Relationship Advice Thread

[LETSGOBROWNIES]

4 minutes ago, 49ersfan said:

Had a decent date last week with this girl i met off Tinder. Nothing overly special, but i was willing to give it a 2nd try. So i texted her and asked her out again to go to a museum and she said sure, she'd like to try it out. I texted her again with some more details of the potential meeting, but not planning an actual day yet because i am booked the next 2 weeks (plans with friends, vacation, holiday party, etc). She replies a day later, claims its because she's having issues with a friend, and only responds to some random details, not anything about meeting up. Then she says "have a good day at work", which my gut instinct was that it was her nice way of brushing me off. 

So it feels like she brushed me off, but she did confirm plans to meet up just yesterday? Am i overthinking things?

Hard to say, but no point in wondering, just ask her.

Things get lost in text, it happens.  If a chick thinks you seem desperate for clarifying something, who cares? She ain't the one.  

If she's brushing you off, you'll know and that'll be that.

Of course she could be excited to go out again and that would be cool too, right?

[Malfatron]

4 hours ago, LETSGOBROWNIES said:

So i texted her and asked her out again to go to a museum and she said sure, she'd like to try it out. I texted her again with some more details of the potential meeting, but not planning an actual day yet because i am booked the next 2 weeks (plans with friends, vacation, holiday party, etc). She replies a day later, claims its because she's having issues with a friend, and only responds to some random details, not anything about meeting up. Then she says "have a good day at work", which my gut instinct was that it was her nice way of brushing me off. 

because you already asked her if she wanted to go to a museum sometime and she said yes. does she need to say yes again over some more vague details?

[LETSGOBROWNIES]

5 hours ago, MathMan said:

because you already asked her if she wanted to go to a museum sometime and she said yes. does she need to say yes again over some more vague details?

If she didn't confirm the details and he's not sure, yeah.

I mean, either he knows what the plan is or he doesn't, no?  If he doesn't, ask.  

Not a crazy stance iyam.

[49ersfan]

On 2017-12-04 at 7:26 PM, 49ersfan said:

Had a decent date last week with this girl i met off Tinder. Nothing overly special, but i was willing to give it a 2nd try. So i texted her and asked her out again to go to a museum and she said sure, she'd like to try it out. I texted her again with some more details of the potential meeting, but not planning an actual day yet because i am booked the next 2 weeks (plans with friends, vacation, holiday party, etc). She replies a day later, claims its because she's having issues with a friend, and only responds to some random details, not anything about meeting up. Then she says "have a good day at work", which my gut instinct was that it was her nice way of brushing me off. 

So it feels like she brushed me off, but she did confirm plans to meet up just yesterday? Am i overthinking things?

Update to this. I asked her for a specific day 2 weeks from now (future plans + vacation mean I’m booked solid until then) and she gave me a tentative yes, saying shes committed to a couple of holiday things and the dates aren’t fina so she doesn’t want to say yes 100%. So now shes said yes to meeting twice. 

However, I sent her a text yesterday morning at 9 am, and I haven’t received a response yet? Before she would respond within an hour.

Idk. Just feels weird that she’s said yes to meeting two separate times, 2 days apart, but her texting is so infrequent compared to earlier.

Edited December 7, 2017 by 49ersfan

[cddolphin]

40 minutes ago, 49ersfan said:

Just feels weird that she’s said yes to meeting two separate times, 2 days apart, but her texting is so infrequent compared to earlier.

Yo, she can't be bothered to maintain communication when you guys aren't even going to see each other for a couple weeks. 9am texts? Depending on her age and attitude that may be more annoying than sweet. Just an idea, you obviously know her better.

I'd slow down on chatting with her until you guys are actually in person again. My $0.02

[Jetfan66]

4 hours ago, cddolphin said:

Yo, she can't be bothered to maintain communication when you guys aren't even going to see each other for a couple weeks. 9am texts? Depending on her age and attitude that may be more annoying than sweet. Just an idea, you obviously know her better.

I'd slow down on chatting with her until you guys are actually in person again. My $0.02

I view this from the other side. If she really does want to hang out (even if its 2 weeks from now) then it makes sense to keep communication up between now and then. It would be weird to meet 2 weeks later if you haven't talked much in a while. Also, doesn't matter if you text at 9am IMO. As adults, people operate on different schedules. I was talking to a nurse who worked nights for a while. Our timing was completely off.

I would probably just cool off on talking to her and put the ball in her court. If she was interested, she would reach out.

Also, museum date is very underrated. Kudos.

Edited December 7, 2017 by Jetfan66

[LETSGOBROWNIES]

Maybe I'm just an old guy who doesn't understand 20 years or whatever, but if someone wants to get together they make plans and they also respond to texts.

If it were me I'd prolly slow my roll with this chick and let her make the next move.  If she responds to the text and seems interested, proceed.  If not, keep it moving to the next young lady.

[MeloTuloMarsh]

Hey guys. So I've been dating my girlfriend for about a year and a half now, we have our ups and downs like any relationship, but something that's been bothering me lately is how her mother treats me. I don't come from the wealthiest of families, but pretty much middle class. Her family, however, is decently wealthy, and her mom especially really pushes that image. It's becoming obvious to me that she looks down on me for not fitting into that.

For example, Im graduating from college in a week and a half, and getting my own place without roommates. I don't have any surplus of cash, since I start work in a few weeks, and I've been a broke college kid. I've gotta really stretch my money furnish my new place. We were just having breakfast, so I mentioned that I've been stockpiling some stuff from Craigslist. I said that I need to look for a nice rug on Craigslist too. She rolled her eyes, and said "you don't want a used rug." I can understand where some people would have a hesitancy towards buying something like that used, but I just said "well what's the difference between a used rug and the carpet in a used car?" And all she could offer is "well we don't buy used cars." Meanwhile I'm driving a 20 year old chevy blazer I picked up for a thousand bucks....

In another instance, I showed her some art work my mother had done that I was really quite fond of(she's an artist/high school art teacher, and sells a lot of her work in really nice galleries and the like). My gf's mom saw it and just shook her head, and made a disgusted face, and said "i don't like it."

All of these little quips are really starting to get under my skin. My girlfriend herself would never be like that towards me, and I know I can't penalize her for the things her mom says, but I'm still very proud of everything my family and I have worked for. I also know that family always comes first, especially for my girlfriend, so I feel like standing up for myself would do little good. So I'm just left feeling below them. I know if her mom had it her way, she'd be dating some wealthy frat boy or something. It's just a self esteem killer, and I don't know how to reconcile these feelings. I can tell I'm starting to just grow bitter, and that definitely isn't doing any good. 

I guess part of it too is that my parents were pretty damn good parents. Me and all my siblings are doing quite well, are mature, independent and responsible young adults. We've all graduated from college, and I'd say are on pretty good life trajectories. Meanwhile my girlfriend is honestly quite spoiled, has never had a job, and struggles mightily with self esteem issues, which I think is due to her moms constant negativity and criticism. 

So what do you guys think? Are there any steps I can make to make this relationship dynamic any healthier? Or am I best off just limiting our interactions? Or am I just totally off base and looking for reasons to feel slighted?

 

Thanks for your time and I apologize for the length...

[LETSGOBROWNIES]

My advice? Stop letting other people's ignorant opinions define you.

The mother sounds like a horse's arse, the world is full of them. Do what you do and don't hold the mother's nonsense against her daughter.

[Jetfan66]

On 12/10/2017 at 4:01 PM, LETSGOBROWNIES said:

My advice? Stop letting other people's ignorant opinions define you.

The mother sounds like a horse's arse, the world is full of them. Do what you do and don't hold the mother's nonsense against her daughter.

This. You can also mention the comments to your girlfriend. Maybe she can talk to her mother about her comments.

[vike daddy]

On 12/10/2017 at 12:44 PM, MeloTuloMarsh said:

All of these little quips are really starting to get under my skin. My girlfriend herself would never be like that towards me, and I know I can't penalize her for the things her mom says, but I'm still very proud of everything my family and I have worked for. I also know that family always comes first, especially for my girlfriend, so I feel like standing up for myself would do little good. So I'm just left feeling below them. I know if her mom had it her way, she'd be dating some wealthy frat boy or something. It's just a self esteem killer, and I don't know how to reconcile these feelings. I can tell I'm starting to just grow bitter, and that definitely isn't doing any good. 

I guess part of it too is that my parents were pretty damn good parents. Me and all my siblings are doing quite well, are mature, independent and responsible young adults. We've all graduated from college, and I'd say are on pretty good life trajectories. Meanwhile my girlfriend is honestly quite spoiled, has never had a job, and struggles mightily with self esteem issues, which I think is due to her moms constant negativity and criticism. 

So what do you guys think? Are there any steps I can make to make this relationship dynamic any healthier? Or am I best off just limiting our interactions? Or am I just totally off base and looking for reasons to feel slighted?

you're not off base at all, and seeing that you and your siblings have turned out well it means you definitely are on the right track.

this is a lot easier for me to say than for you to internalize and practice, but you'll have to let go some day of needing the gf's mom's approval. because it's never coming and there is certainly nothing you can SAY to her that will change her mind. so don't waste effort on something that won't produce results. instead, just go on living your life the way you feel is correct, and treat the gf with the respect she deserves and what you have been well trained to give. maybe the 'ol bat will eventually notice that while you weren't born with a silver spoon in your mouth, you are actually a pretty decent guy and her daughter is fortunate to have you. mom might figure it out on her own by the behavior you model, or she might not. that's her challenge in life, not yours.

as to it affecting your self esteem... don't let it. that's what she wants - to belittle you and make you second guess yourself.

[ET80]

On 12/10/2017 at 1:44 PM, MeloTuloMarsh said:

So what do you guys think? Are there any steps I can make to make this relationship dynamic any healthier? Or am I best off just limiting our interactions? Or am I just totally off base and looking for reasons to feel slighted?

 

Thanks for your time and I apologize for the length...

I've been married for close to seven years, and my mother in law still hates me in this fashion (and she ain't wealthy - far from it, actually). 

You're not going to win the approval of someone who has already made up their mind on you. You're completely justified in feeling how you feel, but you should focus your energy on her daughter, not her. Her approval is all that matters. 

[scar988]

On 12/12/2017 at 6:12 AM, EliteTexan80 said:

I've been married for close to seven years, and my mother in law still hates me in this fashion (and she ain't wealthy - far from it, actually). 

You're not going to win the approval of someone who has already made up their mind on you. You're completely justified in feeling how you feel, but you should focus your energy on her daughter, not her. Her approval is all that matters. 

Seeing this reminds me about how lucky I am to have the in-laws that I do have.

[riceman80]

On 12/10/2017 at 12:44 PM, MeloTuloMarsh said:

Hey guys. So I've been dating my girlfriend for about a year and a half now, we have our ups and downs like any relationship, but something that's been bothering me lately is how her mother treats me. I don't come from the wealthiest of families, but pretty much middle class. Her family, however, is decently wealthy, and her mom especially really pushes that image. It's becoming obvious to me that she looks down on me for not fitting into that.

For example, Im graduating from college in a week and a half, and getting my own place without roommates. I don't have any surplus of cash, since I start work in a few weeks, and I've been a broke college kid. I've gotta really stretch my money furnish my new place. We were just having breakfast, so I mentioned that I've been stockpiling some stuff from Craigslist. I said that I need to look for a nice rug on Craigslist too. She rolled her eyes, and said "you don't want a used rug." I can understand where some people would have a hesitancy towards buying something like that used, but I just said "well what's the difference between a used rug and the carpet in a used car?" And all she could offer is "well we don't buy used cars." Meanwhile I'm driving a 20 year old chevy blazer I picked up for a thousand bucks....

In another instance, I showed her some art work my mother had done that I was really quite fond of(she's an artist/high school art teacher, and sells a lot of her work in really nice galleries and the like). My gf's mom saw it and just shook her head, and made a disgusted face, and said "i don't like it."

All of these little quips are really starting to get under my skin. My girlfriend herself would never be like that towards me, and I know I can't penalize her for the things her mom says, but I'm still very proud of everything my family and I have worked for. I also know that family always comes first, especially for my girlfriend, so I feel like standing up for myself would do little good. So I'm just left feeling below them. I know if her mom had it her way, she'd be dating some wealthy frat boy or something. It's just a self esteem killer, and I don't know how to reconcile these feelings. I can tell I'm starting to just grow bitter, and that definitely isn't doing any good. 

I guess part of it too is that my parents were pretty damn good parents. Me and all my siblings are doing quite well, are mature, independent and responsible young adults. We've all graduated from college, and I'd say are on pretty good life trajectories. Meanwhile my girlfriend is honestly quite spoiled, has never had a job, and struggles mightily with self esteem issues, which I think is due to her moms constant negativity and criticism. 

So what do you guys think? Are there any steps I can make to make this relationship dynamic any healthier? Or am I best off just limiting our interactions? Or am I just totally off base and looking for reasons to feel slighted?

 

Thanks for your time and I apologize for the length...

I feel your pain man. Ive been with my girl for over 5 years and her grandmother is the same way to me to this day.

Best way that i handle it is to talk to my girl about it and avoid the situations if possible. Its asking for confrontation if you address her yourself, altho i do have a certain level of patience before i would eventually make my feelings on the matter known.

If i can be frank, your girl's mom sounds like a judgemental witch. My advice would be communicate your thoughts and feelings to your girl, see if anything changes with her mother, and if nothing does, limit the situations you expose yourself to involving her. Your girl is your priority, not her mother so just focus on whats best for you 2. Its her loss if she develops a negative relationship with you when youre the one making her daughter happy.

[riceman80]

Alright my engaged and married folks, ideas for how to figure out the kinda ring your girl might want and what her ring size is without giving away your intentions!?