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Techbert

2018 Kamakura Kamikazes - 3rd Season

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Banzai!

Record to date:

2016     1-15

2017     3-13

Cumulative      4-28     .125

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Posted (edited)

The Brain Trust:

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Sam Hinkie

Holistic Maestro

 

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Cynthia Frelund

General Manager

 

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Scot McCloughan

Director of Football Stuff

 

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Team Analytics Staff

 

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Draft Day Club Representatives In Dallas

 

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Matt Patricia

Head Football Coach

Offensive Lineman in college

Nicknamed "Scissors" cuz he cut block so much

 

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Mike Mullarkey

Offensive Coordinator

Used "Exotic Smashmouth" offense in Tennessee

Repackaged to be more nimble and graceful, and named "Exotic Dancer" by Evil Techbert

 

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Paul Pasqualoni

Defensive Coordinator

Cuz Matt Patricia says so

 

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George Godsey

QB Coach

He's baaaack

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Norman Arey

Public Affairs Director

Dead for the last three years but too lazy to fall down yet

 

Edited by Techbert

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Salary cap:

Some facts Norm Arey were handed a week or two ago.

Salary Cap 2018: $177.2 million.

Top51: $148.6

Dead $: $3.8

Rookie Pool: $10.7

Current 2018 Obligations: $163.2

Space Available: $14.0

 

Current free agents include:

Brent Grimes cb

Josh Sitton og

Mike Wallace wr

Jake Brendel c (RFA)

Quincy Adeboyejo wr (RFA)

Logan Thomas te (RFA)

 

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Posted (edited)

Pre-Draft Depth Chart with updating free agents:

QB Garoppolo Foles Jones /// Allen

RB Mixon Dixon *** /// Hill Green

FB ***

WR Doctson *** Westbrook Miller *** Adeboyejo/// Whitehead Jones Howard Hogan Grayson Owusu

TE Clay Kittle Fleener Butt /// Braunecker Thomas

OL Cannon Witzmann Whitehair Sitton Massie Kush Clemmings Siragusa /// McDermott Bisnowaty DJohnson

DL Garrett Hargraves Jernigan Lowry Spence Billings Robertson-Harris DJJones /// McCalister Sh-ittu JT Jones

LB Collins Trevathan *** TSmith Evans Bello Grugier-Hill /// Cowser Ochi

CB Grimes Mills Crawley Alexander Wilson /// Worley CJ Smith Stribling MBranch

S Adams Gipson Mathieu Brice Nacua /// Thompson Elston Powell

K Parkey

P Haack

ds DePaola

 

Many of the asterisks will be replaced by house free agents, unrestricted free agents, and draft choices. Players to the right of "///" are not currently expected to make the final roster.

Candidates to be cut to free cap space include Mebane dt, Ayers de

Edited by Techbert

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Scot McCloughan stuck his head in Sam Hinkie's office. "I just heard who Evil Techbert plans on drafting with the #2 pick in the draft."

Sam slid some papers out of sight. "Don't believe all the rumors you hear."

"I know that. Sam, I'm the guy that starts the rumors for this team. And it's not a rumor if Evil Techbert tells you himself."

"After you get to know Evil Techbert, you'll change your mind on that last point."

"We can't pick a player at that position at #2. That is waaaay too high."

"Don't worry. I'll trade out of #2. Then we'll be picking a player too high, instead of waaaay too high."

"Are you sure you can do that?"

"Deal is done."

 

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Posted (edited)

Trade + Free Agent Buzz:

 

Kami have gained pick 4-115 in a draft day trade last year.

Traded CJ Smith cb for conditional 2020 7th. (Voided)

Exclusive rights tender on Jake Brendel c Mia,  James Cowser edge Oak, Quincy Adeboyejo wr Bal, Logan Thomas te Buf

Cut Robert Ayers de TB

Signed Brent Grimes (Hi Miko!) cb TB 1/10

Probably signed Josh Sitton og Mia 2/?

Signed Cody Parkey pk Chi 4/15

 

Edited by Techbert

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Posted (edited)
21 minutes ago, Techbert said:

Trade + Free Agent Buzz:

 

Kami have gained pick 4-115 in a draft day trade last year.

Traded CJ Smith cb for conditional 2020 7th.

Exclusive rights tender on Jake Brendel c Mia,  James Cowser edge Oak, Quincy Adeboyejo wr Bal, Logan Thomas te Buf

Cut Robert Ayers de TB

Signed Brent Grimes (Hi Miko!) cb TB 1/10 ($7mm cap #)

Probably signed Josh Sitton og Mia 2/?

Signed Cody Parkey pk Chi 3/13

Signed Tyrann Mathieu s Hou 1/7

 

Edited by Techbert

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HFC Matt Patricia praised for his most excellent fashion sense.

View image on Twitter
 

 

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Kamis sign Daryl Worley cb Oak.

Worley is facing a half dozen charges, including several for a firearm.

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Posted (edited)

Norm Arey, the world's laziest Public Affairs Director, was asked about reports the Kamikazes had traded first round picks with the NY Jets. "Uhmmm. Yeah. That's true. I think. Listen, that was a long time ago. I'm gonna have to research that."

An intern passes out a sheet dated March 17, 2018

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
 

Quote

 

Kamikazes Trade For Additional Draft Choices.

The Kamikazes traded their first round draft choice, #2 overall, for a package of New York Jet picks, including this year's 6th, 37th, and 49th, plus a second round choice in next year's draft.

 

Currently have the following picks:

1-6
2-35
2-37
2-49
3-68
4-105
5-143
6-181
7-226

Edited by Techbert

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Posted (edited)

Draft Day! Cue the helicopter circling the stadium as Evil Techbert gets off the phone with Kevin Costner!  It's a beautiful thing.

Evil Techbert sees the fifth pick and does a fist bump to the air. Sam is on the phone with... anybody. Cyn shrugs. Scot scowls. Scissors nods.

With the sixth pick of the 2018 NFL draft, the Kamakura Kamikazes select Quenton Nelson og ND. 

(There is no "I" in Quenton.)

Edited by Techbert

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With the 35th pick, if there is no trade, the Kamis select Josh Jackson cb Iowa.

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Posted (edited)

2-37 James Daniels c-g Iowa

Edited by Techbert

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Notre Dame and Iowa? Stop discriminating against players outside of cornfields. ;)

But nice draft so far!

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Posted (edited)

2-49 Anthony Miller wr Mem. (Corrected for space time continuum crossflow kerfuffle.)

Edited by Techbert

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