I'm Having a Baby!! Advice?

[Kiwibrown]

11 hours ago, Woz said:

Gonna have to disagree with this one for both my children's births.

First one (hospital birth), the staff was pestering my wife about how she learns best while in significant amounts of pain. At one point, I got her to look at me. I realized while she was looking at me, she didn't see me because of the pain. They finally stopped asking and got her on pitocin after getting them to shut the hell up. They then left the room and my wife was finally able to get on top of contractions. Of course, they didn't bother checking back so I ended up being the only one there where my son crowned (scrambling by the team happened quickly after my shout of "hey where they hell are you guys?! the baby's coming right now!"). If you are going to be your wife's advocate, you need to be in a position to evaluate what's going on and if you need to intervene on your wife's behalf. You should be deferential to the medical staff because they've done this infinite times more than you, but they're not infalliable.

Second one (home birth, due to the shiznit that went down with #1), I was holding my wife and breathing/moaning with her. She had asked for a quiet/low light birth (which the midwife and doula abided by). So did I ... even when she latched onto my shoulder with a bite a great white shark would have been proud of for 10 seconds. I screamed silently looking at the midwife and doula who were chuckling (quietly) in sympathy.

 

If you want to be completely removed, you can be. But to say that the husband is unimportant is at best misleading and at worst a trope/stereotype.

sounds like the health professionals were awful in no. 1, which I am sorry for. 

We had an emergency C-section, the team was amazing. I wasn't 'removed' it was just that there was a team of 8-10 health proffesionals that saved my wife from pain and my daughters life. there were an excellent team and did a great job with a  c-section and 8 minutes of resuscitation on my daughter, at that point i had nothing to offer other than support, which is nice but not required in the hands of the team I was with. 

 

[JaguarCrazy2832]

@Woz #1 is freakin terrifying. At first my wife thought about a home birth but she wants the “good stuff” when it comes to the drugs. What are the downsides to her being drugged out during birth? Doesnt that have a negative effect on the baby?

[EaglesPeteC]

Pro tip: Feed the baby

[Woz]

10 hours ago, Kiwibrown said:

sounds like the health professionals were awful in no. 1, which I am sorry for. 

We had an emergency C-section, the team was amazing. I wasn't 'removed' it was just that there was a team of 8-10 health proffesionals that saved my wife from pain and my daughters life. there were an excellent team and did a great job with a  c-section and 8 minutes of resuscitation on my daughter, at that point i had nothing to offer other than support, which is nice but not required in the hands of the team I was with. 

 

Yeah, #1 was not a fun time.

If the docs believe that they need to go for an unscheduled/emergency C-section, then absolutely get the eff out of the way. But if it is normal (which, I realize, Jaguar isn't going to be able to identify given that it's his first), being involved can be rewarding.

I get why some of you guys think you shouldn't look or whatever, but:
A) It's a magical moment, and
B) grow up.

[Woz]

44 minutes ago, JaguarCrazy2832 said:

@Woz #1 is freakin terrifying.

I cannot say my son's birth (#1) was something that is normal at the particular hospital we chose or just bad luck. We've had other people who told us they had perfectly normal times at the same hospital. Maybe it was a busy night? My wife's screams did manage to cause a couple of other women to stop their labors. Yes, that's possible; if the mother is heavily stressed, the body will stop labor, which makes sense from a biological/evolutionary perspective. You don't want the mom-to-be to be in labor while a saber-tooth tiger attacks.

Quite a few things went wrong that night.The first one was that the obstetrician who we had been working with throughout her birth happened to be on vacation (my son came a bit early). The second one was that the OB who was taking over for our normal obstetrician was a bit of a *****. I still remember after calling her and telling her that my wife was starting labor and her ending the call with "good luck" (there was a bit more to the call than that, but I distinctly remember that last part).

Looking back on it, however, the third one was probably the simplest but the biggest: they lost our pre-arrival paperwork. So, to back up here for a moment, if you choose the hospital route, you can (and absolutely should) fill out the intake paperwork ahead of schedule. Consider it akin of the "go bag" that you will pack ahead of schedule so that you just need to grab keys, wife, and bag as you head out the door. Our mistake was not getting a copy of that paperwork. Put that in the go bag just in case it gets lost.

As a result of that, I was forced to fill out a bunch of forms I had already filled out while worrying about my wife. At the same time, she didn't know where I was and was starting to panic because she was on her own. My wife had worked out a whole "birth plan" that the hospital claimed they would honor (barring medical emergencies), but they basically tossed it aside. They didn't even honor it when I finally got through the intake shenanigans and showed them what we wanted (that was in the go bag). That kind of set the tone for the whole night.

Does this mean our situation will be yours? No. But like I said before, plans are great up until first contact. You, as your wife's advocate, are going to have to make choices on the fly.

1 hour ago, JaguarCrazy2832 said:

At first my wife thought about a home birth but she wants the “good stuff” when it comes to the drugs. What are the downsides to her being drugged out during birth? Doesnt that have a negative effect on the baby?

Advantage of the drugs is obviously less pain(*). Disadvantage of the drugs is that the mother has a lot less options for positioning. The whole "sitting upright, woofing while a doctor says PUSH!" stereotype you see on TV/movies? That's because of the drugs. The mother cannot feel the lower half of her body so she needs the coaching. For the record, she's not "drugged out;" she would be lucid, just unable to feel her lower body. I'm not a doctor, so I'm cannot that the drugs will/won't hurt but I would say that since it's incredibly common that I wouldn't stress out too much about them.

Without the drugs, obviously there's pain (pain that anyone with a Y chromosome will probably never truly grasp the magnitude of). However, the mother can move around, change positions, walk, squat, do whatever feels comfortable/proper. To put on a crunchy granola hat for a moment, I would point out that women have been giving birth without drugs for most of humanity's existence on Earth. While you wife may think she doesn't know how to give birth, her body does.

If you go the home birth route, I would recommend you make sure your midwife is a Certified Nurse-Midwife. Said person (okay, let's be fair, woman because chances are your wife isn't going to want another man running the show) is going to be in charge of the actual birth. Depending on how involved you want to be, she may only be involved after transition (end of stage 1, but in charge for stage 2 and stage 3 (I'm not linking that for you wusses)) or she could be involved from the jump. That's between the three of you.

You might also want to look into hiring a doula regardless if you go for a hospital or a home birth. She's going to be useful as a wise hand who will be there for during and after the birth (the midwife is gone by that point). Your doula might be a lactation specialist so she can help your wife with nursing and generally as a person who is there to help out with making sure your wife is comfortable (or as comfortable as she can be) post-birth.

By the way, there might be a third option for you two: a birth center. As it name implies, it's more institutional than your home but isn't a full hospital. Think of it as a halfway point between the two options. The birth center will likely have birthing tubs and other accouterments that you would need to rent, set up, and clean all ready to go if you wanted those things for a home birth. That will depend on where you live as not all states/areas have them.

 

 

(*) Keep in mind, there's a window when they can administer said drugs. If she happens to move through labor faster than expected (or if the anesthesiologist is delayed (hey that back nine is not going to play itself thankyouverymuch (okay, that's a bit of a cheap shot ... but not a totally unwarranted one))), the drugs might be off the table.

[EaglesPeteC]

On 7/24/2018 at 12:33 AM, Kiwibrown said:

Im just saying you are the east important person in the room by a long shot. 

baby
wife
med staff

 

you

the only person that doesn't have to be there is the husband/partner.  everyone else is essential. I agree about being the wifes advocate. I was and it is important. But you sure as heck have a really good shot of getting your mrs and the baby healthy and alive without the the husband there. 
In most cutures child birth happens without the husband being there. It is a western thing. 

This

 just do whatever your wife says. This is also sage advice for life actually haha 

[LETSGOBROWNIES]

 

Quote

I get why some of you guys think you shouldn't look or whatever, but:
A) It's a magical moment, and
B) grow up.

A. It’s a magical moment either way.

B. It’s not childish or immature to not want to see your spouse’s vagina explode, it’s personal preference. I’ve seen childbirth with other chicks (I’m an RN and so is @Kiwibrown fwiw) and it was gross then.  I’d rather not watch my wife potentially take a dump on the floor just to say I did.

Edited July 27, 2018 by LETSGOBROWNIES

[Woz]

12 minutes ago, LETSGOBROWNIES said:

B. It’s not childish or immature to not want to see your spouses vagina explode

"Good grief." - C. Brown

[sdrawkcab321]

At the baby shower have a diaper raffle. each person who brings in a pack of diapers gets a ticket into a raffle for like a gift card of something. Tell them to get different sizes. I have a 14 week old and we still haven’t had to buy diapers yet because we got so many at the shower. 

[sdrawkcab321]

On 7/27/2018 at 1:11 PM, LETSGOBROWNIES said:

 

A. It’s a magical moment either way.

B. It’s not childish or immature to not want to see your spouse’s vagina explode, it’s personal preference. I’ve seen childbirth with other chicks (I’m an RN and so is @Kiwibrown fwiw) and it was gross then.  I’d rather not watch my wife potentially take a dump on the floor just to say I did.

It really wasn’t that bad for us. I was expecting a lot worse. 

[ET80]

On 7/27/2018 at 12:04 PM, EaglesPeteC said:

This

 just do whatever your wife says. This is also sage advice for life actually haha 

Pretty much nailed it. Wife doesn't even need to be pregnant, just listen to her.

[JaguarCrazy2832]

On 7/30/2018 at 4:49 PM, ET80 said:

Pretty much nailed it. Wife doesn't even need to be pregnant, just listen to her.

So the weird thing about my wife is she loathes making decisions about most anything so she usually defers to me. 

[Incarcerated_Scarface]

I am a father of two boys, 5 &7. As much as I love them, looking back now I feel like I should've just stayed kidless. Why do we have kids? Because society says that's what you do after marriage? I fell into that line of thinking and feel like I'd be better off without kids. Obviously I don't have a delorean to travel back in time with and start over. I am the best dad I can be, I do all kinds of things with my boys and try to teach them everything I can along the way. I'm just saying, don't have kids unless you really really want them.

[vike daddy]

2 hours ago, Incarcerated_Scarface said:

 Why do we have kids? Because society says that's what you do after marriage?

no, we have kids because we want to spread and feel more love in the world. hopefully that's the motivation, it certainly should be.

[Woz]

23 hours ago, JaguarCrazy2832 said:

So the weird thing about my wife is she loathes making decisions about most anything so she usually defers to me. 

In the specific case of the topic of this thead (i.e. she's expecting): this is one place where she cannot defer to you. This is her body and how she wants it handled during the birthing process is her call. I realize it may be stressful for her but she at least needs to come up with a general plan for how her ideal birth would go since you will need to know what to ask for or decline.

In the general case: as you grow into your marriage, you will learn when she doesn't care and when she does but tells you she doesn't in an attempt to see if you are paying attention. Keep in mind, men generally talk on one level maybe two at most. Women seem to talk in at least three levels normally and probably go up to five. It isn't really fair, but thems the breaks. Try to keep up, or at least not sink too fast.