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BDL Discussion Thread 2020


TedLavie

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2 minutes ago, pheltzbahr said:

I'm not slogging through that either., but I did find this gem I put up against footsy.

OFFENSE

 

We come out in our 3 Wide 1 TE 1 RB base.   With Matt Stafford enjoying a great season so far (+128.2 on the Gruden scale - currently 3rd in his Y Banana of the Year category), we will look to utilize his accuracy spreading the ball to our bevy of weapons.  D. Thomas (+96 in the height category) will look to overwhelm Jalen Ramsey (-41 in NFL experience scale - tied for last with all other rookies) on jump balls and designed screens.  Jarvis Landry (+99.69 on the dominating targets of your team metric) should be able to find room to separate from James Bradberry (+451 on the Burnt scale, 93rd out of 96 eligible slices of toast) and help move the chains.  Tyler Eifert has soared in games not missed (GNM) since returning from injury and will be Staffords first read in the Red Zone (RZ), where no one in the Orlando secondary can match his Slaytic minus BS algo.

 

Demarco Murray and Derrick Henry will continue to provide balance and wear out our opponent; they have the highest combined Punishment Distribution Ratio of any BDL RB tandem (6.2 Levellings/Game).  Along with their incredible thigh gap to neck metric of -9.2 and -11.4 respectively, they should run wild against Donkey Kong Suh (+481 Bleeding Vagina Scale) and friends.  Well, he has no friends except Kingston Hawke (+Infinity DBag rating).

 

TLDR - You didnt read it, but it was stone cold logic, trust me

 

DEFENSE 

 

As one sided as our offense is matching up against the AssSprays, the defensive matchup is beyond silly.  We expect a heavy dose of David Johnson with his impressive High Butt Plateau Measurement (+6.8cm above coccyx), but our guys up front can gain penetration based on the Orlando O lineman average leg bend (12.9 degrees - poor by NFL, let alone BDL, standards).

 

With the run game neutralized, we can get after Russ, whose Non-Linear Acceleration/Anal Sublimation number has fallen 82% from last year, to a horrific .86 seconds/parts per million.  For perspective, the only qualifying QB that scored lower is Tom Brady during the month of September.  Thanks Goodell!

 

With the game obviously lopsided already, we get to our secondary, the strength of our stop unit.  Sporting a 93% Average Shutdown Rate, not to mention their unprecedented Troll Composite Proportion (through 7 games) of Wraith squared, our corners are without comparison.  Against a wideout corps featuring Alshon Jeffrey and his team high (Skill players only) 6.3/1 sandwich to salad consumption rate, Orlando will be lucky to get one first down before the game is already won.

 

TLDR - All statistics are objectively irrefutable, I challenge you to find evidence otherwise;  I do this for a living

Oh my

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Things could get interesting here soon? I suppose we'd probably pause the season too and then pick it up when they pick back up? Maybe remove a game or two from the schedule too so that we can keep things on track to where the BizzBowl happens week 17? Obviously all very hypothetical now but with the Chiefs, Patriots, and now Saints having positive covid tests in the past couple of days we could be heading towards this scenario.

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