his mouth..? Then mentions their wedding..? I have a feeling this woman is not this loser’s mom, rather his girlfriend!

•actually it isn’t his accent that’s off. He just talks weird. Also, this is one of those wonderful movies that makes you strain to hear the talking parts so you turn it up and then the music and sound effects devastate your tv’s speakers. There’s no way to win. 

•is that Bubbles from The Wire as his boss? Love that show. 

•Tom Hardy’s kissing his mom again. Girlfriend! Keep forgetting. It’s not my fault he looks 31 and she looks 46. 

•he uncovered a confidential document with the name of 3 deceased people. The first two meant nothing to me, but the third: Robert McDonald?? Everyone’s favorite clown?? How does the fast food chain move on without him. This is devastating for children everywhere. 

•he challenged Riz Ahmed for shiesty  business tactics so Ahmed tells him he’s done and to have a good life. Bubbles takes him in his office and scolds him for a half cocked interview, then tells him he’s done and to have a good life. Now his gf is yelling at him on the street and I swear to god if she says to have a good life too I’m out. 

•like, the first two using each other’s lines is either hinting the media corporation Hardy works at is either owned or controlled by Ahmed, or the writer for this movie didn’t know how to say goodbye to someone in a way other than “have a good life”. We’ll see if the trend continues 

•mom/gf broke up with him for getting her fired for his actions, but she didn’t use the line. That’s a win. 

•he goes to a shop where the cashier apparently knows him pretty well. He watches from a few rows away as it gets robbed and does nothing. Which was actually kinda smart, not escalating the situation to try to be hero. 

•he circled a job posting for dishwasher. He actually does have dishwasher energy. 

•his neighbor blasts electric guitar so Hardy walks in the hallway and reacts in the weirdest, most cartoonish way possible. What even was the point of that scene. He looks like he was having a stroke and pooping his pants at the same time 

•so Venom was just rolling around harmlessly inhabiting whomever it wanted, but the riot symbiote tries one dude and instantly kills him. 

•dude dies, against his will, so Ahmed orders another volunteer to be brought in for the symbiote. His team just watches in horror. They must have ironclad NDA’s that instantly kill them if they try to betray Ahmed. 

•the actual next scene is one of the employees betraying him so I am an idiot. 

•Hardy meets his new step dad who says he’s a big fan of Hardy’s work. His work in Band of Brothers was legendary. 

•they’re gonna make the mom gf try to get back with Hardy when he gets his stuff together but he’s gonna say no in favor of Jenny Slate, the NDA scientist

•Hardy gets snooked into the Ahmed science building because it apparently has 0 cameras and 0 security. He got all the way to the symbiote room unencumbered and it wasn’t even guarded despite it being maybe the most valuable discovery on earth. And the whole serial murdering of the homeless. 

•then he shatters the glass containing it pretty easily, something Venom couldn’t do itself for some reason. How am I supposed to believe Venom is a bad mf when it needed Hardy to break the door down lol. 

•speaking of Venom, I totally mixed up the symbiotes. The one on the street killing people is Riot, the one trapped inside killing hobos is Venom  

•and then to make matters worse, Venom inhabiting Hardy’s body easily kicks a door off its hinges and leaps through an iron fence. How tf did it not escape that room. 

•him immediately going in his house and eating everything expired or not seems pretty par for the course. It was my life when I was on prednisone

•wait. Riot is out, Venom is out, another captive is still locked up with a symbiote. So maybe Venom didn’t kill hobos itself. 

•Hardy busted into a restaurant and ruined tf out his mom and step dad’s date then sits in a lobster tank and eats a live lobster. Why didn’t people like this movie?

•another cartoonish scene from the electric guitar neighbor playing but him scaring the neighbor made me laugh so I won’t dock it 

•riz Ahmed’s name is too long so I’m just referring to him as Elon now. Elon and NDA scientist make up or pretend to and Elon exposes her to a symbiote. Maybe she isn’t the love interest

•idk if I love how they implemented venom by using corny extendo inspector gadget venom powers but the first combat part was cool enough. The neighbor opening the door and freaking out made me laugh again. 

•I really must have brain damage cause I’m not hating these action scenes. Why hate on these and then obsess with other averagely written action movies like John Wick. All John Wick is is Keanu and excellent fight/shooting choreography. The story and acting in it isn’t all that strong. 

•I missed the part that explained why the mom gf was on the floor of Hardy’s former job when it was covered with SWAT guys waiting for venom to arrive? Like, she got fired. Why tf was she there and why was she the only person there? The lights were off when venom went on the floor. So she was chilling in the hallway with no idea there was 1,000 swat guys in wait in the lobby? And she wasn’t even aware of them until the end of the incredibly loud fight when venom bites a dudes head off? Makes about as much sense as Will Hunting choosing a girl over a 7 figure job. 

•shouldn’t a symbiote called Venom have venomous saliva? Or the barbs on the tongue that lions have that can pare the flesh off a hand until there’s nothing but bone left

•yep NDA girl is dead so I don’t think she’ll be the love interest 

•even the part where he climbs a building was cool

•so his phone survived that whole drone bomb thing? His leg was snapped in half but his phone didn’t even have a crack? Must have a screen protector. 

•riot and Elon joined forces surprisingly. Venom uses mom gf to find Hardy again and join forces. But he gets infected again with venom by kissing her, which is a more fun infection probably than mono. Just ask Sam Darnold. 

•Hardy asked venom why he decided to become a good guy and venom said “you.” Awwwwwwwwwwwww

•the best part about the movie: Hardy interrupted Elon’s dramatic speech and kicked him off a cliff. Didn’t work since Elon reattached to riot, but still. I hate movies where a character has the perceived drop on another and does nothing about it because a big dramatic speech needs to happen. 

•ope, kills Elon by going full 1986 challenger mission and uses the dumb “have a good life” line lol 

•venom died nooooo I’m sure he’s dead forever 

•venom is still alive. Camera trick. Movie magicke 

•mom gf’s final scene infers she has feelings for Hardy but told him to not mess things up for her with new doctor step dad guy. Which is a relief because it would’ve been lame af if she went back to Hardy as doctor guy seems like a good person for her. Outside of telling her ex son boyfriend he liked his work, which undermined her, he was the consummate dude. 

•Stan Lee cameo. Must’ve been one of the last ones 

•the cashier from earlier watches Hardy turn into Venom and eat a human’s head and she’s totally nonplussed at it all lol. That was dumb to me until I remembered what working retail was like and now I’m nonplussed too. If a customer was heckling me and then got his head bitten off I’d be stoked. 

•post credit scene set up Carnage for a sequel but it was corny and poorly executed. “When I get outta here, there’s gonna be carnage”. Might as well have winked at the camera. Woody Harrelson in a curly red wig looked like a ****ing Raggedy Ann doll.

•alright, that’s the movie. The CGI design of Venom was alright. Not terrible, just alright. The voice was cool. The action was alright. The boss fight at the end was forgettable. Most all CGI fights are. Overall not the worst movie. It didn’t deserve a 30% on RT. That’s unwatchable movie terrain. I’d say it belongs around 60-65%, could’ve been infinitely better but for me wasn’t a failure of an end product. My personal score though is 7.0/10 because I didn’t hate it. It was certainly easy to mock but overall not shabby. Even funny at parts. I expect the sequel to be worse and that’s probably up next for me cause it’s on Starz too. 

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It’s 3:17 am and I’m struggling to fall asleep and one thought won’t leave me alone even though I haven’t watched Indiana Jones in years. Why did he commandeer his childhood pet dog’s actual name to use for himself? That’s so strange. I’m not going to change mine to Patches 

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