Relationship Advice Thread

[MWil23]

1 minute ago, ramssuperbowl99 said:

Nope - you're 100% correct.

It's kind of a chicken or the egg thing. We're both trying to figure out if the other person is decent and compatible, I'm working backwards starting with how the beliefs are applied, you're starting at the belief and moving forward. Either approach works.

My best buddy “Downtown” from HS (Dude is a Jack Parkman from Major League II clone hit 10 bombs our senior year) married a devout RC girl and he’s relatively indifferent to religion, but then they had 4 kids in just under 4 years… 😂 

[Kiltman]

41 minutes ago, MWil23 said:

10-15 years ago people called me small minded for being up front since before date 1 to tell a girl that I wouldn’t date a non Christian since my faith is the most important thing in my life. I’ve banged the drum for the opposite and I’m right. Why string along both of our emotions? Why have parenting conflicts? Political/ethical issues? I’ve argued that being up front and honest in those situations shows that you genuinely care about someone else, and that’s been from date 1. If someone thinks that’s coming on strong, perhaps so, but it shows me that philosophically they don’t share the same “serious” philosophy of dating that I did/most here are at now.

Any complete non-starters it obviously makes sense.

However i think it's worth considering sometimes 
A) Do I need my partner to match? Or can I just respect each other's stance and not need that level of control of the partnership?
B) Is this a belief that truly can never change? Can it's importance never shift?

It can be a double edged sword and kinda depends what the thing is.
I've had dates where people have done that in the past and it seems rather silly to need that level of control over who your partner is, moreso the more boxes there are. Perhaps it's a value of self thing, but my list was always small. Be a good person to people, respect who I am as I'll do the same, and don't actively be doing something that is adding something I think is a net negative into the world. It helped me grow and helped me see even clearer what was actually important to me.

Like my own opinions on things have shifted as I've grown up, had I locked myself into what 19-20 year old me valued I'd probably have a hard time with someone who was the same still as that and wasn't flexible.

I think you probably need to be in the same hemisphere for it to really work. But being the exact same seems tough and honestly a bit boring to me. It's a very safe thing to do, we aren't here all that long so I get it. But don't personally see it as a far better way to go. Being closed-minded (generally speaking not at you) often is a bigger turn off than other things to me. I'd meet people and they were so sure that they were right that they could never even entertain the notion that they weren't or there was alternate ways to go & think about something.

[minutemancl]

1 hour ago, MWil23 said:

We have had the kids conversation before here, but I can’t emphasize enough that any couple should talk about this in the early-ish stages of dating (assuming you’re on the same page about looking for something serious).

Talk about them and approximate how many you want. My wife wanted 4 and I wanted 2-4, and told her up front that any more than 2 would be evaluated on a dynamic case by case basis or a hard no. I was “properly whelmed” after 2 and compromised with #3 (and thankful I did), but I straight up told her 3 was it unless God intervened with twins and if she wanted a third, quote “We are starting to try NOW.” 9 months later she came along and I made a vasectomy appointment when she was 3 days old.

My wife loved and respected me enough to be good with three, because honestly I’m a great husband and father with 3. With more than that I feel as though it would be a daily challenge.

If anyone stays vague about kids, RUN, whether that’s having or not having them. Those of you in puppy love think you’re the only ones who have ever felt that way (you’re not) and “that person will be enough” if deep down you want kids. He or she won’t be. 

I would also throw the caveat of “life happens” in there. Some kids have unique and special circumstances and needs that may change “the number” (more or less), so be honest with your spouse as these feelings arise. After a few weeks of grinding as a parent caring for kids who have been needy, sick, and young, my wife made me play golf twice last week, and let me tell you, she was right. It did the soul good. Picture that but on a “forever” level if you can’t handle another kid. 

My wife and I are basically the same, as far as # of kids go. Our first will be here in 2 months. She's always maintained that she wanted 3-4, while I want 2-3, leaning moreso towards 2. My big thing is that I wanted to see how she'd fare through pregnancy. I'd heard some horror stories of women getting really bad medical problems and complications during pregnancy, some of which never go away, and other cases where during pregnancy, hormones rage uncontrollably and she is impossible to be around for 9 months. We've been good so far. First trimester was brutal- morning sickness every day. Second trimester was no problem. Now it is getting a bit difficult physically. She's got bad sciatic nerve pain and it is just harder for her to move around. Overall though, pretty good. As long as there are no complications during and immediately post birth, I'd be open to more than 2.

After our wedding, we made a pros cons list about starting trying to have a kid. We both knew we wanted them, the only remaining question was when. We couldn't really find any negatives, so we went for it and here we are about 8 months later.

[beekay414]

lol reading the last few pages takes me back. I dated a girl in college that I would've married had life not been what it was at the time (she had opportunities that she had to take and it meant the end for us and I agreed). We were entirely opposite both politically and religiously, yet we were perfect for each other due to our obsession with sports. We never even talked about religion or politics and our most heated argument we ever had was about steroids in baseball (Barry Bonds is a god to me and she loathed him).

She grew up in money and the church, I grew up poor and sleeping in on Sundays. That didn't even remotely matter to either of us but it was also a different time in the world and I can understand why that would matter now. I'm an open book and I'm willing to make concessions since I don't believe that I know everything or that my way of life is best (shocker, I know). What works for me likely doesn't work for a vast majority of people so I don't feel like I should stand so staunchly behind my belief system that I can't be open to another's way of life. I dunno, I just feel like it's entirely too shortsighted or narrowminded to stand staunchly on beliefs. I don't feel you get anywhere in life as a person surrounding yourself solely with people who share your beliefs or values. I get it, since it's easier than the opposite, but I can't find a way to automatically close myself off to someone just because they aren't like me.

I mean, some of you guys know my family and what I deal with (I've talked about them in the Covid threads the last few years), so you know that I'm a very easygoing person and find myself able to deal with all types of people. Part of that is what I feel about myself and part of that is having a very high tolerance for bull**** in my real life. I can understand that I'm a very unique person in this regard so I get that not everyone can manage this way. 

[naptownskinsfan]

51 minutes ago, Kiltman said:

Any complete non-starters it obviously makes sense.

However i think it's worth considering sometimes 
A) Do I need my partner to match? Or can I just respect each other's stance and not need that level of control of the partnership?
B) Is this a belief that truly can never change? Can it's importance never shift?

It can be a double edged sword and kinda depends what the thing is.
I've had dates where people have done that in the past and it seems rather silly to need that level of control over who your partner is, moreso the more boxes there are. Perhaps it's a value of self thing, but my list was always small. Be a good person to people, respect who I am as I'll do the same, and don't actively be doing something that is adding something I think is a net negative into the world. It helped me grow and helped me see even clearer what was actually important to me.

Like my own opinions on things have shifted as I've grown up, had I locked myself into what 19-20 year old me valued I'd probably have a hard time with someone who was the same still as that and wasn't flexible.

I think you probably need to be in the same hemisphere for it to really work. But being the exact same seems tough and honestly a bit boring to me. It's a very safe thing to do, we aren't here all that long so I get it. But don't personally see it as a far better way to go. Being closed-minded (generally speaking not at you) often is a bigger turn off than other things to me. I'd meet people and they were so sure that they were right that they could never even entertain the notion that they weren't or there was alternate ways to go & think about something.

That’s what caused the breakup I had on Sunday, if the reason she told me was true.  I have already thought back to some thing I didn’t do, but ultimately, I was raised to look past those political views and stances, and I can respect what someone else is doing even if it isn’t something I would be doing.  I’ve also grown in my own beliefs over the past 15 years being out in the world.  

My two best friends are completely opposed to me politically, but we still get along great.  My politics are also extremely complicated, so it’s not like I can really screen one way or another.  I guess I had rosy expectations of this, considering it was my first real relationship after a two year transformation period.  And, she did try to make it work.  

Given how I know I can interact with people differently than me, and actually like doing so, I am confident in walking away with the closure that I received.  

[Bowler1215]

I messed up an opportunity.  I was at the store paying for my things.  The cashier(she was a cutie) walked up to me, her hand just above mine giving me my change.  I said, 'Thanks, have a good day' and left.  I practically had a number and a date right there and I blew it. 

I think part is my mindset.  I never really known for girls to like me, be interested in me.  When I was in school, every time a girl said she liked me, she was full of crap.  Whenever a girl did show interest in me, I immediately question it, like I'm telling myself 'what's the punchline?'  Seems like me finding a date is the same odds of winning the powerball.  I need to change that mindset but it feels impossible. 

[TLO]

3 hours ago, Bowler1215 said:

I messed up an opportunity.  I was at the store paying for my things.  The cashier(she was a cutie) walked up to me, her hand just above mine giving me my change.  I said, 'Thanks, have a good day' and left.  I practically had a number and a date right there and I blew it. 

So she was doing her job?

[naptownskinsfan]

Thats always been a hard one for me, especially when I was on the other end of that equation.  Some retailers will train their employees to connect with the customer during a transaction.  

Only you can judge the level of connection, obviously, but I’ve always found that tough when someone is doing their job and on the clock.  It’s different if you are both shopping there and you connect over something.  

[minutemancl]

9 hours ago, TLO said:

So she was doing her job?

Sounds like it.

For the sake of your own ego and for the sake of women in customer-facing jobs everywhere (bartenders, waitresses, retail workers, etc), it is best not to hit on/ask out women who are actively performing a job where they are paid to be nice to you. Obviously there are exceptions and it can work out, but in most cases, it just puts them in an incredibly awkward situation. There are better places and situations to meet chicks.

[minutemancl]

13 hours ago, Bowler1215 said:

I messed up an opportunity.  I was at the store paying for my things.  The cashier(she was a cutie) walked up to me, her hand just above mine giving me my change.  I said, 'Thanks, have a good day' and left.  I practically had a number and a date right there and I blew it. 

I think part is my mindset.  I never really known for girls to like me, be interested in me.  When I was in school, every time a girl said she liked me, she was full of crap.  Whenever a girl did show interest in me, I immediately question it, like I'm telling myself 'what's the punchline?'  Seems like me finding a date is the same odds of winning the powerball.  I need to change that mindset but it feels impossible. 

You've gotta work on yourself brother. Gain some self-confidence by working out, taking up hobbies, and up your self care routine. Maybe even get some therapy. All of that is good stuff that will make you feel better about yourself, physically and mentally. You can't offer a potential significant other anything if you feel like you've got nothing to offer. Everyone's got something to offer, you just need to be confident in knowing what it is you've got.

[Bowler1215]

9 hours ago, minutemancl said:

Sounds like it.

For the sake of your own ego and for the sake of women in customer-facing jobs everywhere (bartenders, waitresses, retail workers, etc), it is best not to hit on/ask out women who are actively performing a job where they are paid to be nice to you. Obviously there are exceptions and it can work out, but in most cases, it just puts them in an incredibly awkward situation. There are better places and situations to meet chicks.

While that is true, this girl approached me and (seemingly) showed interest in me.  Maybe I could have gotten her number and a date, or maybe she's like that to guys who are by themselves?  If I had talked to her for a minute I'd know.  You never know where or when you'd meet someone.   

[Bowler1215]

9 hours ago, minutemancl said:

You've gotta work on yourself brother. Gain some self-confidence by working out, taking up hobbies, and up your self care routine. Maybe even get some therapy. All of that is good stuff that will make you feel better about yourself, physically and mentally. You can't offer a potential significant other anything if you feel like you've got nothing to offer. Everyone's got something to offer, you just need to be confident in knowing what it is you've got.

I'm in therapy.  I'm about to star bowling again after a couple years due to the pandemic.  I need to workout more(I have a couple things at home)  The last couple years I've been doing movie reviews for my family, something fun to do during the pandemic.  I need to do those things more.   

[Daniel]

14 hours ago, Bowler1215 said:

While that is true, this girl approached me and (seemingly) showed interest in me.  Maybe I could have gotten her number and a date, or maybe she's like that to guys who are by themselves?  If I had talked to her for a minute I'd know.  You never know where or when you'd meet someone.   

I have to agree with minuteman here. You just don’t ask out someone at work, unless it’s really, really, really obvious that they want you to. And even then, probably not.

My wife has told me that if I had met her at her job (she was a waitress when we started dating) and asked her out, she would have turned me down, because it’s just not something that women working typically want.

So don’t beat yourself up, you did the correct thing.

[MWil23]

2 hours ago, Daniel said:

I have to agree with minuteman here. You just don’t ask out someone at work, unless it’s really, really, really obvious that they want you to. And even then, probably not.

My wife has told me that if I had met her at her job (she was a waitress when we started dating) and asked her out, she would have turned me down, because it’s just not something that women working typically want.

So don’t beat yourself up, you did the correct thing.

Places I’d personally never have approached a woman/made the first move:

Work 

The Gym

Typically anyone in the service industry on the clock. If they’re interested in more they’ll let you know. I’ve seen it happen. They won’t let it be subtle.

[TOUCAN]

Has anyone experienced anything with their SO where it feels like nothing brings them joy anymore?