Techbert Posted March 13, 2018 Share Posted March 13, 2018 Banzai! Record to date: 2016 1-15 2017 3-13 Cumulative 4-28 .125 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Techbert Posted March 19, 2018 Author Share Posted March 19, 2018 The Brain Trust: Sam Hinkie Holistic Maestro Cynthia Frelund General Manager Scot McCloughan Director of Football Stuff Team Analytics Staff Draft Day Club Representatives In Dallas Matt Patricia Head Football Coach Offensive Lineman in college Nicknamed "Scissors" cuz he cut block so much Mike Mullarkey Offensive Coordinator Used "Exotic Smashmouth" offense in Tennessee Repackaged to be more nimble and graceful, and named "Exotic Dancer" by Evil Techbert Paul Pasqualoni Defensive Coordinator Cuz Matt Patricia says so George Godsey QB Coach He's baaaack Norman Arey Public Affairs Director Dead for the last three years but too lazy to fall down yet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Techbert Posted March 20, 2018 Author Share Posted March 20, 2018 Salary cap: Some facts Norm Arey were handed a week or two ago. Salary Cap 2018: $177.2 million. Top51: $148.6 Dead $: $3.8 Rookie Pool: $10.7 Current 2018 Obligations: $163.2 Space Available: $14.0 Current free agents include: Brent Grimes cb Josh Sitton og Mike Wallace wr Jake Brendel c (RFA) Quincy Adeboyejo wr (RFA) Logan Thomas te (RFA) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Techbert Posted March 20, 2018 Author Share Posted March 20, 2018 Pre-Draft Depth Chart with updating free agents: QB Garoppolo Foles Jones /// Allen RB Mixon Dixon *** /// Hill Green FB *** WR Doctson *** Westbrook Miller *** Adeboyejo/// Whitehead Jones Howard Hogan Grayson Owusu TE Clay Kittle Fleener Butt /// Braunecker Thomas OL Cannon Witzmann Whitehair Sitton Massie Kush Clemmings Siragusa /// McDermott Bisnowaty DJohnson DL Garrett Hargraves Jernigan Lowry Spence Billings Robertson-Harris DJJones /// McCalister Sh-ittu JT Jones LB Collins Trevathan *** TSmith Evans Bello Grugier-Hill /// Cowser Ochi CB Grimes Mills Crawley Alexander Wilson /// Worley CJ Smith Stribling MBranch S Adams Gipson Mathieu Brice Nacua /// Thompson Elston Powell K Parkey P Haack ds DePaola Many of the asterisks will be replaced by house free agents, unrestricted free agents, and draft choices. Players to the right of "///" are not currently expected to make the final roster. Candidates to be cut to free cap space include Mebane dt, Ayers de Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Techbert Posted March 20, 2018 Author Share Posted March 20, 2018 Scot McCloughan stuck his head in Sam Hinkie's office. "I just heard who Evil Techbert plans on drafting with the #2 pick in the draft." Sam slid some papers out of sight. "Don't believe all the rumors you hear." "I know that. Sam, I'm the guy that starts the rumors for this team. And it's not a rumor if Evil Techbert tells you himself." "After you get to know Evil Techbert, you'll change your mind on that last point." "We can't pick a player at that position at #2. That is waaaay too high." "Don't worry. I'll trade out of #2. Then we'll be picking a player too high, instead of waaaay too high." "Are you sure you can do that?" "Deal is done." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Techbert Posted March 20, 2018 Author Share Posted March 20, 2018 Trade + Free Agent Buzz: Kami have gained pick 4-115 in a draft day trade last year. Traded CJ Smith cb for conditional 2020 7th. (Voided) Exclusive rights tender on Jake Brendel c Mia, James Cowser edge Oak, Quincy Adeboyejo wr Bal, Logan Thomas te Buf Cut Robert Ayers de TB Signed Brent Grimes (Hi Miko!) cb TB 1/10 Probably signed Josh Sitton og Mia 2/? Signed Cody Parkey pk Chi 4/15 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Techbert Posted March 20, 2018 Author Share Posted March 20, 2018 21 minutes ago, Techbert said: Trade + Free Agent Buzz: Kami have gained pick 4-115 in a draft day trade last year. Traded CJ Smith cb for conditional 2020 7th. Exclusive rights tender on Jake Brendel c Mia, James Cowser edge Oak, Quincy Adeboyejo wr Bal, Logan Thomas te Buf Cut Robert Ayers de TB Signed Brent Grimes (Hi Miko!) cb TB 1/10 ($7mm cap #) Probably signed Josh Sitton og Mia 2/? Signed Cody Parkey pk Chi 3/13 Signed Tyrann Mathieu s Hou 1/7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Techbert Posted March 28, 2018 Author Share Posted March 28, 2018 HFC Matt Patricia praised for his most excellent fashion sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Techbert Posted April 24, 2018 Author Share Posted April 24, 2018 Kamis sign Daryl Worley cb Oak. Worley is facing a half dozen charges, including several for a firearm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Techbert Posted April 25, 2018 Author Share Posted April 25, 2018 Norm Arey, the world's laziest Public Affairs Director, was asked about reports the Kamikazes had traded first round picks with the NY Jets. "Uhmmm. Yeah. That's true. I think. Listen, that was a long time ago. I'm gonna have to research that." An intern passes out a sheet dated March 17, 2018 FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Quote Kamikazes Trade For Additional Draft Choices. The Kamikazes traded their first round draft choice, #2 overall, for a package of New York Jet picks, including this year's 6th, 37th, and 49th, plus a second round choice in next year's draft. Currently have the following picks: 1-6 2-35 2-37 2-49 3-68 4-105 5-143 6-181 7-226 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Techbert Posted April 27, 2018 Author Share Posted April 27, 2018 Draft Day! Cue the helicopter circling the stadium as Evil Techbert gets off the phone with Kevin Costner! It's a beautiful thing. Evil Techbert sees the fifth pick and does a fist bump to the air. Sam is on the phone with... anybody. Cyn shrugs. Scot scowls. Scissors nods. With the sixth pick of the 2018 NFL draft, the Kamakura Kamikazes select Quenton Nelson og ND. (There is no "I" in Quenton.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Techbert Posted April 27, 2018 Author Share Posted April 27, 2018 With the 35th pick, if there is no trade, the Kamis select Josh Jackson cb Iowa. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Techbert Posted April 27, 2018 Author Share Posted April 27, 2018 2-37 James Daniels c-g Iowa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrry32 Posted April 27, 2018 Share Posted April 27, 2018 Notre Dame and Iowa? Stop discriminating against players outside of cornfields. But nice draft so far! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Techbert Posted April 28, 2018 Author Share Posted April 28, 2018 2-49 Anthony Miller wr Mem. (Corrected for space time continuum crossflow kerfuffle.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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