Relationship Advice Thread

[bigbadbuff]

10 minutes ago, Gmen said:

This is not going to be a positive, go get 'em slugger, post.  Feel free to stop reading here if you're not interested in hearing my harsh opinion on this.

You don't paint yourself in a positive light with what I highlighted above, and if we heard your wife's perspective and more details, I think it would be even worse.  What you're admitting to is neglect, verbal and emotional abuse.  Your fear about her wanting a divorce suggests you're surprised, which suggests you've been blind to her emotions.  A woman doesn't wake up one day and suddenly want a divorce.  This has likely been brewing for a while, and probably predates your marriage considering you dated for 6 years (I wouldn't be surprised if there was hesitancy on her part to get married in the first place).  Some women feel trapped after dating for a long time, and fool themselves into thinking that things will get better after marriage.  And when the situation doesn't get better, they get disheartened and that's when they want a divorce. 

It's great that you're seeking counseling - it sounds like you absolutely need it.  But it's going to take more than a couple days of doing chores to repair your relationship, it's going to take a lifestyle change.  And I say that because sometimes couples will fix their issues - but only temporarily and a divorce is inevitable.  They revert to their old behavior and then wind up getting a divorce down the road anyway.  If you truly love her, you'll put in the work to make up for the lost time.  But sometimes too much damage is done.  Months or years of pent up animosity is difficult to erase.  I don't let my wife stay mad at me long, even if I feel like I'm right. 

And sometimes people just aren't compatible.  Different personalities, character flaws, emotional baggage, lead to divorce.  Sometimes the best option is to get a divorce.  I hope you work it out, but if it does end in divorce, just know that you're not alone.  It's actually quite common.  People go through it all the time and eventually move on with their lives.  Just be sure to learn from your mistakes.

I appreciate all feedback. And while i did name call, and i did say i didn’t want this out of anger during the first talk, that part hasn’t happened again since. I have name called in the past, in ways i thought were casual. It wasn’t great. Example i would say she was being ignorant to finances. Just to add to the perspective. I also, for not wanting to bash her on here, there were times she did these things as well. I remember numerous times her cussing at me and calling me a b word etc in front of my parents. There’s been these times that this has happened. I may have made it sound like this is a daily, weekly, or even monthly thing. It isn’t. It wasn’t. We were quarantined together for a couple months last year, and didn’t argue or fight once. To be honest with you i don’t even remember the last time we had any arguments outside of the last two weeks. They were so far and few between. 
 

This wasn’t a one sided thing. And I’ve done so much to try to spoil her, be thoughtful, be close with her family etc. it wasn’t all me just being a complete and utter ****. Although from that post you quoted i defiantly felt that way and felt down in the dumps like everything was my fault at that point.

99% of our relationship has been fun, great, laughs, love. But our communication has been severely lacking. Maybe i did say things more often than i realized. It got to the point where i sarcastically said she disappoints me because she didn’t picked bread off of her burger. In a completely harmless way, so i thought. Idk. Both of us have had our issues. Maybe I’ve exaggerated both ways good and bad in this thread the last couple of weeks to match my emotions. But there has never been any lack of affection from me to her, which she has said, and said that she is hurting too because I’m hurting and she loves me and knows how good of a person i am.

I was in my own head a lot at first. Blaming myself completely. After talking with the therapist she helped make me realize that a lot of this was both of us causing this stress. All we can do is get better and work towards it. I truly do in my heart feel like we are best friends and can work through this and be so much better for years to come.

All i can do is hope, and work for it.

[K9]

On 4/2/2021 at 9:31 AM, bigbadbuff said:

She’s just so deep in her own head it’s crazy

Nah, I agree w/ the other statements written - she's working on it. She's making efforts. As for leaving your place, it's a shared space. Despite you there or not, people sometimes need a new environment to really think things through. I think it's a good thing that she did speak w/her sister and bro-in-law. Getting outside perspective isn't always a bad thing. And honestly, I think getting opinions from family is much better than getting opinions from her girlfriends. Sisters have a different point of view than girlfriends. My girlfriends would be the first to bash a guy if I was having problems vs my sister - she'd know I wanted to make it work and would give me the honest feedback I needed.

Side note - no bashing on either side but you hit the nail on the head: communication. If the things either of you said (sarcastic or not) bothered you or her, it should've been brought up at that time; jokingly, sarcastically or for real. Neither of you knew it bothered the other and then the feelings get bottled up 

Ps - as for the above, this is what we do!!!    

Edited April 7, 2021 by K9

[FrantikRam]

On 4/2/2021 at 4:19 PM, bigbadbuff said:

I appreciate all feedback. And while i did name call, and i did say i didn’t want this out of anger during the first talk, that part hasn’t happened again since. I have name called in the past, in ways i thought were casual. It wasn’t great. Example i would say she was being ignorant to finances. Just to add to the perspective. I also, for not wanting to bash her on here, there were times she did these things as well. I remember numerous times her cussing at me and calling me a b word etc in front of my parents. There’s been these times that this has happened. I may have made it sound like this is a daily, weekly, or even monthly thing. It isn’t. It wasn’t. We were quarantined together for a couple months last year, and didn’t argue or fight once. To be honest with you i don’t even remember the last time we had any arguments outside of the last two weeks. They were so far and few between. 
 

This wasn’t a one sided thing. And I’ve done so much to try to spoil her, be thoughtful, be close with her family etc. it wasn’t all me just being a complete and utter ****. Although from that post you quoted i defiantly felt that way and felt down in the dumps like everything was my fault at that point.

99% of our relationship has been fun, great, laughs, love. But our communication has been severely lacking. Maybe i did say things more often than i realized. It got to the point where i sarcastically said she disappoints me because she didn’t picked bread off of her burger. In a completely harmless way, so i thought. Idk. Both of us have had our issues. Maybe I’ve exaggerated both ways good and bad in this thread the last couple of weeks to match my emotions. But there has never been any lack of affection from me to her, which she has said, and said that she is hurting too because I’m hurting and she loves me and knows how good of a person i am.

I was in my own head a lot at first. Blaming myself completely. After talking with the therapist she helped make me realize that a lot of this was both of us causing this stress. All we can do is get better and work towards it. I truly do in my heart feel like we are best friends and can work through this and be so much better for years to come.

All i can do is hope, and work for it.

 

This is your problem:

"It got to the point where i sarcastically said she disappoints me because she didn’t picked bread off of her burger. In a completely harmless way, so i thought. Idk."

Two main issues in relationships that don't get talked about:

1. Knowing yourself and knowing your significant other

2. Empathy - understanding how your SO might feel about the comment I quoted above

 

Whether you guys are dieting together or there are weight problems, there's no positive outcome from that comment. This says one of two things to me: either you meant for that comment to irk her or you struggle to see things from her perspective. If you know yourself well, figure out why you made that comment. If you don't know yourself well - and many people don't - I think you'll find this relationship very difficult to salvage.

 

As far as what your wife is doing - I don't know either of you, but I'm guessing that the relationship peaked at some point, prior to getting married, and some things have been bothering her for years. She's probably wondering why she didn't say anything before and likely realizing that there are steps she could have taken to help, and wondering why she didn't. That does NOT absolve you however, and based on what you've said, your behavior seems to be the root cause.

After reconciling with that, she needs to decide whether your (root cause) behavior will change - I imagine the success rate of this happening in a relationship is less than 1%, as often people learn these lessons by having a relationship end and then apply them moving forward.

[Ty21]

I’ve been with a couple girls in the last year that were interested in me and I wasn’t but I was interested in a girl recently that was going somewhere but then failed to materialize. Totally bummed. When I become interested in a girl I turn into a total p****

[DreamKid]

4 hours ago, Ty21 said:

When I become interested in a girl I turn into a total p****

In what way?

[Ty21]

5 hours ago, DreamKid said:

In what way?

Well I guess I’m pretty much ice cold otherwise and don’t let things get to me but I’m very soft when it comes to girls. I ran into the girl yesterday when she was out w her bf (he’s kinda a scumbag I guess, cheated on her while she was out of town and said she’d be ending it but I guess they’re back together). I’ll get past it but nothing deflates me emotionally more than this stuff. I’m just going to stop vesting interest til it’s requited 

[naptownskinsfan]

On 4/19/2021 at 9:46 AM, Ty21 said:

Well I guess I’m pretty much ice cold otherwise and don’t let things get to me but I’m very soft when it comes to girls. I ran into the girl yesterday when she was out w her bf (he’s kinda a scumbag I guess, cheated on her while she was out of town and said she’d be ending it but I guess they’re back together). I’ll get past it but nothing deflates me emotionally more than this stuff. I’m just going to stop vesting interest til it’s requited 

I hear you.  I was recently talking to someone who pursued me- had a mutual friend pass along her number, we talked, she disappeared and then came back over the past two weeks.  Talked almost non-stop for a week, and it appears she blocked me on Wednesday.  From reading everything back over, I probably overpursued, which is the opposite of you but still nets us in the same area.  Or as the mutual friend indicated, it is possible her phone got shut off because she's been tight on cash, but my response was that it was highly unlikely that would happen mid-conversation.  

I've spent the past couple days in my feelings but trying to dig out of it.  Went to the Orioles game yesterday, and having some friends over for the UFC fight tonight.  But yeah, having to hold off interest is a tough one, especially when I usually am led by emotion.  

[Ty21]

4 minutes ago, naptownskinsfan said:

I hear you.  I was recently talking to someone who pursued me- had a mutual friend pass along her number, we talked, she disappeared and then came back over the past two weeks.  Talked almost non-stop for a week, and it appears she blocked me on Wednesday.  From reading everything back over, I probably overpursued, which is the opposite of you but still nets us in the same area.  Or as the mutual friend indicated, it is possible her phone got shut off because she's been tight on cash, but my response was that it was highly unlikely that would happen mid-conversation.  

I've spent the past couple days in my feelings but trying to dig out of it.  Went to the Orioles game yesterday, and having some friends over for the UFC fight tonight.  But yeah, having to hold off interest is a tough one, especially when I usually am led by emotion.  

I’ve talked to her a bit about it this last week. The boyfriend has a kid with her and he’s a conniving **** essentially and she said she’s not happy with him but is too worried to leave him because his family is wealthy and last time they split he tried to take full custody through his family’s lawyers even though he took the daughter less than a day a week or so. But there are feelings between us. I told her I’m not pursuing anything anymore and just letting her have her thing. She didn’t like that but what can you do. 

[FrantikRam]

For anyone living with their significant other:

How do you divide housework?

Do you discuss it or just do it?

Does this ever cause tension?

[OkeyDoke21]

7 hours ago, FrantikRam said:

For anyone living with their significant other:

How do you divide housework?
We try to do 50/50.  We both work full time, so there is no reason for one to carry a larger load than the other, when it comes to housework.  With that said, she is much cleanlier than I am.  I'm no where near a slob, but she is a neat freak.  She likes to keep the house spotless, so our 50/50 is more her doing her thing, and me trying not to drag too far behind.  She can get into a zone that I just can't match.  I handle the vast majority of outside work, and anything more labor intensive, she handles 90+% of the laundry.  If she cooks, I'll do the dishes, and vice versa.  I make the bed every morning.   I handle the trash, she vacuums more than I do.  I handle the dog duties.  Neither of us leave general messes around.  She has been working from home during the pandemic, while I have still been going to the office, so she outpaces me, but I try to make sure I'm doing my part.  There is value in effort here.

Do you discuss it or just do it?

Just do it, for the most part.  Some stuff gets discussed.  More discussion earlier on in our living together than currently.  We've been living together 7 years.

Does this ever cause tension?

Occasionally.  It used to cause a lot more tension than it does, currently.  It still can, but not near as much.  It took us both adapting to each other, and understanding our differences.  More communication where there used to be silent frustration.  It's like most issues in relationships.  Communication and compromise are key.  It's like a canoe, and you both have an oar.  The canoe will move a lot more effectively if you're both paddling, and you communicate to get around the obstacles.

Edited April 27, 2021 by OkeyDoke21

[Mox]

On 4/18/2021 at 10:24 PM, Ty21 said:

I’ve been with a couple girls in the last year that were interested in me and I wasn’t but I was interested in a girl recently that was going somewhere but then failed to materialize. Totally bummed. When I become interested in a girl I turn into a total p****

Most guys do. You have to treat all women the same. You'll do a lot better. A girl can't chase you if you're chasing her.

Edited April 27, 2021 by Bullet Club

[ET80]

8 hours ago, FrantikRam said:

How do you divide housework?

It depends on what someone's day/week looks like. My wife is in school and works, I work from home - so it makes sense that I take on a lot of the day-to-day. She still handles the kids' laundry and towels. I get pretty much everything else.

The exception is when I'm working on Quarterly reporting or annual Executive summaries, or have to work overnight for an production install; Roles are basically reversed. My wife is in tune with my job, she can quickly ascertain if I'm able to balance, or if it's going sideways and I need to focus.

8 hours ago, FrantikRam said:

Do you discuss it or just do it?

I have a philosophy in life - if you see it, you do it. I've been that way since before I was married. So, it just gets done.

Once upon a time (more on this later) we did create a list of chores - that led to a "well, that's not MY job" between us, which isn't an ideal argument.

8 hours ago, FrantikRam said:

Does this ever cause tension?

Yeah (this was what I was referring to above). There was a time when there was a ton of friction between us on this. I was commuting at the time, so it was incredibly difficult to be stuck in traffic and then come home and sweep the floors and take out the trash. Wife's situation was still school/work, so it wasn't like she had bandwidth either.

There was give and take between us (lotta reluctant taking by me, IMO) to find out the best way to maintain the house; The list we had made sense, but it turned when the "it's not my job" lines started to come out from either of us. Finally, we figured we'd try to bring in housekeepers twice a month while maintaining smaller chores on a regular basis - dishes, cooking, organizing pantry/fridge, etc.

It's worked out, but it's certainly an uneasy peace. I'm half expecting her to take on more once she's done with her Masters, but I'm also bracing myself for another new task that'll occupy her.

[Ty21]

Story got super ****ed up and depressing. 
 

-girl (mentioned above) and I were hitting it off but she was softly with her boyfriend who is abusive/she doesn’t want to be w. I thought things were heating up but then she rekindled things w him and I was bummed as I already mentioned

-I was straight up with her after my post here and we both confessed feelings for each other and that was kinda that

-then we kinda ended up hooking up last week after I randomly came over. she said she was done w him. I didn’t come over to hook up w her, it just happened 

-she broke it off with him but then later on found out she is 5 weeks pregnant w him 

 

so yeah I’m kinda decimated rn. 

[K9]

10 hours ago, Ty21 said:

Story got super ****ed up and depressing. 
 

-girl (mentioned above) and I were hitting it off but she was softly with her boyfriend who is abusive/she doesn’t want to be w. I thought things were heating up but then she rekindled things w him and I was bummed as I already mentioned

-I was straight up with her after my post here and we both confessed feelings for each other and that was kinda that

-then we kinda ended up hooking up last week after I randomly came over. she said she was done w him. I didn’t come over to hook up w her, it just happened 

-she broke it off with him but then later on found out she is 5 weeks pregnant w him 

 

so yeah I’m kinda decimated rn. 

So sorry to hear!!! I hope that when you're ready, you get back out there and find someone awesome for you!

[naptownskinsfan]

21 hours ago, Ty21 said:

Story got super ****ed up and depressing. 
 

-girl (mentioned above) and I were hitting it off but she was softly with her boyfriend who is abusive/she doesn’t want to be w. I thought things were heating up but then she rekindled things w him and I was bummed as I already mentioned

-I was straight up with her after my post here and we both confessed feelings for each other and that was kinda that

-then we kinda ended up hooking up last week after I randomly came over. she said she was done w him. I didn’t come over to hook up w her, it just happened 

-she broke it off with him but then later on found out she is 5 weeks pregnant w him 

 

so yeah I’m kinda decimated rn. 

That sucks man. I’ve been in the feelings about my own situation, too, but I would hate this even more. Just goes to show you what someone said earlier- she can’t chase you if you are chasing her. 
 

Lessons learned for next time.