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2018 Kamakura Kamikazes - 3rd Season


Techbert

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1 hour ago, jrry32 said:

Notre Dame and Iowa? Stop discriminating against players outside of cornfields. ;)

But nice draft so far!

Cue evil laugh by Evil Techbert. 

And they stayed in the Midwest (Ind/GB/Chi) in real life!

So what do they grow in Idaho and South Dakota?

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Norm Arey, world's laziest Public Affairs Director, asked "Who's that?"

Andi Anderson looked at the large man moving into the apartment next door. "That's Antonio Garcia ot NYJ. The Kamis claimed him on waivers."

"Oh." He took a drink. "Sweetie, can you put together a list of Kami undrafted free agents? For me?"

"Sure thing, hon."

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  • 3 weeks later...

"Norm! I gave you that list over two weeks ago! Why have you not posted it yet?"

"Huh? I got it yesterday."

"17 days. Now get posting!"

"Okay. Okay. Stop nagging."

qb JT Barrett OSU NO
rb Ryan Nall Ore St Chi
fb Khalid Hill Mich Sea
fb Luke McNitt Neb Atl
wr Vyncint Smith Lim
wr Robert Foster Ala
ot Desmond Harrison WGa Cle

de Joe Ostman CMU Phi
de Mike Love SFla Buf
lb Tegray Scales Ind LAR
lb Nick DeLuca NDSU Ten
lb Brian Womac Rice LAR
lb Emmanuel Ellerbee Rice Atl
db Tarvarus McFadden FSU SF

pk Eddy Peneiro Fla Oak/LV

 

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In a bizarre sports scandal, a report in the magazine Zinger claims that team owner Evil Techbert had five Twitter accounts linked to burner phones. In them, he has criticized Roger Goodell, alleged comedian Gallagher, various NFL players, and his brother in an alternate universe, Techbert.

The accounts are "NOTEvilTechbert", "Evi1TechbertRocks", "IGotAProcessForYaRightHere", "TechbertIsAStinkyHead", and "YounghoeKooWasFramed".

"I admit nothing!" Evil Techbert said, "And they only found five of them?"

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No. Visited it when I was in the Nav. Used it here cuz it is a Tokyo suburb and alliterative with "Kamikazes."

The way to read these threads is to separate the joke narrative (which often satirizes existing sports) from the serious personnel decisions. One is for your amusement, and the other is for... your amusement.

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Kamis announce that team Dunktank Clown Ryan Grigson has left the team for a consultant position with the Seattle Seahawks.

"Two wins within the division," Evil Techbert was heard to mutter. "Guaranteed."

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  • 4 weeks later...

Kamikazes Fail To Draft Cornerback

Despite having the 2nd worst record in the league, and despite entering a third round supplemental draft selection for him, the Kamakura Kamikazes fail to procure cornerback Sam Beal for the upcoming season. The New York Giants received the prized cornerback, thanks to a weighted lottery that only applies to the supplemental draft.

"Wow," said team owner Evil Techbert. "A 'lottery' allows a New York team to gain a player they would not otherwise get. Like Patrick Ewing and Tom Seaver. I guess that's fair."

The team is expected to sign safety Brandon Bryant of Miss St.

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  • 1 month later...

"Upload this."

"This is old."

"Don't care. Upload this. It's your job.

"Okay.... At least it is up before all the cuts."

qb

8

Brandon Allen

LAR

qb

5

JT Barrett

NO

qb

9

Nick Foles

Phi

qb

10

Jimmy Garoppolo

SF

qb

7

Cardale Jones

LAC

       

rb

30

Kenneth Dixon

Bal

rb

23

Brian Hill

Cin

fb

40

Khalid Hill

Sea

fb

43

Luke McNitt

Atl

rb

28

Joe Mixon

Cin

rb

35

Ryan Nall

Chi

rb

36

Bo Scarbrough

Dal

       

wr

16

Quincy Adeboyejo

Bal

wr

11

Antonio Callaway

Cle

wr

18

Josh Doctson

Was

wr

8

Robert Foster

Buf

wr

13

Cyril Grayson

Sea

wr

81

Krishawn Hogan

Ind

wr

87

Bug Howard

Car

wr

17

Andy Jones

Det

wr

17

Anthony Miller

Chi

wr

13

Braxton Miller

Hou

wr

82

Francis Owusu

Mia

wr

17

Vyncint Smith

Hou

wr

12

Dede Westbrook

Jax

       

te

84

Ben Braunecker

Chi

te

80

Jake Butt

Den

te

85

Charles Clay

Buf

te

85

George Kittle

SF

te

82

Logan Thomas

Buf

       

ot

51

Adam Bisnowaty

Det

c

64

Jake Brendel

Mia

ot

61

Marcus Cannon

NE

ol

69

TJ Clemmings

Was

c

68

James Daniels

Chi

ds

48

Andrew DePaoula

Oak

c

54

Anthony Fabiano

Cle

ot

62

Antonio Garcia

NYJ

ot

69

Desmond Harrison

Cle

og

64

Dorian Johnson

Car

c

64

Eric Kush

Chi

ot

70

Bobby Massie

Chi

ot

68

Conor McDermott

Buf

og

56

Quenton Nelson

Ind

og

65

Nico Siragusa

Bal

c

65

Cody Whitehair

Chi

ol

70

Bryan Witzmann

KC

       
       

dt

99

Andrew Billings

Cin

de

47

James Cowser

Oak

de

95

Myles Garrett

Cle

dt

79

Javon Hargrave

Pit

dt

93

Tim Jernigan

Phi

dt

93

DJ Jones

SF

de

55

JT Jones

Atl

de

56

Mike Love

Buf

de

94

Dean Lowry

GB

de

95

Joe Ostman

Phi

de

95

Roy Robertson-Harris

Chi

de

90

Aziz Sh-ittu

Phi

de

57

Noah Spence

TB

de

62

Brian Womac

LAR

       

lb

56

BJ Bello

Cle

lb

51

Jaimie Collins

Cle

lb

52

Emmanuel Ellerbee

Atl

lb

50

Jordan Evans

Cin

lb

49

Shaquem Griffin

Sea

lb

54

Kamu Grugier-Hill

Phi

lb

59

Alex McCalister

Was

lb

46

Tegray Scales

LAR

lb

48

Terrance Smith

KC

lb

59

Danny Trevathan

Chi

lb

48

Fred Warner

SF

       

s

33

Jamal Adams

NYJ

cb

20

Mackensie Alexander

Min

db

38

Marcelis Branch

Atl

s

29

Kentrell Brice

GB

s

40

Brandon Bryant

NYJ

cb

20

Ken Crawley

NO

s

27

Trae Elston

Mia

s

39

Tashaun Gipson

Jax

cb

24

Brent Grimes

TB

cb

37

Josh Jackson

GB

db

32

Tyrann Mathieu

Hou

db

33

Tarvarus McFadden

SF

cb

31

Jalen Mills

Phi

s

30

Tyvis Powell

SF

db

40

Brandon Wilson

Cin

cb

36

Daryl Worley

Oak

       

pk

1

Cody Parkey

Chi

pk

9

Eddy Pineiro

Oak

p

2

Matt Haack

Mia

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  • 2 weeks later...

53-Man Roster

qb 8 Brandon Allen LAR 26
qb 9 Nick Foles Phi 29
qb 10 Jimmy Garoppolo SF 26

rb 30 Kenneth Dixon Bal 24
rb 28 Joe Mixon Cin 22

wr 11 Antonio Callaway Cle 21
wr 18 Josh Doctson Was 25
wr 16 Robert Foster Buf 24
wr 17 Anthony Miller Chi 23
wr 17 Vyncint Smith Hou 22

wr 12 Dede Westbrook Jax 24

te 84 Ben Braunecker Chi 24
te 80 Jake Butt Den 23
te 85 Charles Clay Buf 29
te 85 George Kittle SF 24
te 82 Logan Thomas Buf 27

ot 61 Marcus Cannon NE 30
ot 74 TJ Clemmings Oak 26
c-g 68 James Daniels Chi 20
ot 69 Desmond Harrison Cle 24

c-g 64 Eric Kush Chi 29
ot 70 Bobby Massie Chi 29
ot 68 Conor McDermott Buf 25
og 56 Quenton Nelson Ind 22
c-g 65 Cody Whitehair Chi 26

 

dt 99 Andrew Billings Cin 23
de 95 Myles Garrett Cle 22
dt 79 Javon Hargrave Pit 25
dt 93 DJ Jones SF 23
de 94 Dean Lowry GB 24
de 95 Roy Robertson-Harris Chi 25
de 57 Noah Spence TB 24

lb 51 Jamie Collins Cle 28
lb 56 Emmanuel Ellerbee LAC 21
lb 50 Jordan Evans Cin 23
lb 49 Shaquem Griffin Sea 23
lb 54 Kamu Grugier-Hill Phi 24
lb 48 Terrance Smith KC 25
lb 59 Danny Trevathan Chi 28
lb 48 Fred Warner SF 21

s 33 Jamal Adams NYJ 22
cb 20 Mackensie Alexander Min 24
s 29 Kentrell Brice GB 24
cb 20 Ken Crawley NO 25
s 39 Tashaun Gipson Jax 28
cb 24 Brent Grimes TB 35
cb 37 Josh Jackson GB 22
s 32 Tyrann Mathieu Hou 26
cb 31 Jalen Mills Phi 24
s 40 Brandon Wilson Cin 24
 

pk 1 Cody Parkey Chi 26
p 2 Matt Haack Mia 24
ls 48 Andrew DePaola Oak 31

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Kamis put rb Kenneth Dixon and ls Andrew DePaola on IR and signed rb Brian Hill Atl from their PS and signed ls Trent Sleg Oak off the street.

rb Joe Mixon, their only other rb, is out 2 to 4 weeks with surgery.

"Don't bet on the Kamikazes this week," owner Evil Techbert said in what he called a Public Service Announcement. "There is no one to run the ball."

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