Relationship Advice Thread

[ramssuperbowl99]

23 minutes ago, WizeGuy said:

I'm talking purely for hooking up. Dating wise, I'd like someone very close in age, but that's years out. 

I'm just coming out of a 10-year relationship. It was incredibly fulfilling, but as many of you know- long-term relationships come with a ton of compromise and responsibility, and I just want to avoid that for a while. I want as much independence as possible, which still won't be a ton because we have a 5-year-old together.

But yeah, not looking for an emotional connection as much as a physical connection with limited effort. I'm strapping up and hoeing out for a bit, and I'm not hiding my current situation, either. Honestly, would love to hook-up with some of the moms I've seen at the playground, haha! My attraction is most def geared toward the hot moms in their 30s, but that's probably going to be slim pickings.

And I'm a pretty good-looking dude. I take care of myself, and people typically think I'm in my mid-to-late-20s. That being said, if I'm talking to a woman and start feeling like her uncle due to the age difference, then I'm out. I haven't really thought about this at all since I never thought I'd be single again, so maybe talking to a 26-year-old will feel off, or maybe it'll just be mindless fun, which is all I need at the moment. 

Yeah no worries, if haven't dated for a while and haven't talked to younger people it's not the kind of thing you'd ever think about.

I don't know if this is denial about aging in general or what it is, but I don't view myself as an "adult" (even though I am), it's more that until I think about it, I feel like an 18 year old with a whole lot of experience. And I don't tend to view younger adults as young adults, I just talk to people like people.

So it's odd the first time you have someone go "what was that thing?"

 

And going the other way, their problems are really difficult to relate to. I was talking to a younger friend of a friend, just getting to know them, and they were complaining about doing their taxes. Not because they were especially complicated, she was struggling with the 1040 part.

It immediately flashed me back to when I was doing my taxes on my own for the first time and how overwhelming it felt, just because it was so new. I was 21, Obama was in office, the Rams were in St. Louis, I was still actively drinking, there was no COVID etc. It legitimately was a lifetime ago. It completely killed any interest, and my guess is you'd have a similar experience even with a 5 minute conversation.

 

If you're just looking to hook up, that's easy - find the women who show interested body language while talking constantly about how age gaps are gross. And leave the ring on.

[MWil23]

Honestly, I’m not going to tell you what to do. I don’t know your background story or why your relationship is no longer intact. But I would encourage you to take this opportunity and time to reflect upon what you want out of life long term. Everyone processes that differently.

For me, if anything ever happened to my wife, she made me promise that “You won’t be a hermit and live by yourself and cut yourself off from the world without anyone other than the kids” and I said “Yeah, I’m not promising that.”

Good chance I’d be the guy who after a while would finally have a first date and put all his cards in the table like “Yeah, basically I’ve got 3 kids, I don’t want any more, I can’t have any more because I got a vasectomy, I need you to be absolutely in love with them and be understanding of my relationship with my in-laws who are their grandparents and aunts/uncles to them, and that I have nephews and nieces too and my old brothers in law are some of my best friends. In return, down the road, if you want to sign up for that, I’ll love you unconditionally and give you all of myself. If not, no hard feelings at all and I absolutely wish you the best.”

[WizeGuy]

18 minutes ago, ramssuperbowl99 said:

Yeah no worries, if haven't dated for a while and haven't talked to younger people it's not the kind of thing you'd ever think about.

I don't know if this is denial about aging in general or what it is, but I don't view myself as an "adult" (even though I am), it's more that until I think about it, I feel like an 18 year old with a whole lot of experience. And I don't tend to view younger adults as young adults, I just talk to people like people.

So it's odd the first time you have someone go "what was that thing?"

 

And going the other way, their problems are really difficult to relate to. I was talking to a younger friend of a friend, just getting to know them, and they were complaining about doing their taxes. Not because they were especially complicated, she was struggling with the 1040 part.

It immediately flashed me back to when I was doing my taxes on my own for the first time and how overwhelming it felt, just because it was so new. I was 21, Obama was in office, the Rams were in St. Louis, I was still actively drinking, there was no COVID etc. It legitimately was a lifetime ago. It completely killed any interest, and my guess is you'd have a similar experience even with a 5 minute conversation.

 

If you're just looking to hook up, that's easy - find the women who show interested body language while talking constantly about how age gaps are gross. And leave the ring on.

I work at a hospital with a ton of nurses in their 20s. The ones in their early 20s seem really young to me. Even physically, some of them still look like college freshman. I find myself with little attraction to them outside of a few who physically draw my attention (and don't look 18), but I'm quickly reminded of the age gap when I talk to them.

The nurses in their mid-to-late-20s are a lot easier to talk to. There seems to be a big maturity gap between a 21-year-old and a 26-year-old, obviously. The nurses in their mid-20s typically have their own homes (or rent given the circumstances of the housing market) and are doing adult things. I don't think I'd have a problem hooking up with one of them. A baddie in scrubs can garner my attention pretty quickly, haha. 

All that being said, I have a feeling most of my fun with people of similar age as me. I don't think I'd hand wave away a hot woman in their mid-to-late-20s if they showed interest at a bar, though. On the other hand, I was out at a bar a few weeks ago, and I didn't feel any draw to any of the women there. 

This is going to be a really weird phase of life for me. I'm at the age where I still look young enough to pull women in their 20s while also aging out from that age range. 

I suppose I can use the old millennial rule: X/2+7...so 36/2

Is that rule now outdated?!

[MWil23]

29 minutes ago, WizeGuy said:

I work at a hospital with a ton of nurses in their 20s. The ones in their early 20s seem really young to me. Even physically, some of them still look like college freshman. I find myself with little attraction to them outside of a few who physically draw my attention (and don't look 18), but I'm quickly reminded of the age gap when I talk to them.

The nurses in their mid-to-late-20s are a lot easier to talk to. There seems to be a big maturity gap between a 21-year-old and a 26-year-old, obviously. The nurses in their mid-20s typically have their own homes (or rent given the circumstances of the housing market) and are doing adult things. I don't think I'd have a problem hooking up with one of them. A baddie in scrubs can garner my attention pretty quickly, haha. 

All that being said, I have a feeling most of my fun with people of similar age as me. I don't think I'd hand wave away a hot woman in their mid-to-late-20s if they showed interest at a bar, though. On the other hand, I was out at a bar a few weeks ago, and I didn't feel any draw to any of the women there. 

This is going to be a really weird phase of life for me. I'm at the age where I still look young enough to pull women in their 20s while also aging out from that age range. 

I suppose I can use the old millennial rule: X/2+7...so 36/2

Is that rule now outdated?!

36/2+7 gives you 25.

Outdated is a relative term. 3 years of “acceptable adulthood” post college or 7 years into post high school is enough time to be established on your own and such.

It is also super creepy if you knew them growing up or a former mentor/teacher/professor, so yeah, I’d say that stuff matters more.

[WizeGuy]

1 hour ago, MWil23 said:

Honestly, I’m not going to tell you what to do. I don’t know your background story or why your relationship is no longer intact. But I would encourage you to take this opportunity and time to reflect upon what you want out of life long term. Everyone processes that differently.

For me, if anything ever happened to my wife, she made me promise that “You won’t be a hermit and live by yourself and cut yourself off from the world without anyone other than the kids” and I said “Yeah, I’m not promising that.”

Good chance I’d be the guy who after a while would finally have a first date and put all his cards in the table like “Yeah, basically I’ve got 3 kids, I don’t want any more, I can’t have any more because I got a vasectomy, I need you to be absolutely in love with them and be understanding of my relationship with my in-laws who are their grandparents and aunts/uncles to them, and that I have nephews and nieces too and my old brothers in law are some of my best friends. In return, down the road, if you want to sign up for that, I’ll love you unconditionally and give you all of myself. If not, no hard feelings at all and I absolutely wish you the best.”

I'm working through those emotions now. My 5 year plan for now is:

- Be all-in on being a dad. This one is pretty easy, but we're going to do 50/50. So I'm going to be spending a ton of time with my son. Im looking forward to just 'us' time. Also, all the activities he gets into will keep me plenty busy. 

- Live on my own. I've never actually lived on my own. I went right from college to moving in with my wife. I, luckily, can probably afford a nice townhome, so I'm going to rent for a while and save up for a house. Also, renting gives me some time to see if I end up getting back together with my wife. Much easier to move from a rented space than an owned home. 

- Have fun with women, but don't commit to anything too serious for a while. Again, I haven't experienced a ton of independence in my life, so I'm going to use this time to be as independent as possible. Oh, and be SAFE. I made some mistakes in my 20s that filled me with anxiety when I had to wait on test results from the clinic. Never again!

- Get involved in more hobbies. As of now, I like playing golf, playing hockey, going on poker trips, going out for a few drinks with friends, etc...but I want to challenge myself more. I'm looking into camping gear. Im going to travel to random cities in the north east, and just explore. 

- Im thinking of doing therapy. My wife is a beautiful woman who loves with all her heart. I feel like I can't love as hard as some people. Like there's a barrier I can't get past. I was raised by my dad not to show emotions or be vulnerable. I was also put in a lot of weird sexually driven scenarios when I was a late-teen-to-early-20s that I didn't realize how weird they were until I got older. So, if I want to up my odds of having a successful long-term relationship, then seeking help may be incredibly beneficial. 

After that? Not 100% sure, but I do want longevity in a relationship again. 

45 minutes ago, MWil23 said:

 

 

[twslhs20]

On 8/5/2024 at 4:49 AM, WizeGuy said:

 

Well, I likely won't be dating in my 30s. I'm just going to sink into a bunch of hobbies (new and old), traveling, and having fun with the opposite sex with no strings attached. How's dating for a divorced man with a kid in his 40s? Any better than a man in his 30s who divorced with a kid?!

Honestly, I'm looking forward to the independence more than trying to a find a new partner or hooking-up. I'm really looking forward to finding a nice place to live, enjoying being a dad, and exploring a ton of new possibilities in this next phase of life. I'm not nearly as giddy as I was in my early 20s, so hooking-up will be fun, but no something I'll need consistently. 

 

 

 

No kids never married. Just speaking form my experience it's been interesting, but I'm probably not a good example. Absolutely terrible at this lol.

[WizeGuy]

11 hours ago, twslhs20 said:

No kids never married. Just speaking form my experience it's been interesting, but I'm probably not a good example. Absolutely terrible at this lol.

Ha! My comment was tongue in cheek. I'm assuming when I'm ready to date again- it'll be even more difficult for me as I'll be older and divorced + have a kid (line up ladies!, lol). The good news is, I'm in zero rush to get in another relationship, so I'm fine with taking my time. Definitely want a relationship with longevity at some point in life, though. 

[SteelKing728]

Uhhhh maybe I should have sat this one out...yikes!

[WizeGuy]

On 9/3/2024 at 11:04 PM, SteelKing728 said:

Uhhhh maybe I should have sat this one out...yikes!

What happened, my dude?

[SteelKing728]

5 hours ago, WizeGuy said:

What happened, my dude?

Well it's really not the worst thing, but my relationship didn't work out. After having a kid things changed.... A lot.

We're still friends and coparent well. We just fell out of love as soon as our little guy showed up.

[WizeGuy]

On 9/6/2024 at 8:38 PM, SteelKing728 said:

Well it's really not the worst thing, but my relationship didn't work out. After having a kid things changed.... A lot.

We're still friends and coparent well. We just fell out of love as soon as our little guy showed up.

I can relate to this. My wife and I just split. We have a 4-year-old, and she started nursing school last year, so a lot of life stresses and responsibilities. It sucks, but like you- my wife and I get along really well, and it seems to be helping my son with the transition. 

I will say, the first couple of years of parenting take a toll on the relationship. Physical intimacy declines. Emotional support may slow down due to parents being more tired and stressed. Not as much time for date nights. It's common for the relationship to struggle during that time. I just hope you guys didn't jump the gun a bit.