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Techbert

2018 Kamakura Kamikazes - 3rd Season

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Norm sipped his coffee. His head pounded.

"Did you see what Evil Techbert gave Coach Patricia at the big Christmas party?" Andi folded some kitchen towels as she chatted.

"What Christmas Party?" Norm wanted to ask. Instead he said, "No, I musta missed that."

"You know how Coach always has a pencil stuck behind his ear?"

"No. That sounds weird. I would know about that," Norm wanted to say. Instead he said, "Sure. Everyone knows that."

"Evil Techbert gave him a pencil sharpener!"

Norm waited for the rest of the story. "That's funny," he finally said.

Edited by Techbert

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Posted (edited)

Two unnamed team officials (1 lower level front office and 1 scout) meet with a sportswriter for a deep background briefing.

"So you're a beat reporter for a St. Louis newspaper. That's a long way from Japan."

"That's right. We have "adopted" the Kamikazis as our team, as part of an effort to get the team to relocate to St. Louis."

"I'd like that. Any chance of that happening?"

"I don't know. City government runs hot and cold on the incentives, and your owner is... mercurial."

{Laughter} "What do you know of the team?"

"Finished 3-13. Garoppolo went down in game 3. Foles went down 5 starts later. The backup was bad.  Running back position was thin. Still the team finished 24th in offense and 18th in defense. Hard to believe that translates into the worst record in the league. 24th in passing. 16th in rushing.  5th in sacks. 6th in passes defended. 25th in interceptions.  18th in forced fumbles.  26th in turnover margin. It doesn't exactly add up. How much was owner interference?"

"You had to be here. When one unit was up, the other units were down. We never got blown out, but we didn't win any close ones."

"The offensive line took 6 or 7 games to get their act together. The runners took about the same. The receivers took even longer.  By then our "good" quarterbacks were 3-5. Garoppolo stunk it up the first game, played well and won the second, and played well and lost the third. Foles stunk it up 2 games, played well and won two games, and played well and lost one game. At that point, they just threw Brandon Allen in to get his 160 yards passing each week and the crowd showed for the halftime performances."

"Which were awesome. Evil Techbert is an evil genius."

"Foles is almost certainly gone. We will try to sign a new backup, and see who we can draft. Garoppolo is the franchise, though."

"ET wants Brian Fitzpatrick, who can beat anyone anywhere when he is hot but only when he is hot."

"What about the runners?"

"Mixon is all that, and got 1168 yards at almost 5 ypc, and also caught 43 passes. Dixon was a good complement when he came back late in the year. Brian Hill came out of nowhere and got 157 yards at almost 8 yards a clip."

"We want to add a guy in the draft."

"What about the Kareem Hunt rumors?"

"ET definitely wants to sign Hunt. Trouble is the commish has his boot on our throat on that. If we get a signal that Hunt will eventually be allowed to play, Hunt will be a Kami."

"Exciting to think of Mixon and Hunt together, with Dixon and Hill behind them."

"You can see why the commissioner does not want Mixon and Hunt representing together."

"What about the receivers?"

"Great group of kids.  If not held back by qb play, Westbrook would have gotten 66 catches and 700 yards, and Doctson 44 catches and 500 yards. Now add 4 rookies: Callaway 43 catches and 600 yards, Foster 27 catches and 500 yards, Miller 33 catches and 400 yards, and Vyncint Smith 5 catches and 100 yards... if we had the quarterback, which we did not. Andy Jones got 80 yards on 11 grabs."

"We went in the season expecting to use a lot of 12 personnel (1 back, 2 tight ends), but Kittle was the only one who answered the bell. Butt went down in 3 games. Clay's performance fell off a cliff. Thomas never really developed."

"Braunecker is a blocking tight end. The only reason we got Clay in the expansion draft is his contract was the worst in football but his performance was good, and ET did not care about contract for the initial team years."

"Clay won't be coming back.  It'll be Kittle, Butt, Braunecker, with a lot of 11 and 10 personnel (3 or 4 wide receivers). We might draft a WR or TE but don't expect it. With ET, you never know."

"What about the offensive line."

"Took a while to gel. Nelson was a great pick."

"Yeah. It's Quenton Nelson's world, and we just live in it."

"Whitehair had a good season after a down 2017. James Daniels settled into right guard. Our interior line is good to go."

"At tackle, it is Cannon, Massie, and Harrison. Harrison looked good at left tackle as an undrafted rookie, but he got sick and Cannon did not give the job back.            Witzmann, Kush, Brendel, McDermott, and Clemmings also played, and we kept Siragusa and Dorian Johnson on IR."

"ET could draft a player, but the OL looks set. Nelson has really made a difference."

"Just took time for all the pieces to settle in."

"Maybe you would have kept your quarterbacks healthy if they had gelled sooner."

{Shrugs} "What about the defensive line. Garrett was a monster, right?"

"Who can argue with 13.5 sacks? He had a lot of hurries. He didn't do too badly setting the edge versus the run, but he still needs to get better."

"He will.  Billings and Hargrave were solid in the middle, and added 10 sacks. Jernigan was not healthy a lot and I don't know if Spence will ever be again. Lowry, and DJ Jones provided depth, and Robertson-Harris was a pass rush specialist."

"Draft prospects on the defensive line? There are some great ones."

"I'm sure we will consider Bosa and Williams with our first pick, but ET may have Hinkie trade it, if a quarterback ramps it up and we get value for it.

"Linebacker?"

"Fred Warner was amazing, and had 121 tackles. Trevathan was healthy and when he stays healthy he is productive. Jamie Collins played well, although we moved him around. When you have 3 linebackers , and all have 100 tackles, they are doing their jobs.  Grugier-Hill, DeLuca, and Evans also had important roles, and Smith, Ellerbee, and Bello helped, mainly on special teams."

"We might get an outside linebacker on the first or second day of the draft."

"Safety?"

"Adams had over 100 tackles and Mathieu was solid. Gipson is probably gone.  We love Brice, but he can't stay healthy.  Wilson helps on special teams, and Bryant is a developmental type.

"Corner is still fluid. Grimes is probably gone, but he played lights out when he was here. Mills went down in mid-season.  Rookie Jackson has potential, but he's also been frustrating. Worley was not quite what we hoped to get, and Crawley and Alexander are best when part-time."

"If ET can get a lock-down corner, I bet he does."

"Special teams?"

"Probably league average or below.  Punting and kicking have been below average, but returns and coverage have been good. We're looking for a deep snapper."

"ET likes drafting punters and kickers."

"I see Mike Mayock joined the team, and Patricia survived Black Monday. Mullarkey left. Any other staff changes ahead?"

"Only if Mayock figures out what he is in for. Scot wanted out, so ET made that easy. Same with Mullarkey. Godsey is the OC."

"ET loves Hinkie. He took the player ET wanted (Nelson) and also got 3 2nd round picks. The only way Cynthia gets fired is if she shaves her head and/or gains 100 pounds.

"Team prospects for next year?"

"Decent quarterback play would put us in the playoffs. I like this team. "

"I want a lock-down corner, but get enough sacks and that does not really matter so much."

Edited by Techbert

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Staff changes:

Jim Bob Cooter added as QB coach, cuz name.

Gregg Williams named DC. "We absolutely will NOT have bounties on other players," said Evil Techbert. "However, we will have an elaborate bonus system."

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Congratulations to the following Kamis who earned post-season honors. Oh, if only Garoppolo had not gotten hurt!

Quenton Nelson All-Pro 1st team, Pro Bowl

Jamal Adams All-Pro 1st team, Pro Bowl

George Kittle All-Pro 2nd team, Pro Bowl

Myles Garrett All-Pro 2nd team, Pro Bowl

Cody Whitehair Pro Bowl

 

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In Norman Arey's, world's laziest Public Affairs Director, last act as an employee of the Kamakura Kamikazis, he fails to inform the press that Kareem Hunt rb Cle is now officially a Kami.

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