SodeeWater_Cheezburger Posted February 20 Share Posted February 20 I was thinking a thread where people can all come and share their favorite jokes might be a source of entertainment. Let's hear your favorite jokes! I'll start out with a football related one for everybody. ------------- A man finds his seat at the Super Bowl. He looks over and notices that there’s an empty seat between himself and the next guy. The guy asks, “Who in their right mind would miss the Super Bowl, especially with great seats like these?!” The man next to him lets out a small friendly smile and says, “Well, actually this was my wife’s seat. She passed away recently, and we had already purchased the tickets. The tickets were so expensive, I thought I should still go see the game.” The first guy is taken aback and says, “Oh, I’m sorry for your loss,” but then thinks for a second and says, “However, don’t you think it would have been a nice gesture to take one of her family members to the game?” The man looks ahead and replies, “I would, but they are all at the funeral right now.” 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tugboat Posted February 26 Share Posted February 26 What's Brown and Sticky? ... A Stick. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adamq Posted February 26 Share Posted February 26 (edited) Moth walks into a podiatrists office. Podiatrist says, what's bothering you? The moth replies, where do I begin? Every day I go to work for Gregory Vasilovich, and all day long I toil. But what is my work? I am a bureaucrat, and so every day I joylessly move papers from one place to another and then back again. I no longer know what it is that I actually do, and I don't even know if Gregory Vasilovich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and this seems to bring him much happiness. And where is my happiness? It is when I awake in the morning and I do not know who I am. In that single moment, I am happy. In that single moment before, the memory of who I am strikes me like a cane and I take to the streets and walk in a malaise here and then there and then here again. Then it is time for work. Others stop asking me what I do for a living long ago. For they know I will have no answer, and will fix my empty eyes upon them, and they fear my melancholia might prove so deep as to be contagious. Sometimes in the dark and the deepest dark of night I awaken my bed and I turn to my right and with horror I see some old lady lying on my arm. An old lady that I once loved, Doc, and whose flesh I once found splendor and now see only decay. An old lady who insults me by her very existence. One stock when I was young I flew into a spider web and was trapped and in my panic I smashed my wings till the dust flew from them but it did not free me and only alerted the spider. The spider moved toward me and I became still and the spider stopped. I had heard many stories from my elders about spiders, about how they would sink their fangs into your cephalothorax and you would be paralyzed but aware as the spiders slowly devoured you. So I remained as still as possible, but when the spider again began moving toward me, I smashed my wing again into my cage of silk, and this time it worked. I cut into the web and freed myself and flew skyward. I was free and filled with joy. But this joy soon turned to horror. I looked down and saw that in my escape I had taken with me a single strand of silk, and at the end of the strand was the spider who was scrambling upward toward me. Was I to die high in the sky where no spider should be? I flew this way, then that. Finally I freed myself from the strand and watched as it floated earthward with the spider. But days later, a strange feeling descended upon my soul Doc. I began to feel that my life was that single strand of silk with a deadly spider racing up it and toward me. And I felt that I had already been bitten by his venomous fangs, and I was living in a state of paralysis as life devoured me whole. My daughter Alexandria fell to the cold of last winter. The cold took her, as it did many of us. And so my family mourned. And I placed on my countenance the look of grief, Doc. But it was a masquerade. I felt no grief for my dead daughter, but only envy. And so I have one child now, a boy whose name is Stefan. And I tell you now, doc, with great and deep shame, the terrible truth: I no longer love him. When I look into his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I see when I catch a glimpse of my own eyes in a mirror. It is this cowardice that keeps me living Doc, that keeps me moving from place to place, saying hello and goodbye, eating though hunger as long left me, walking without destination, and at night, lying beside the strange old lady in this burlesque of a life I endure. If only the cowardice would leave for the time needed to reach over and pick up the cocked and loaded pistol that lies on my bedside table, and I might finally end this facade once and for all. But alas, the cowardice takes no breaks. It is what defines me. It is what frames my life. It is what I am, and yet I cannot resign myself to my own life. Instead with despair as my constant companion, as I walk here and then there, without dreams, without hope and without love. Moth, says the podiatrist, your tale has moved me and it is clear you need help. But it is help I cannot provide. Why on God's green Earth did you come to my office? moth: the light was on Edited February 26 by adamq 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
broncos_fan _from _uk Posted February 26 Share Posted February 26 45 minutes ago, adamq said: Moth walks into a podiatrists office. Podiatrist says, what's bothering you? The moth replies, where do I begin? Every day I go to work for Gregory Vasilovich, and all day long I toil. But what is my work? I am a bureaucrat, and so every day I joylessly move papers from one place to another and then back again. I no longer know what it is that I actually do, and I don't even know if Gregory Vasilovich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and this seems to bring him much happiness. And where is my happiness? It is when I awake in the morning and I do not know who I am. In that single moment, I am happy. In that single moment before, the memory of who I am strikes me like a cane and I take to the streets and walk in a malaise here and then there and then here again. Then it is time for work. Others stop asking me what I do for a living long ago. For they know I will have no answer, and will fix my empty eyes upon them, and they fear my melancholia might prove so deep as to be contagious. Sometimes in the dark and the deepest dark of night I awaken my bed and I turn to my right and with horror I see some old lady lying on my arm. An old lady that I once loved, Doc, and whose flesh I once found splendor and now see only decay. An old lady who insults me by her very existence. One stock when I was young I flew into a spider web and was trapped and in my panic I smashed my wings till the dust flew from them but it did not free me and only alerted the spider. The spider moved toward me and I became still and the spider stopped. I had heard many stories from my elders about spiders, about how they would sink their fangs into your cephalothorax and you would be paralyzed but aware as the spiders slowly devoured you. So I remained as still as possible, but when the spider again began moving toward me, I smashed my wing again into my cage of silk, and this time it worked. I cut into the web and freed myself and flew skyward. I was free and filled with joy. But this joy soon turned to horror. I looked down and saw that in my escape I had taken with me a single strand of silk, and at the end of the strand was the spider who was scrambling upward toward me. Was I to die high in the sky where no spider should be? I flew this way, then that. Finally I freed myself from the strand and watched as it floated earthward with the spider. But days later, a strange feeling descended upon my soul Doc. I began to feel that my life was that single strand of silk with a deadly spider racing up it and toward me. And I felt that I had already been bitten by his venomous fangs, and I was living in a state of paralysis as life devoured me whole. My daughter Alexandria fell to the cold of last winter. The cold took her, as it did many of us. And so my family mourned. And I placed on my countenance the look of grief, Doc. But it was a masquerade. I felt no grief for my dead daughter, but only envy. And so I have one child now, a boy whose name is Stefan. And I tell you now, doc, with great and deep shame, the terrible truth: I no longer love him. When I look into his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I see when I catch a glimpse of my own eyes in a mirror. It is this cowardice that keeps me living Doc, that keeps me moving from place to place, saying hello and goodbye, eating though hunger as long left me, walking without destination, and at night, lying beside the strange old lady in this burlesque of a life I endure. If only the cowardice would leave for the time needed to reach over and pick up the cocked and loaded pistol that lies on my bedside table, and I might finally end this facade once and for all. But alas, the cowardice takes no breaks. It is what defines me. It is what frames my life. It is what I am, and yet I cannot resign myself to my own life. Instead with despair as my constant companion, as I walk here and then there, without dreams, without hope and without love. Moth, says the podiatrist, your tale has moved me and it is clear you need help. But it is help I cannot provide. Why on God's green Earth did you come to my office? moth: the light was on Damn I miss norm 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
broncos_fan _from _uk Posted February 26 Share Posted February 26 This one is best done in person where you perform the actions of the 3rd surfer: 3 guys are enjoying a beautiful day in the surf when a lamp washes up on the beach. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50. The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and you’re right! your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys...... I think I f-ed up." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SodeeWater_Cheezburger Posted February 28 Author Share Posted February 28 (edited) Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go. The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask them if we can play through?" The second guy gets about halfway there, turns around and runs back. The first guy says, "What's wrong?" The second guy says, "One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress." The first guy says, "Yeah, that could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about halfway there, turns around and runs back. The second guy says, "What's wrong?" The first guy says, "Small world." Edited February 28 by SodeeWater_Cheezburger 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SodeeWater_Cheezburger Posted February 28 Author Share Posted February 28 CANNIBAL JOKES Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods? Why won’t cannibals eat divorced women? They are just too bitter! What is a cannibal’s favorite dessert? Lady fingers. What is the favorite restaurant of cannibals? Five Guys. What did the cannibal say to Lorena Bobbitt? Are you going to eat that? A man gets captured by cannibals. Every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, “You can kill me or you can eat me, but I’m tired of getting stuck for drinks.” Two cannibals are sitting next to the campfire when one of them says “I sure am sick of my mother-in-law.” The other cannibal replied: “So, just eat the potatoes!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SodeeWater_Cheezburger Posted February 28 Author Share Posted February 28 A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married, so she put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!" She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old guy leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and replied: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babyatemydingo Posted March 1 Share Posted March 1 The world sure has changed, identities, pronouns, etc. In fact you can no longer call people with lactose intolerance, "lactose intolerant." They identify as "non-buyin' dairy." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Football_Bachelor08 Posted April 5 Share Posted April 5 Chuck Norris jokes Jesus can walk on water but Chuck Norris can swim through land. If Chuck Norris gets shot, tomorrow will be the bullet's funeral. Chuck Norris appears in every Star Wars movie...as The Force. Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn. He stares at the grass and dares it to grow. The boogeyman looks under his bed to see if Chuck Norris is there. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
naptownskinsfan Posted April 5 Share Posted April 5 3 hours ago, Football_Bachelor08 said: Chuck Norris jokes Jesus can walk on water but Chuck Norris can swim through land. If Chuck Norris gets shot, tomorrow will be the bullet's funeral. Chuck Norris appears in every Star Wars movie...as The Force. Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn. He stares at the grass and dares it to grow. The boogeyman looks under his bed to see if Chuck Norris is there. Chuck Norris jokes have aged like fine wine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ty21 Posted April 8 Share Posted April 8 I find jokes and use them at work. My coworkers like them even if I don’t lol. A man is married to two women, Kate and Edith. Neither know about the other because he spends 2 weeks at one house and then pretends to go out of town for two weeks to be with the other one. One day, Kate finds out about Edith from a text on his phone, so Kate contacts Edith and then Kate and Edith both decide to file for divorce. Kate and Edith each get granted their divorce, and receive all the houses and things themselves, leaving the husband with nothing. The moral of the story: you can’t have your Kate and Edith too. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JonStark Posted April 8 Share Posted April 8 What's the difference between people from Abu Dhabi and people from Dubia? People from Dubia don't like the Flintstones and people from Abu Dabi do. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bowler1215 Posted April 12 Share Posted April 12 I have two dogs named Timex and Rolex, they're watch dogs I'm reading a very exciting book. It's written by Paige Turner Are you joining the search and rescue team? They're always looking for someone. I went to the butcher, put $50 on the counter and said 'I bet you can't reach the meat on the top shelf. The butcher replies. 'No, the steaks are too high' My girlfriend is mad I didn't buy her flowers. In my defense, I didn't know she sold flowers. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tugboat Posted April 12 Share Posted April 12 2 hours ago, Bowler1215 said: I have two dogs named Timex and Rolex, they're watch dogs I'm reading a very exciting book. It's written by Paige Turner Are you joining the search and rescue team? They're always looking for someone. I went to the butcher, put $50 on the counter and said 'I bet you can't reach the meat on the top shelf. The butcher replies. 'No, the steaks are too high' My girlfriend is mad I didn't buy her flowers. In my defense, I didn't know she sold flowers. Holy **** it's the ghost of Mitch Hedberg. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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