Dealing with Mental Illness in Others

[JaguarCrazy2832]

So I know the usual response is "We are not doctors, go get help" But I'm not asking about me or my wife this has to do with my mother in-law so give me a chance

In December my mother in-law had heart surgery and 2 weeks later she went into cardiac arrest. Ambulance came and had to jump her heart on several occasions. She was in a medically induced coma for a week and when they took her out of it she didnt wake up really. She was showing minimal signs of brain activity but she progressed. She doesnt remember anything, she is agitated so very easily and will tell you something that she believes happened like we said she was hurt we called her stupid and obviously we never said anything of that sort but she thinks its real. She barely eats anything at all so she gets fed with a tube. She just got discharged from the hospital yesterday but mentally she is just so lost. She was clamoring for weeks, crying that she wanted to go home and as soon as she got there she fussed at us that we changed everything...we changed nothing though. She is upset at my wife and I because "we got married and no one told her and her husband"...we have pictures that show she was there but she doesnt believe us and she constantly asks why we didnt tell her. Literally it is a constant question. We either just give in and say "Yea, sorry we didnt invite you" just hoping it would end but then she asks why. When we try and correct her, she just tells us that we are lying and her husband is so very upset about it...he was at the wedding too.

 

What do you do with this? I mean, how do we handle this? My father in-law is just so exhausted he can barely function. There is going to be constant nurse care so that will help but WTH do we do? We have to be there to help but if she is stuck on this loop of making us feel guilty about something we didnt even do, what do we do? It is killing my wife. My wife is someone that barely missed a minute of sleep and needs it to function as a teacher but she is just so beaten down by this. She and I want kids some day but how the hell can we do that if her mom is basically a child herself? We dont live with them but they are family and they are a priority right now but if we have a kid then that child becomes the priority. She doesnt remember anything and any time we change the subject it always comes back to our wedding and how hurt she feels. In a given hour, we are talking about is 56 minutes...we try to defer to something else and she pulls it right back in. And we cant just walk out because she is still uneasy on her feet and doesnt know what things are really so she could hurt herself. 

Anyone have experience dealing with diminished capacity? She is only 56 so this is very different from when my grandfather had dementia in his early 80s and i was too young to help 

[ramssuperbowl99]

You're way outside the scope of this forum. You're going to need a lawyer to see what adult disability your MiL might qualify for and how to protect both her and your FiL's assets, a patient advocate from the hospital to see what assisted living options might be available, and a therapist for you, your wife, and your FiL.

Sorry dude. That sucks.

[LETSGOBROWNIES]

Not a lot you can do, her mental function is out of your control. You need to remember she’s not of sound mind and not let her statements hurt you, she doesn’t know what’s she’s doing and it’s not intentional.

I wouldn’t lie to her (sorry we didn’t invite you), but rather constantly remind her she was there and show her photos.  At some point insist on changing the topic (as much as possible).

As far as kids, you can’t let your MIL be the center of your life.  You’ll grow to resent her and I’m guessing your MIL wouldn’t want that if she was able to have a coherent thought. You need to live your life.  If your FIL can’t care for her, perhaps a nursing home is the only option.  I know it sounds cold, but if she can’t be reasoned with and requires 24/7 care, it may be the best option for everyone.

[Malfatron]

you don't need to handle it. Just put up with it and move on with your thoughts

[MacReady]

Basically what MathMan said though.  Put up with it or don't.  You can't fix it.  You can't stop it.  She's a grandmother; if she got this far, she ain't about to change now. 

[tom cody]

To bad to see this, especially at a relatively young age at 56. It probably goes beyond the scope of any of us here but you should see a professional about this. 

[ET80]

8 hours ago, ramssuperbowl99 said:

You're way outside the scope of this forum. You're going to need a lawyer to see what adult disability your MiL might qualify for and how to protect both her and your FiL's assets, a patient advocate from the hospital to see what assisted living options might be available, and a therapist for you, your wife, and your FiL.

Sorry dude. That sucks.

Kinda thinking this as well. Assisted living could be a reasonable option.

[MWil23]

I hope this works out.

I think that it's time to look at assisted living, Power of Attorney/Living Will situations.

Best wishes and I'm so sorry. This is extremely tragic. We went through something almost identical with my grandmother a few years ago after she had major surgery on her carotid arteries in her neck. I wish I could tell you that it had a happy ending. 

[ramssuperbowl99]

30 minutes ago, MWil23 said:

I hope this works out.

I think that it's time to look at assisted living, Power of Attorney/Living Will situations.

Best wishes and I'm so sorry. This is extremely tragic. We went through something almost identical with my grandmother a few years ago after she had major surgery on her carotid arteries in her neck. I wish I could tell you that it had a happy ending. 

Is it SOP for hospitals to assign a case worker in situations like this?

[MWil23]

Just now, ramssuperbowl99 said:

Is it SOP for hospitals to assign a case worker in situations like this?

Usually there is some type of a case worker there to help walk you through the "options". As for what the options are, it depends...here's what it boils down to:

1. Finances (SHOCKING unfortunately). Are they medicare/medicaid? What's covered/deemed necessary and what's deemed a "luxury". For us, this was a nightmare since we needed each of my grandmother's doctors to sign off on things, including the carotid artery issue (surgeon), the gasto-intestinal specialist (surgeon), the cardio/coronary (surgeon). That meant seeing about 3-4 different doctors just to get started with the process.

2. Sometimes there is a set limit on the amount of days that you get access to this, or a certain percentage. For example, in my grandmother's case, it was 30-60 days at a major care facility with doctors/nurses, and then she would have to pay out of pocket. After that time was up, we moved her to a "nursing home" and medicaid paid for the nursing help.

I'm not sure if this helps/makes sense or not.

[ramssuperbowl99]

10 minutes ago, MWil23 said:

Usually there is some type of a case worker there to help walk you through the "options". As for what the options are, it depends...here's what it boils down to:

1. Finances (SHOCKING unfortunately). Are they medicare/medicaid? What's covered/deemed necessary and what's deemed a "luxury". For us, this was a nightmare since we needed each of my grandmother's doctors to sign off on things, including the carotid artery issue (surgeon), the gasto-intestinal specialist (surgeon), the cardio/coronary (surgeon). That meant seeing about 3-4 different doctors just to get started with the process.

2. Sometimes there is a set limit on the amount of days that you get access to this, or a certain percentage. For example, in my grandmother's case, it was 30-60 days at a major care facility with doctors/nurses, and then she would have to pay out of pocket. After that time was up, we moved her to a "nursing home" and medicaid paid for the nursing help.

I'm not sure if this helps/makes sense or not.

Yep, what I'm trying to get at here is that the FiL may have gotten access to some resources that would be able to provide OP a lot more specific help than a bunch of random internet dudes. Might be a good place to start untangling this mess.

[MWil23]

15 minutes ago, ramssuperbowl99 said:

Yep, what I'm trying to get at here is that the FiL may have gotten access to some resources that would be able to provide OP a lot more specific help than a bunch of random internet dudes. Might be a good place to start untangling this mess.

Absolutely. I'd start contacting medical professionals ASAP. The way things are coded, you may have to deal with multiple people, such as therapists, hospital liaison for medical appointments, etc.