Relationship Advice Thread

[CWood21]

On 5/13/2022 at 3:36 PM, Texansfan713 said:

the good thing is that she is a good compromiser.  I think the fact im her first ever relationship she hasnt been used to dating like that.  i just got a little annoyed she always brings it up when someone she knows is getting married. 

Sounds like she's feeling societal pressure to get married.  Most (not all) women feel pressure that if they're not married by the time they're X and have kids by the time they're Y tend to hear it from outside noises.  As long as there is healthy communication between your girlfriend and you, that should be good.  If she feels the need for you to constantly appease her, then maybe it's not the right relationship for you.

[FrantikRam]

On 5/13/2022 at 2:07 PM, Texansfan713 said:

Has anyone ever dated someone that had wedding fever?

 

Long story short, my gf and I been dating for 8 months (keep that in mind).  Recently one of her old roommates got married back in Feb and i attended the wedding with her.  A few days ago her sister (my gf is adopted so it isnt her real one) got engaged with a guy who basically became official for at least a month.  We spoke yesterday and she was saying "we are next".  I kinda told her 8 months is too short to even discuss marriage like that and i at least need to know a person for a year or 2 before proposing. I know she really likes me and her family does too, but she needs to realize our relationship is different compared to her friend and her sisters. 

 

Am I wrong for letting her know im not ready YET to be married, but we are on the right track and if you really care about me you would respect my decision and just let it happen down the line?

 

Need some context here. How old are you and how old is she?

You are definitely not wrong for letting her know that you aren't ready, but at the same time, I knew I wanted to propose after two months. Ended up waiting until the 10 month mark so I could plan something really cool.

But my wife and I met when we were 29, so we knew exactly what we wanted in life. Expedited the dating process and eliminated the drama.

 

There is a potential red flag here. Most marriages don't work - you have the half that end in divorce and factually didn't work - but you also have a ton that don't end in divorce but the couple is never really happy either. One potential cause is that people try to square peg round hole someone into what they want. This is tough because most people do tend to want to get married - but what you should try to discover is if she wants to marry you, or if she wants to get married. There's a big difference.

If you're ever ready to discuss a wedding, do some research and form some opinions - then share them and see how she reacts. A great example for my wife and I is that I did not want to get married in a church - so I told her that. Her parents have gone to church their whole lives - but she was like "getting married outside would be awesome". I didn't think about it at the time, but had she tried to force me to get married in a church, that would have told me a lot.

[twslhs20]

So I've been on 2 dates since I got out here. I thought both went well. One I wasn't feeling and 1 I wanted a second date, but she wasn't feeling it. I have another tomorrow night.

We've been texting the last 2 nights. I'm excited to meet her. I'm just don't want to blow it lol. I think I'm struggling with topics? I tend to ask questions and listen. I'm not sure if that's enough. Any 1st date advice would be appreciated.

[FrantikRam]

4 hours ago, twslhs20 said:

So I've been on 2 dates since I got out here. I thought both went well. One I wasn't feeling and 1 I wanted a second date, but she wasn't feeling it. I have another tomorrow night.

We've been texting the last 2 nights. I'm excited to meet her. I'm just don't want to blow it lol. I think I'm struggling with topics? I tend to ask questions and listen. I'm not sure if that's enough. Any 1st date advice would be appreciated.

 

 

I think asking questions and listening is a good start.

Where I think connections form are around common interests or shared experiences - so when you're asking her a question, try to reciprocate/comment after her answer. Easy example is asking about her family - siblings? Is she close with them? Then talk about your family. Both have siblings? Talk about that. Shes close and your not? "Wow I'm not close with my siblings at all, what's that like?"

How this all goes strongly depends on yours and hers conversation skills. It's about more than just questions, but definitely a good start - everyone wants to be heard/listened to.

[twslhs20]

We went to the farmers market earlier, got a drink at a cafe, and walked around.

Gonna meet up again in a couple hours for dinner. She's vegan so I'm just going to let her choose lol.

[FrantikRam]

On 5/21/2022 at 8:18 PM, twslhs20 said:

We went to the farmers market earlier, got a drink at a cafe, and walked around.

Gonna meet up again in a couple hours for dinner. She's vegan so I'm just going to let her choose lol.

 

How did it go?

[twslhs20]

37 minutes ago, FrantikRam said:

 

How did it go?

I though it went well. I hugged her goodbye. I asked to see her again when she texted me that she got home safe. She said we should keep in contact and make a plan to meet up.

We've talked off, and on, the last couple of days. Though I'm the one initiating the conversation. Energy feels off. I feel like I'm friend-zoned tbh. I'm going to ask her out for Saturday, tomorrow. Then I'll know where I stand.

Edited May 26, 2022 by twslhs20

[K9]

23 hours ago, twslhs20 said:

I though it went well. I hugged her goodbye. I asked to see her again when she texted me that she got home safe. She said we should keep in contact and make a plan to meet up.

We've talked off, and on, the last couple of days. Though I'm the one initiating the conversation. Energy feels off. I feel like I'm friend-zoned tbh. I'm going to ask her out for Saturday, tomorrow. Then I'll know where I stand.

I really, really like that you asked her to text you when she got home! I'm a female and hate romantic, stupid silly stuff but it always meant something (even if I didn't like him) that he thought about that and cared enough to make sure. 

Side note, just don't be that guy that goes creepy - once she lets you know she's safe at home   

[twslhs20]

2 hours ago, K9 said:

I really, really like that you asked her to text you when she got home! I'm a female and hate romantic, stupid silly stuff but it always meant something (even if I didn't like him) that he thought about that and cared enough to make sure. 

Side note, just don't be that guy that goes creepy - once she lets you know she's safe at home   

A lot of my friends and family do that. It's more of a habit than anything. It's good check up on each other.

No I've never been that guy. As much as I think dating is rough in today's society, it has to be way harder for girls.

I feel like I might have a problem though. Maybe a female perspective would help.

So I stated texting this new girl last night (very light I haven't asked her out). I honestly thought I wasn't getting a second date from the girl I've been talking about.

So long story short, I have a second date on Saturday. We don't have a label or anything. Still casual.

Is it wrong to continue to have a conversation with the new girl? I don't want to be deceitful in anyway. At the same time, if the relationship is undefined, I'm not doing anything underhanded imo. I know this is a fine line I'm walking.

[Malfatron]

8 minutes ago, twslhs20 said:

So long story short, I have a second date on Saturday. We don't have a label or anything. Still casual.

Is it wrong to continue to have a conversation with the new girl? I don't want to be deceitful in anyway. At the same time, if the relationship is undefined, I'm not doing anything underhanded imo. I know this is a fine line I'm walking.

Its not wrong

Just like she might be talking to other guys

See how it goes with both and dont burn bridges

[vike daddy]

6 hours ago, twslhs20 said:

Is it wrong to continue to have a conversation with the new girl? I don't want to be deceitful in anyway. At the same time, if the relationship is undefined, I'm not doing anything underhanded imo. I know this is a fine line I'm walking.

it's not wrong because you and the first one have not defined, or even discussed, you two as being exclusive.

[K9]

21 hours ago, Malfatron said:

Its not wrong

Just like she might be talking to other guys

See how it goes with both and dont burn bridges

I second this! it's not like you're 'dating' either one really. BUT... you seem like a true gentleman to even ask!!! 

[beekay414]

Honestly, people need to be able to separate dating from a relationship. You can go on several dates and not be "in a relationship" so keep exploring your options. Everything can go well on dates but you never friggin' know when someone will decide that the "chemistry isn't there" despite going out several times. 

[SteelKing728]

On 5/13/2022 at 4:36 PM, Texansfan713 said:

the good thing is that she is a good compromiser.  I think the fact im her first ever relationship she hasnt been used to dating like that.  i just got a little annoyed she always brings it up when someone she knows is getting married. 

I think she just wants confirmation that what you have is longterm. That way, she knows her time (and your time) isn't being wasted. 

I see your perspective on it though. Perhaps the best compromise, although a bit cheesy in this day and age, may be to get her a promise ring. They are cheap but will probably be very meaningful to her. Plus, the promise can be whatever you choose it to be; not necessarily marriage.

[WizeGuy]

On 5/21/2022 at 2:16 AM, twslhs20 said:

So I've been on 2 dates since I got out here. I thought both went well. One I wasn't feeling and 1 I wanted a second date, but she wasn't feeling it. I have another tomorrow night.

We've been texting the last 2 nights. I'm excited to meet her. I'm just don't want to blow it lol. I think I'm struggling with topics? I tend to ask questions and listen. I'm not sure if that's enough. Any 1st date advice would be appreciated.

I'd do an activity together. My wife was in school to get her PHD in Genetics, so we went to the museum for our first date. It's much easier to get a conversation going if there are things around you to talk about rather than sitting at a table interview style. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but if you're struggling to conversate, then maybe a change of scenery would help.