Relationship Advice Thread

[Karnage84]

1 hour ago, AFlaccoSeagulls said:

She goes every day since she's prepping for her 2nd bikini competition which is in like a week, but I don't think she necessarily goes at consistent times as far as I know. I have no idea whether she's even seen this guy before this incident.

It's not a great overall situation but if it's an isolated thing, then either she should a) Continue to do her regular routine and maybe this guy will never bother her again; b) Change up her time but stay at the same gym with the intent of minimizing future contact or c) Find a different gym. I don't know if a gym is just going to kick someone out for a singular isolated incident and the guy may not have even realized he was making her uncomfortable. 

In line with some other posts: I don't know if you're getting all of the details and/or if it's being overblown. Either way, this feels far more like something that she should figure out for herself and not something that you should have to sort out. While I am sorry to hear about the end of your relationship, it sounds like it actually is for the best.

The fact that you're reaching out to try and help her in the situation speaks volumes about the kind of guy that you are. 

[Karnage84]

5 hours ago, minutemancl said:

I think it is more likely this guy directs his anger at the gym for banning him than your ex-fiancee for reporting him. If he did this to her that brazenly, he's probably done it to other girls too. Is it easier to get mad at 5 girls you don't know the name of, or the front desk manager at a gym who just told you the bad news personally?

It's also quite possible this was just his meatheaded way of hitting on her in an isolated incident. 

I know that for me when I go to the gym, I am usually going around the same time and on the same days which fit into my schedule. I often see the same people most days. I would reach out to some of the other women that I would see (if I was in her shoes) regularly and ask them if they've had any interactions with the guy. If you're going to go to the gym in an attempt to get him kicked out, I don't know if they'd give him anything more than a warning on an isolated incident which sounds more aggressively complimentary. 

[naptownskinsfan]

Well guys, I thought things were going super well, but she broke up with me today.  To be honest, the whole weekend in Philadelphia was a debacle and I am not going to go much into it, but suffice to say that whatever could go wrong, did.  I said things, and she even said things and at times was baiting me for a response.  On top of that, there was a mysterious “friend” she kept trying to meet up with, and I was totally confused on who this guy was, and even knew that she was texting him when she claimed it was her girl friend.  

I just don’t understand how we go from two weeks ago, my grandmother being in the ER and her totally willing to take a sick day from work and come up to sit with me, saying she wanted to give two of my friends and evening without their kids and us watching them (and she’s a nanny, so it’s not like she doesn’t get enough of young kids) and then Thursday almost insisting on wanting to meet my mother on Thursday, to breaking up with me over “our political views being very different.”  They are, and she insisted she was trying to work through that previously, but with everything that happened on Friday, I guess she had new thoughts, and I did say some things that indicated “lukewarmness” on some of those matters, she decided that it wasn’t going to go further. 

I did say some stupid things, she attacked me on a couple issues, so it’s not like she wasn’t clear on this (and she apologized for some of that later) but it even had me staying up three hours this past night after the concert thinking if I really wanted this to continue.  She apparently identifies very heavily with politics and people needing to be in her belief circle (which is why I never met her friends) and I have never judged anyone based on their political view.  

There were one or two statements that I made that were not explained fully, but my best friend said he agreed with my assessment that it isn’t worth pursuing.  All of this thinking got a lot of the emotion out of me.  I was remarkably composed when she brought it up while driving.  I didn’t beg, I did ask some questions I might not have if this wasn’t my first relationship in a while, and I did ask if I could say goodbye to her dog.  I was never a dog or a pet person, and had a lot of anxiety with both, and interacting with her anxious dog was really helpful in fixing that for me.  I think I have more emotions about him than her at this point……..which is odd.  

Sorry for the rambling, but just wanted to provide that closure here.  Obviously, this is going to hurt.  I give my heart very easily and do not guard it, so it will be some time before I am comfortable going back out there again.  I did go for a brief run to clear my head when I got home, and am going to continue my routine which I was 95% back on, and going to get disciplined with my eating habits once again.  I’m also going to get back into playing golf and will be reaching out to some friends over the next two weeks, and looking to do some sort of upper body toning exercises at home and doing some more reading.  

[Heimdallr]

13 minutes ago, naptownskinsfan said:

to breaking up with me over “our political views being very different.”  They are, and she insisted she was trying to work through that previously, but with everything that happened on Friday, I guess she had new thoughts, and I did say some things that indicated “lukewarmness” on some of those matters, she decided that it wasn’t going to go further. 

 

TBH I think that is fair, and that is something that will never be resolved. It sucks, but in the long run you'll definitely be better off. Personally I think it is impossible for any relationship to go anywhere if you don't believe in the same fundamental values. 

Good to hear you are handling the breakup productively though! Put the emotions and free time to good use.

 

[naptownskinsfan]

[removed]

-Drop the political discussion

[vike daddy]

yeah, you guys should drop the political discussion, and you both know it.

that being said, sorry that politics got in the way of a growing relationship but I would say that now that it has, you can clearly see the two of you are not meant for each other long term. regardless if you think she treated you unfairly on this matter or not, you two just aren't compatible enough to make it work. and i would say it's not just a political divide that creates the incompatibility.

if you have to try really hard to make it work, then it's too fragile to sustain itself. see that this recent experience has given you that first hand knowledge and see the whole experience as a positive because of it.

you'll do fine, just don't force the issue, just let it happen out of its own force and attraction.

[MikeT14]

I think you'll have a new appreciation and confidence moving forward @naptownskinsfan, and that will be helpful. You'll be ahead of the curve, and it's probably not far away. Head up!

[naptownskinsfan]

5 hours ago, vike daddy said:

yeah, you guys should drop the political discussion, and you both know it.

that being said, sorry that politics got in the way of a growing relationship but I would say that now that it has, you can clearly see the two of you are not meant for each other long term. regardless if you think she treated you unfairly on this matter or not, you two just aren't compatible enough to make it work. and i would say it's not just a political divide that creates the incompatibility.

if you have to try really hard to make it work, then it's too fragile to sustain itself. see that this recent experience has given you that first hand knowledge and see the whole experience as a positive because of it.

you'll do fine, just don't force the issue, just let it happen out of its own force and attraction.

I didn’t bring it up, it was her that did it.  Apparently it was important for her, despite it never, ever being mentioned as a dealbreaker.  I know her politics were important, and she knew church was important for me, and we were both fine with that and knew it would likely be something that we did without the other.  We never even tried to talk through it, despite on Thursday her wanting to meet my mother and us making plans for it.  I guess she thought that it wouldn’t do any good, or that she already made up her mind, or this crazy story about a “friend” she was texting and none of it adding up.  

Either way, you are right.  It’s enough closure that this was the way it happened.  It sucks, but the things that aren’t adding up would have really tripped me up in the past.  I’m still thinking a bit about them, but it doesn’t hurt me quite like what it used to.  

[twslhs20]

politics, religion, money, and children, seem to be the main pillars for new relationships. If you don't have common ground on those, the relationship is doomed from the start. And, even if you are, things can still get messy.

[vike daddy]

3 hours ago, naptownskinsfan said:

I didn’t bring it up, it was her that did it.    

lol, i meant you and @Heimdallr are the "you guys" that shouldn't be discussing politics on FF.

[minutemancl]

What a lot of times is referred to as 'politics' are actually strong moral beliefs. Not sharing those is definitely a sign that a relationship won't last. There have been multiple articles published recently that women who hold predominately popular political views, now more than ever, refuse to date men who do not share those views. It's a new world!

[minutemancl]

15 hours ago, vike daddy said:

lol, i meant you and @Heimdallr are the "you guys" that shouldn't be discussing politics on FF.

lmao. "I'd love to talk to you about politics over dinner, but my football forum explicitly forbids it".

[ramssuperbowl99]

34 minutes ago, minutemancl said:

What a lot of times is referred to as 'politics' are actually strong moral beliefs. Not sharing those is definitely a sign that a relationship won't last. There have been multiple articles published recently that women who hold predominately popular political views, now more than ever, refuse to date men who do not share those views. It's a new world!

Yeah it's political ethics more than pure politics.

Also not just women, I keep a tag on any dating profile to screen for this. The exact issue doesn't really matter, but something like #BLM or John 3:16 is only one line and will give someone enough to have a decent idea on where you stand broadly, without making yourself on of those people who is only a walking cause.

[minutemancl]

14 minutes ago, ramssuperbowl99 said:

Yeah it's political ethics more than pure politics.

Also not just women, I keep a tag on any dating profile to screen for this. The exact issue doesn't really matter, but something like #BLM or John 3:16 is only one line and will give someone enough to have a decent idea on where you stand broadly, without making yourself on of those people who is only a walking cause.

It definitely goes both ways. The article was kind of a response to the cries online from certain groups of men about "why won't women date me?".

[ramssuperbowl99]

36 minutes ago, minutemancl said:

It definitely goes both ways. The article was kind of a response to the cries online from certain groups of men about "why won't women date me?".

Yeah those incel pieces are always good for a laugh.

Really though I don't do it as a gotcha to anyone. It's better for both parties if we're just up front about it enough to get a sense of whether we're wasting each other's time or not. Same with kids. There's no reasonable compromise, let's just get that stuff out of the way.