Relationship Advice Thread

[vikesfan89]

21 hours ago, 49ersfan said:

Its getting real tough to meet anyone right now. Dating apps worked for a while, but the last couple of years they haven't, not sure why as i never changed the pics. I delete & reinstall them periodically but its always a waste.

There aren't a lot of single girls in my social circle and with the pandemic we've obviously stopped bigger hangouts so haven't met any friends of friends. Haven't been to bars weddings or events in about a year.

I did have a couple of girls i liked from work but we've been doing remote work for a while, i come to the office once or twice a week and our schedules are all staggered so i've seen certain people maybe 7-8 times in the last year. Its hard to keep relationships that way. Also its not the best idea either....

I'm considering speed dating in the spring/summer, but i'm not sure how that'll work

Maybe its the pandemic exacerbating things, but it just feels like i've been stuck in a rut for a little while and i'm not sure how to get out of it. 

 

I didn't have much much online either.  But a few months ago I did meet someone on an app and it's going pretty well. 

I'm not a very social person so I think it actually helped that we couldn't go to a restaurant and she just came over for the first date

[49ersfan]

On 3/2/2021 at 3:45 PM, Texansfan713 said:

DATING apps are a waste of time.  It only benefit's women especially if you arent a good picture taker.  I joined eharmony for 6 months last year and got exactly 1 message the whole 6 months.  At first I thought it was my profile and pictures, granted Im not the best at taking pics but its definitely more to it.  Thats why its best to met them in person.  Thats why when this pandemic is over I plan on going to social gatherings/meetups where singles will be at.  

Yeah i'm waiting for that too. Would you do speed dating? I'm considering it..

On 3/2/2021 at 9:24 PM, vikesfan89 said:

I didn't have much much online either.  But a few months ago I did meet someone on an app and it's going pretty well. 

I'm not a very social person so I think it actually helped that we couldn't go to a restaurant and she just came over for the first date

It went well for me upto a couple of years ago but maybe my game got weaker, the app algorithm changed, etc lol. Now it seems like i get max 10 matches my first week and the odd match after. I use Hinge Bumble or Tinder. 

[Texansfan713]

I havent tried speed dating but I plan to once everything opens back up safely.  Some people told me to try it. 

[MOSteelers56]

So I have a question for you all. I've been seeing someone for awhile. Maybe about 6 months or so. We don't really hang out all that often, so most of our conversing is via text. We live in the same town, but both lead pretty busy lives(without giving too much info out). So I've not really been feeling it for awhile. I don't really feel comfortable when I'm with this person. Not "uncomfortable," just not comfortable if you know what I mean. This person just doesn't feel right. I can't really relax. So I'd like to initiate a breakup, but I don't really know to get my feelings out without coming off mean. I really just don't see us as a good fit. Any advice? 

[vike daddy]

1 hour ago, MOSteelers56 said:

So I have a question for you all. I've been seeing someone for awhile. Maybe about 6 months or so. We don't really hang out all that often, so most of our conversing is via text. We live in the same town, but both lead pretty busy lives(without giving too much info out). So I've not really been feeling it for awhile. I don't really feel comfortable when I'm with this person. Not "uncomfortable," just not comfortable if you know what I mean. This person just doesn't feel right. I can't really relax. So I'd like to initiate a breakup, but I don't really know to get my feelings out without coming off mean. I really just don't see us as a good fit. Any advice? 

I think that's your script right there. ain't nothing better than just compassionately telling the truth.

[Daniel]

20 hours ago, MOSteelers56 said:

So I have a question for you all. I've been seeing someone for awhile. Maybe about 6 months or so. We don't really hang out all that often, so most of our conversing is via text. We live in the same town, but both lead pretty busy lives(without giving too much info out). So I've not really been feeling it for awhile. I don't really feel comfortable when I'm with this person. Not "uncomfortable," just not comfortable if you know what I mean. This person just doesn't feel right. I can't really relax. So I'd like to initiate a breakup, but I don't really know to get my feelings out without coming off mean. I really just don't see us as a good fit. Any advice? 

 

18 hours ago, vike daddy said:

I think that's your script right there. ain't nothing better than just compassionately telling the truth.

I'd agree with Vike Daddy there.  There's no way to break up with someone without sounding mean to some degree.  You already have a pretty good basis there, and it looks pretty fair and not mean to me.  If you don't see each other too often, it's hard for to imagine that they'll take it that poorly anyway, so no worries.

You're just not compatible, it sounds like, and that's fine.  There's no way to control how someone else will take what you tell them, so you gotta go with what you've got.

[MWil23]

2 hours ago, Daniel said:

 

I'd agree with Vike Daddy there.  There's no way to break up with someone without sounding mean to some degree.  You already have a pretty good basis there, and it looks pretty fair and not mean to me.  If you don't see each other too often, it's hard for to imagine that they'll take it that poorly anyway, so no worries.

You're just not compatible, it sounds like, and that's fine.  There's no way to control how someone else will take what you tell them, so you gotta go with what you've got.

I agree.

Just tell her she's awesome, but you don't feel the chemistry and haven't been able to mutually commit the time to spending with one another in person, whether that's intentional or a worldwide pandemic. Perhaps your paths will meet again under different circumstances, but if not, wish her the best, be honest, and move on.

[MOSteelers56]

On 3/8/2021 at 7:40 PM, vike daddy said:

I think that's your script right there. ain't nothing better than just compassionately telling the truth.

 

22 hours ago, Daniel said:

 

I'd agree with Vike Daddy there.  There's no way to break up with someone without sounding mean to some degree.  You already have a pretty good basis there, and it looks pretty fair and not mean to me.  If you don't see each other too often, it's hard for to imagine that they'll take it that poorly anyway, so no worries.

You're just not compatible, it sounds like, and that's fine.  There's no way to control how someone else will take what you tell them, so you gotta go with what you've got.

 

19 hours ago, MWil23 said:

I agree.

Just tell her she's awesome, but you don't feel the chemistry and haven't been able to mutually commit the time to spending with one another in person, whether that's intentional or a worldwide pandemic. Perhaps your paths will meet again under different circumstances, but if not, wish her the best, be honest, and move on.

Thanks everyone. The deed was carried out. I don't have a lot of experience with things of this nature. The help was definitely needed and appreciated. 

[MWil23]

Just now, MOSteelers56 said:

 

 

Thanks everyone. The deed was carried out. I don't have a lot of experience with things of this nature. The help was definitely needed and appreciated. 

Break ups are never easy. I hope that it went well. I'm always firmly in the camp of "Always tell the truth in kindness". 

[bigbadbuff]

This isn’t easy for me to post at all but here i go.

I started dating my wife at the end of 2014, and we just got married in November 2020. We had what felt like a normal argument a couple of weeks ago, but then she started to see a therapist and on Sunday she told me she doesn’t know if she wants this anymore, but is willing to put in the work and go to counseling. It broke my heart because she told me she has been feeling this way for some time now, that she felt unhappy. She explained to me the things i was doing that caused this, like not helping enough around our apartment, or making mean jokes or name calling like i would with my guy friends. 
 

All of this lead me to be angry, and sad, and frustrated and tell her i didn’t want this either, I’m done, took off the ring and said i don’t want someone that questions me.

After an hour or so of talking to her and thinking in my own head i realized how much of a **** I’ve been. How i tried to overcompensate with gifts, or dinner dates. How i wasn’t loving her the way she deserves and wants to be loved. I told her i would do absolutely anything to make this work. We have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow morning.

I’ve been self reflecting for the last 48 hours, and have had a lot of talks with her (i took off of work yesterday and have off today) about what i realize i wasn’t good at. She’s in her own head right now where she’s scared that it’s too late, she’s scared that she was so unhappy she came to terms with being alone. And I feel terrible. She said she wants to put in a full effort i counseling to make things better, and that the things that are issues are fixable. But I’m scared **** less. Yesterday was a much better day of talking things out, cleaning up messes around our place that i put off etc.

It’s like i ignored these issues because i didn’t feel like they were a big deal, but they all added up on her. Our communication has never been top notch, but since she’s opened up to me it’s been like a sigh of relief and we have been talking so much more in depth.

 

This woman is everything to me, and anything i can think of about her that would be an issue is caused by me. I feel like absolute crap, and i refuse to go down without a fight. 
 

I’m terrified.

[Shanedorf]

1 hour ago, bigbadbuff said:

It’s like i ignored these issues because i didn’t feel like they were a big deal, but they all added up on her. Our communication has never been top notch, but since she’s opened up to me it’s been like a sigh of relief and we have been talking so much more in depth.

best wishes to both of you and getting pro help is a really important first step- many couples come out the other side 5x better than when they went in. the therapist will help you with the process and the rules of engagement - the rest is up to you two. And you have a very good chance for a successful outcome based on what you wrote above and your willingness to seek and accept help. It won't always be easy- but it is totally worth it.

Good luck to both of you

[bigbadbuff]

33 minutes ago, Shanedorf said:

best wishes to both of you and getting pro help is a really important first step- many couples come out the other side 5x better than when they went in. the therapist will help you with the process and the rules of engagement - the rest is up to you two. And you have a very good chance for a successful outcome based on what you wrote above and your willingness to seek and accept help. It won't always be easy- but it is totally worth it.

Good luck to both of you

Thank you for taking the time to respond, i really do appreciate it. It’s been a struggle the last couple of days. I haven’t been eating much. ALOT of talking, both good and bad. I just want this to work more than anything in the world and It’s tough because i don’t know the outcome.

[Shanedorf]

15 minutes ago, bigbadbuff said:

I just want this to work more than anything in the world and It’s tough because i don’t know the outcome.

Don't focus too much on the outcome; focus on the here & now and how to communicate with your spouse.
You're building a foundation that you'll lean on for the rest of your married lives. There will ALWAYS be issues that come up - the outcome isn't blissful joy 24/7 for the next 100 years.
The outcome is that together you two can handle anything that comes your way

What you're going to learn is: How to listen to one another, a shared commitment to making it work and the tools needed for the job. Then...the outcome takes care of itself. 

 

[K9]

4 hours ago, bigbadbuff said:

Thank you for taking the time to respond, i really do appreciate it. It’s been a struggle the last couple of days. I haven’t been eating much. ALOT of talking, both good and bad. I just want this to work more than anything in the world and It’s tough because i don’t know the outcome.

This is so key, the fact that you KNOW you want to work things out, will try anything to make it work (including the ugly, vulnerable discussions) AND putting her first. I commend you a lot for looking inwards and seriously trying to see things from her point of view. Even in just my guy friendships (I'm a female), it happens a lot where it's literally the mars vs venus situation. They usually make a joke, I laugh (because it's funny, ha) and move on. But in relationships, it doesn't always work and feelings build up.

Seriously hope that whatever time length it takes - the relationship gets healthier and stronger!!

[Daniel]

No advice to give, but good luck and best wishes.  I think the last year has likely been particularly hard for a lot of marriages.

Hope yours works out, and with your attitude, seems like it's likely to in the end IMO.