What are you thinking about?

[MWil23]

9 minutes ago, FinneasGage said:

appreciate you both. that's kind of where i'm at with it. there's no hate. if i see him out, i'd probably just dap him up and keep it moving. i'm like annoyed i'm in the situation where i have to choose between standing on what i believe is the principles you need to expect outta all your homies or losing the homie who i have the best time with and has the same kind of taste in stuff as me (which i don't find a lot/hardly ever). and is a guy i do have a lotta love for and always will

For me, I can say with certainty that while shared interests are great, values and actions are much more important to me.

My best friend hugs, cries, and writes poetry, tells me he loves me. Yeah he also loves sports. But, he challenges me when I mess up, he helps me parent my kids, he was there for me at my dads funeral when his wife was 9 months pregnant 2 states away (she gave birth 11 days later). At that point, why do sports, gardening, and smoking meat while wearing a flannel and jeans and being Midwest nice matter? (It doesn’t).

[FinneasGage]

Just now, MWil23 said:

For me, I can say with certainty that while shared interests are great, values and actions are much more important to me.

My best friend hugs, cries, and writes poetry, tells me he loves me. Yeah he also loves sports. But, he challenges me when I mess up, he helps me parent my kids, he was there for me at my dads funeral when his wife was 9 months pregnant 2 states away (she gave birth 11 days later). At that point, why do sports, gardening, and smoking meat while wearing a flannel and jeans and being Midwest nice matter? (It doesn’t).

yeah i agree man. i've never had to break up with an actual super-close friend, so it's been a tough one to navigate for me. feel like i'm good judge of character (i'm sure everyone believes that), so was just so caught off guard. all my other homies were great and some people that were more low-key friends who surprised me with their level of love when i was going thru that i've made sure to really let know how much i appreciate them and wanna nurture those ones more. 

[ramssuperbowl99]

21 minutes ago, MWil23 said:

Absolutely 

I don’t want to pretend to know what you’ve gone through, but I can say with confidence that my mom and I are not close stemming from a remarriage and how she handled that. They met, talked, went on a date, and basically decided to get married within a month. I had a series of very uncomfortable conversations with her and said my piece. I love her, she loves me, we get along great with her husband, we just aren’t close anymore.

In hindsight, my only regret is that I didn’t say much for the first month. Yes I was caught off guard and trying to process a lot…and yes I wish I would have at least straight up said some blunt things, hopefully in love, explaining the fallout and finality.

The way she handled that situation, the most serious one of our lives, and her telling me “I am a parent, you are a kid” (I was 31) and then getting remarried and basically after that, you cant say anything because what’s done is done, means you can’t really return to the way things used to be. But, I still have regrets I didn’t say more and get closure before that chain of events from that conversation onward.

That type of failure as a parent to recognize the relationship with an adult-child and child-child will be fundamentally different is infuriating. How can someone simultaneously say all of the loving, parent "I'm so proud of who you grew up to be" stuff and not recognize that treating a married 30 year old with kids like a child invalidates that.

 

My sensitivity to this stems from effectively a series of very important "firsts" where my needs were thrown back in my face. Whether that's in childhood with an emotionally unavailable father, or my first serious girlfriend who supported me in the moment only to throw my dad issues back in my face after I got vulnerable about it, to the general lack of support I found in my friend group when I was grappling with my initial alcoholism. As a kid, I coped with this poorly, blamed myself, and developed a core belief of worthlessness as a result. As an adult, I can more accurately recognize how and why my support system failed me.

As @FinneasGage said, it's not hate (on my good days). It's a mixture of sadness and pity really.  Finneas' friend is probably going to feel guilty about their friendship ending for a long time after he's moved on.
 

Edited May 23 by ramssuperbowl99

[naptownskinsfan]

I had a co-worker who I had really fallen for in 2013.  I spent most of the year going back and forth with her, as she had a boyfriend who really didn’t treat her well.  When it wasn’t great with her, she would be all over me.  I went no contact a few times.  

I had to go into a building one day where I don’t have positive memories.  I was assigned a child psychologist by the courts during the divorce that my mother and father were going through.  They had some blow up fights there, and I had my own appointments with and without them.  The building still smelled the same, and looked the same.  

She had no time for me at that point.  So I went no contact again, and only interrupted it to tell her that I had a big emotional trauma resurface for me that she wasn’t there for, and that I was no longer going to attempt to be her friend or anything more, and that was it.  I only dealt with her for work things until she left about 8 months later, and never heard from her since.  

I completely understand not wanting someone in your life that wasn’t there during a time of need.  

[MWil23]

24 minutes ago, ramssuperbowl99 said:

That type of failure as a parent to recognize the relationship with an adult-child and child-child will be fundamentally different is infuriating. How can someone simultaneously say all of the loving, parent "I'm so proud of who you grew up to be" stuff and not recognize that treating a married 30 year old with kids like a child invalidates that.

And I think it spoke to a different level, even so much as a philosophy of being a parent/grandparent and almost as though her job was done once we were out on our own to a degree. There’s a lot to unpack here that I could go on and on about.

24 minutes ago, ramssuperbowl99 said:

My sensitivity to this stems from effectively a series of very important "firsts" where my needs were thrown back in my face. Whether that's in childhood with an emotionally unavailable father, or my first serious girlfriend who supported me in the moment only to throw my dad issues back in my face after I got vulnerable about it, to the general lack of support I found in my friend group when I was grappling with my initial alcoholism. As a kid, I coped with this poorly, blamed myself, and developed a core belief of worthlessness as a result. As an adult, I can more accurately recognize how and why my support system failed me.

As @FinneasGage said, it's not hate (on my good days). It's a mixture of sadness and pity really.  Finneas' friend is probably going to feel guilty about their friendship ending for a long time after he's moved on.
 

I wish I knew what to say here, except that I’m really sorry you went through this and still almost certainly grapple with it daily.

There is absolutely a constant mourning process about what I lost with my mom coupled with my reprocessing the loss of my dad, because the number of times my wife or I have said “It’s just hard because if dad was here, this wouldn’t…” is crazy.

I and my siblings for the most part have more or less decided to accept the relationship as it is and make pointless small talk most of the time as opposed to unraveling the layers and going back 6-7 years in the past, but it comes at a price.

[ramssuperbowl99]

6 minutes ago, MWil23 said:

And I think it spoke to a different level, even so much as a philosophy of being a parent/grandparent and almost as though her job was done once we were out on our own to a degree. There’s a lot to unpack here that I could go on and on about.

There is absolutely a constant mourning process about what I lost with my mom coupled with my reprocessing the loss of my dad, because the number of times my wife or I have said “It’s just hard because if dad was here, this wouldn’t…” is crazy.

I and my siblings for the most part have more or less decided to accept the relationship as it is and make pointless small talk most of the time as opposed to unraveling the layers and going back 6-7 years in the past, but it comes at a price.

Yeah the more you think about that, the more you realize how much is fundamentally missing and how problematic the underlying views are. No child should think their parents are doing a "job" by raising them.

And I can't agree more that it comes with a price. My brother maintains a surface relationship with my parents, mostly for money, and the amount of emotional sacrifice just isn't worth it to me.

12 minutes ago, MWil23 said:

I wish I knew what to say here, except that I’m really sorry you went through this and still almost certainly grapple with it daily.

I appreciate it man, and like I said I have my good and bad days, but it's a lot more good than bad and is trending in the right direction. Therapy has helped immeasurably, specifically the Internal Family Systems model. I tried CBT for years, and never made progress because I was rationalizing emotions rather than feeling and accepting them. When the core problem is worthlessness, rationalizing things away compounds the problem.

If anyone relates to that, and I think a lot of Millennial guys do because Boomers collectively raised us to be their little trophies rather than equal humans, I cannot recommend IFS enough.

[MWil23]

22 minutes ago, ramssuperbowl99 said:

Yeah the more you think about that, the more you realize how much is fundamentally missing and how problematic the underlying views are. No child should think their parents are doing a "job" by raising them.

And I can't agree more that it comes with a price. My brother maintains a surface relationship with my parents, mostly for money, and the amount of emotional sacrifice just isn't worth it to me.

I appreciate it man, and like I said I have my good and bad days, but it's a lot more good than bad and is trending in the right direction. Therapy has helped immeasurably, specifically the Internal Family Systems model. I tried CBT for years, and never made progress because I was rationalizing emotions rather than feeling and accepting them. When the core problem is worthlessness, rationalizing things away compounds the problem.

If anyone relates to that, and I think a lot of Millennial guys do because Boomers collectively raised us to be their little trophies rather than equal humans, I cannot recommend IFS enough.

I can’t necessarily speak to any of that, but my wife was and is/has been an absolute rock for me, she’s amazing.

And I think it’s tough to unpack something that I have never experienced. My father was absolutely not perfect, but man, he was amazing. My mom was/is also great too, and to be fair to her, her dad bailed on her/her mom/her brother when she was 9 and left for a woman 25+ years younger, left them in abject poverty while making big money (medical field), her brother died her senior year of HS, my dad’s parents died when I was 9 in a tragedy, and my dad’s dad was like the dad she never had, my dad died in front of her from a heart attack, so she’s been through a lot and probably has her own trauma she’s afraid to address in a lot of ways.

[TVScout]

19 hours ago, MacReady said:

I’ve thought about the Carolinas a lot. Definitely an option. Maryland far too cold for me though.

I think I just need to take a two week vacation and drive through the southeast. 

If you want to live where it never gets cold that would be So Cal or So Fla.

[ramssuperbowl99]

Please do yourself a favor and watch this. Best youtube channel going right now.

[Fresh Prince]

Spent 10 hours doing a pirate ship model on “Queen Anne’s revenge” only to find out it’s actually “the black pearl” smh

[Blackstar12]

This election is going to be a clown show lol.

[Danger]

21 minutes ago, Blackstar12 said:

This election is going to be a clown show lol.

Friendly precautionary reminder for everyone that this forum isn't a place for discussing politics.

[naptownskinsfan]

14 hours ago, Danger said:

Friendly precautionary reminder for everyone that this forum isn't a place for discussing politics.

Thank you for beating me to this.  

[Sugashane]

Had the first doctor appointment where the doctor I actually hated.

He asked what was going on, I pointed out I've had a lot of pain around the palmer ligament and that it shoots down 1/3 of my forearm when I try to supinate. I still have a good grip and can press weights, pull if that wrist is neutral, and so on, but even turning the steering wheel can jolt the piss out of me. 

"Yeah, I really don't like it when patients self-diagnose," and had a really dismissive tone like he was speaking to a child.

"Good.. because I didn't. I answered your question, IDK whether its nerves, ligaments, tendons, or whatever. I gave you symptoms, that's it. You're the one who is suppose to take that to figure out what tests need to be done to diagnose and treat it."

After a short verbal spar he gave me an order for PT and to come back in 4 weeks and rushed out. We'd talk about imaging after the PT was done.

Went to the desk and scheduled my 4 week follow up, but told the girls I'd see anyone but that "insufferable prick" again. Judging by the smile and one just nodding her head, they hate him too. 

 

[adamq]

53 minutes ago, Sugashane said:

Had the first doctor appointment where the doctor I actually hated.

He asked what was going on, I pointed out I've had a lot of pain around the palmer ligament and that it shoots down 1/3 of my forearm when I try to supinate. I still have a good grip and can press weights, pull if that wrist is neutral, and so on, but even turning the steering wheel can jolt the piss out of me. 

"Yeah, I really don't like it when patients self-diagnose," and had a really dismissive tone like he was speaking to a child.

"Good.. because I didn't. I answered your question, IDK whether its nerves, ligaments, tendons, or whatever. I gave you symptoms, that's it. You're the one who is suppose to take that to figure out what tests need to be done to diagnose and treat it."

After a short verbal spar he gave me an order for PT and to come back in 4 weeks and rushed out. We'd talk about imaging after the PT was done.

Went to the desk and scheduled my 4 week follow up, but told the girls I'd see anyone but that "insufferable prick" again. Judging by the smile and one just nodding her head, they hate him too. 

 

Sounds just like the only sports medicine doctor we have in our county. After one visit with him I started making appointments with a center about 45 minutes down the road