Ty21 Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 The Jets are so tired of being the Jets and have finally realized they need to change things drastically. Henceforth, they found a man on the street wearing a Mark Sanchez Jets jersey and offered him the head coaching job. “Heck, I’ll take it” he said. A good hire, many claim. Fans know more than nfl coaches, after all. In his first presser, he was asked what his strategy is with the team moving forward. “Teams are too obsessed with the future. New players, new this, new that. They all seem to forget the past. Players were good back then and there’s no reason to forget that.” That was decidedly a very vague answer but he soon after explained it by signing a very old J.P. Losman, an assistant coach at Clemson. “J.P., you said in March you would never consider playing again! What made you change your mind?” ”Uh, $15 million dollars made me change my mind.” ”What do you feel you can add to the team at your advanced age?” ”I mean, I’m the same guy I always was. But I am terribly terribly aware of my failures now as a qb (99 awareness). It keeps me up at night. This is my shot. This is my chance to get my grandmother to stop her silent treatment and make her proud of me again.” Mystery head coach didn’t stop there, as he talked Bill Belichick into switching Tom Brady’s position to running back and then traded a 5th round pick for him. “Bill, why in the world would you switch Tom Brady, a hall of fame quarterback, to runningback?” ”I feel like he hasn’t been utilized right in the last few years. Runningback is what he played in elementary school and it’s the position he feels most comfortable in.” ”okay, regardless, why did you trade him for a 5th round pick? Even at 41 he’s still worth multiple firsts probably.” ”Have you seen him run the ball before? He’s terrible. This is the best value we could’ve gotten.” The head coach who I keep forgetting the name of then went on to sign Terrell Owens and Michael Irvin. “Irvin is in his 50’s and just got checked and cleared for throat cancer and Owens is in his mid 40s. What could you possibly expect them to offer your team?” ”Well, as you said, Irvin was cleared for throat cancer, which means he doesn’t have it, which means he’s good to go. Also, he’s still friends with his coke dealer in the 90s and coke can give our players clarity and energy to win a bunch of games probably. And TO? He’s a hall of famer. What’s your problem? He still runs a 4.4.” The HC then traded a 2nd round pick for Ryan Shazier. Apparently no one told him he was borderline paralyzed. “You do know Shazier has severe spinal injuries and probably isn’t good to ever play again.” ”Players play on their basic instincts and that’s something your body never forgets.” ”You do know he can’t run, right?” ”He won’t need to. Running is an overrated aspect in the game of football. His 5 speed will serve our defense well.” The HC, Juan Blanco, capped things off by signing Kellen Winslow jr. ”I have to say, this isn’t a bad signing. He is due to go to prison for a very long time from kidnap and rape but since he is now an NFL player, he has the luxury of being shielded from the law and never having any repercussions. As long as he never does anything disgusting like smoke marijuana, this will go down as a good signing. Does he have anything left though? Can he even run?” ”Did you see how fast he ran from that trailer park after the cops arrived? He’s still got it.” After a couple weeks, the preseason has come to a close. Sam Darnold was released for being awful and now works at Popeyes as lead manager. Tom Brady ran for 16 yards and an average of .7 ypc, which is infinitely better than .0 ypc and Ryan Shazier has been reparalyzed. The first regular season game will be up soon. The goat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ty21 Posted April 19, 2019 Author Share Posted April 19, 2019 Jets Jets Jets 6 Lions 27 the Jets understandably couldn’t get anything going with so many new cogs in the offense but got an elite performance out of 41 year old runningback Tom Brady, who ran for 24 yards on 14 carries and a long of 7, which believe it or not is not his career long. TO went off though, not sure how, but he had 124 yards and a touchdown. well this didn’t post right but I’m not gonna correct it. This is J.P. hiking the ball congrats nice JP Losman 7-20 133 yards 1 td 2 int 36.0 qbr Tom Brady 14 car 24 yds 1.7 ypc 7 lg Terrell Owens 5 cat 124 yds 24.8 ypc 1 td 37 lg Michael Irvin 1 cat 13 yds 13.0 ypc 0 td 13 lg Tom Brady 1 cat -4 yds -4.0 ypc -4 lg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MKnight82 Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 I'm confused what's going on here, but I'll like your post anyways. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ty21 Posted April 19, 2019 Author Share Posted April 19, 2019 3 hours ago, MKnight82 said: I'm confused what's going on here, but I'll like your post anyways. Yeah a lot of people didn’t fully understand what J.P. Losman had to offer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jakuvious Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 Already seems more entertaining than the real Jets. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kingseanjohn Posted April 21, 2019 Share Posted April 21, 2019 On 4/19/2019 at 5:09 PM, Tyty said: Yeah a lot of people didn’t fully understand what J.P. Losman had to offer Would you say he's on par with Matt Barkley? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ty21 Posted April 21, 2019 Author Share Posted April 21, 2019 1 hour ago, kingseanjohn said: Would you say he's on par with Matt Barkley? Why compare a sheep to a goat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ty21 Posted April 24, 2019 Author Share Posted April 24, 2019 Jits Jats Juuts 14 Dolphins 20 The Jets showed that they aren’t afraid to score points and scored points they did. Their punter was player of the game this game, making some sick *** spins on some punts that left a couple fans mystified. They weren’t great punts, they just had a weird spin. I don’t know, you’d had to have been there. J.P. Losman 6-18 187 yards 33% 70.5 qbr 2 td 3 int Tom Brady 25 car 55 yds 2.2 ypc 0 td 8 lg Terrell Owens 4 cat 135 yds 33.7 ypc 2 td 62 lg Michael Irvin 1 cat 17 yds 17.0 ypc 0 td 17 lg Kellen Winslow 1 cat 35 yds 35.0 ypc 0 td 35 lg Terrell Owens was made by me and is only 67 overall but still yeenz teams every game I don’t get it hi my name is punt god what’s urs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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