Relationship Advice Thread

[vike daddy]

10 hours ago, ET80 said:

...my wife is brunette, hazel eyes for me too. She's clearly, clearly, CLEARLY out of my league as well. 

dude, you don't even have a league.

[WizeGuy]

36 minutes ago, MWil23 said:

Here's the theory I have and encourage all young men to adopt as their own:

One of three things can happen if you ask a girl out, whether it be on a date, approach with a drink like @ET80 did, ask my wife out on a date like I did, etc.:

1. She laughs, says no, turns you down flat, and some variation of makes fun of you. In which case, she has legitimately done you a FAVOR. She's not the type of hateful/awful human being you want to be with in any capacity. You've dodged a toxic relationship bullet. It will sting/hurt briefly, but you'll realize that sooner or later and move on.

2. She kindly/politely says no/turns you down. Yeah, it's a bummer, but hey, at least you've made her feel good about herself/acknowledged that she is attractive, and you'll move on, with your dignity intact and if you are/were friends, you can move on eventually and salvage that relationship.

3. She says YES. I think most guys fail to realize that women don't think the way we do in that it has to be an "Oh my, I think I may have legitimate feelings for this guy" for them to say yes. For example, I once asked my wife why she agreed to Date #1 AND Date #2, and she said "I didn't have a reason to say no." While this is hilarious, proving that she didn't immediately have those feelings for me, it shows that often they're willing to give you a chance if you come across as nice/genuine and aren't completely unattractive.

Some may see the 1/3 as a bad ratio, but, I mean, you weren't going out with her before, so if she says "No", you're still not going out with her, and you're literally out NOTHING. Let's be honest, at some point, we've all looked at a guy/girl in a relationship and said "How did THAT GUY land HER?!?!?!" Well, the answer is pretty simple...he asked her out/took his shot.

Also, don't expect to get many 'relationship material' women if you're approaching them hammered. You'll probably end up with a random hook-up that doesn't materialize. Most women deny a man that's completely hammered unless they themselves are completely hammered. Also, I've come to realize that sober 'relations' are way better than drunken 'relations'. 

[ET80]

49 minutes ago, vike daddy said:

dude, you don't even have a league.

It's more of a collection of people who play on the weekend a few times a month... Sure, I can see that.

More impressive that I married who I did, IMO.

[MWil23]

@ET80, you said that your wife was angry when you approached her at the bar. What did you SAY to her/what made her flip her tone and give you the time of day? 

[Shanedorf]

1 hour ago, MWil23 said:

What did you SAY to her/what made her flip her tone and give you the time of day? 

  "Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again ?"

[ET80]

1 hour ago, MWil23 said:

@ET80, you said that your wife was angry when you approached her at the bar. What did you SAY to her/what made her flip her tone and give you the time of day? 

This actually lines up with what I was about to post...

To all of us married/engaged guys ( @MWil23, @Daniel, @LETSGOBROWNIES, @vike daddy, @WizeGuy, @JoshstraDaymus, @pwny, @MrDrew @Shanedorf) - how did you meet your wife/significant other? Needless to say, I'll go first:

So, I had been out of a relationship a few months beforehand - this other girl and I dated for a while, clicked a bit but then it just fizzled out. So, I was in the midst of a "wild oats" run on my side, and was trolling a few of the bigger dating websites (this was before things like Tinder and such - Match.com and eHarmony were the big two back then). Things were good, I was going on plenty of dates with no real intentions of moving ahead with anything.

One day in December (a Thursday) I was making plans with a girl I met on Match - Indian girl, lived locally (for those who remember my single days on the site, I was notorious for dating women outside of Texas - NYC, Chicago, etc. @MrDrew wanted to make a movie about my dating exploits, with Ben Stiller as the lead). So, this has a small potential to be a bit more than a simple sowing of oats, if you will. We planned on meeting up to get a glass of wine and hang out (that was my go-to move, a bottle of wine and chit chat at a local wine bar before we headed out to dinner). As I'm coming home from the gym, I get a text - "sorry, can't come out tonight, have family coming over". Shrug, oh well. I text back, we immediately make plans for Saturday night (she worked at a hotel, so she wanted me to meet her up at her hotel bar Saturday night).

Meanwhile, I'm still joensing to go out. I look on Facebook and see a group of friends are going out - not the group I'd usually go out with, but it's a group I know well, so I shoot 'em a text to let em know I'm joining up. We meet at our local pub, down a few drinks, goof off - typical guy stuff. The pub is in a town center with a few bars/restaurants, so we hop around, go to the one bar that is more "club" than bar - not usually my scene, but hey.

Our group of four walk in; it's sort of empty, but there are three soccer moms going CRAZY on the dance floor, just dancing like nobody's watching. It's a riot, and my buddies immediately jump into the fray. I'm about to go in, when I look over to the right of me - brunette, knee high skirt, beige sweater, brown knee high boots - and she is PEEVED. Arms folded, rolling her eyes, checking her watch every 30 seconds. So, I had stumbled across the Mama Bear. In my mind, I could pull off a twofer - run interference so my buddies could get up close to the ladies on the dance floor while I can see about talking to the most attractive woman in the building.

I immediately go up to her - in my Affliction t-shirt, boot cut jeans, skull cap, leather wristband, coral choker chain - and simply said "Hi". She rolled her eyes at me and ignored me. I continued "You...um...you look like you're angry," I slur (I might have been a bit tipsy). She gives me a quick look, glares at me and says "Yeah, um...those ******* have been going non-stop since 7, and I want to go..." (She may have been a bit tipsy, too). I immediately pick up that she actually answered me, so I wasn't completely shot down just yet! I quickly say "Well, if you can't beat them, let me buy you a drink..."

"No". The response was quick, brutal ...but not effective. I was in free fall, but determined to recover. "Ok, so question - if someone other than me bought you a drink, and that drink was a Dos Equis... yeah, no? Free beer?" She smiles, so I'm back in the game. "Fine, let's get a beer," and we headed to the bar. We chit chatted, nothing really in depth, and we make our way to the patio area - she was going to smoke a cigarette. As she's taking her cigarette out and putting it in her mouth, I immediately flip out my Zippo lighter and pop it open, getting the flame going immediately. She was impressed with that trick (I was never able to do that before, and wasn't able to do it every again... it was the Zippo trick moreso than the words I said, it was a slick move that made me look like a boss - also, smoking is bad, don't do it).

The rest of the night goes on like that - drinking a beer, smoking a cigarette, getting a shot, chatting, laughing - we eventually get out on the dance floor and start to dance. By this time, the soccer moms are now all turning into Mama Bears, and my buddies are at the bar (couldn't even return the favor to run interference). By the end of the night, I get her number and we part ways. The very next day, I call her up to see if she wanted to get out and get some wine and dinner (different "local" wine bar this time) and she quickly agrees. We partied like rock stars that night, it was all over the place.

The next morning, we say our goodbyes - and I text the Indian gal, tell her "hey, so sorry - I've got a pastor in town from India family and I have to show him around, can't go out tonight..."

Fast forward to today and that angry girl at the bar and I have two kids, one puppy, and a home together. I helped her finish college, she inspired me to go back for my Masters. I held down the fort as she tended to her mom's cancer, she held my hand as I said goodbye to my dad. We've fought, reconciled, binge watched TV, played video games, argued over chores, doted over the kids, made up a grocery list, got a AAA membership, drank beer on the porch, worked out together, cooked meals together, fell in love with one another...

 

 

 

TL;DR - Shoot your shot. You'll be surprised at what you make.

[MWil23]

@ET80 that's absolutely FANTASTIC brother

Here's mine:

My wife and I met the first day of college, and I just asked her if her sister was dating a friend of mine (he was, now they're married and he's my brother in law). She gave me a look like "Who is this guy?" and said "Uhm...yeah...who are you?". I introduced myself, we became friends, and had a lot of classes together (both education majors...she's pre-K through 3 and I'm 7-12). Fast forward over the next year, when she then started going to my church and fell in love with my dad (not literally, but anyone who met my dad couldn't help but love him, that's the type of man he was). Over that year or so, she developed a major crush on me, but I was completely oblivious, as I was to pretty much all things women, and I was legendary about how oblivious I was to things/shy I was around most girls, to the point of where it was beyond embarrassing.

Anyway, I started dating another girl, she was unhappy, but quietly moved on in her mind, and then that girl broke up with me in a blindside breakup that I never saw coming...we never had a fight, etc., she just more or less panicked/had some things going on and ended it.

A few months later, my dad point blank asked her "So, if my son asked you out, what would you say?". She turned bright red (I was nowhere near her when he asked this/didn't find out until much later), and her friend laughed and said "She'd ABSOLUTELY go out with him". 

Long story short, after 3 and 1/2 years of being friends, I had no idea whether or not I actually liked her, so I figured "what the heck, she'll give me a courtesy date", which she did. I had a great time (TGI Fridays for the win), but I wanted a 2nd date, and I really didn't know where things stood, as I said, I knew she'd give me the courtesy of one date...so she said yes, we went out a second time, then a third time, then started officially dating as a couple after Date #4. 

My dad was a pastor, and he actually married the two of us, which thrilled him, because he wanted my wife as a daughter in law WAY before we started dating. She was there for me when I called her after watching my dad collapse and the paramedics (unsuccessfully) perform CPR, when the doctor entered the room and told him he had passed, we've had 3 kids together, one of whom was born with a cleft lip and palate, we've worked out together, cooked meals together, and I'm 100% certain that I love her more now than I ever did when we were dating or even first married.

I'm glad that I picked up the phone and called her asking for a courtesy date and that she decided to stop her workout partway through and answer the phone when she saw it was me calling her.

[Daniel]

@ET80 this is a good idea, but unfortunately, my wife and I met online, so there's not much of a story there.  I lived in the middle of nowhere at the time, and I wasn't interested in dating someone who wasn't a college grad.

What I can tell you about is our first date, I guess.  I was commuting to date people, and I'm an efficient guy, so I scheduled a date with one girl at lunch in Murfreesboro and one at dinner in Nashville with my future wife.  Lunch date went alright, girl was nice enough (if you've ever tried online dating, you probably know that anything better than terrible is a good date), but we went our separate ways and I went to my dinner date.

We met at a mall to ride over together to an Indian restaurant, had our dinner, it went well, and we went back to her place to watch a movie.  Which we did.  Her big dog liked me, and he does not like strangers and is an 85 lbs Pyrenees mix, so that probably won me some points.  Stayed the night, and went home the next day.  Never met up with the first girl again, because obviously.

Knew she was the girl I'd want to marry in a few months, and navigating the whole commuting thing early in the relationship probably helped.

We dated a year and she moved in with me, then we got engaged about a year after that (at the base of a ruined medieval castle on top of a mountain overlooking the Rhine because I'm a boss), and married a year after that.  Our first anniversary is this August (our fourth for dating this July) and so far, we don't hate each other yet.

 

[TOUCAN]

@MWil23 @ET80 

In keeping up with the tags.

I was out of a 2 1/2 year relationship and it took awhile to get back on the saddle. I had some me changes, and at that time I moved into a new apartment away from my mom for the first time. Like ET, at that point there were oats to be sewed. Backstory, I’m going to tell about the 2 women who led me to where I am. They’re terribly important.

The first girls name was Holly, she’s my type, short, kinda chubby, and she was nice. I do well when people are very positive. She and I had hung out a few times, but things turned quickly. Holly got obsessive. I was walking my dog one day, and she sent me a message talking about how she’s telling all of her family and friends about me and she’s deleting OKCupid and whatever. I honestly wasn’t there yet. It was spooking me. The obsession got worse as days go on, she got mad at me for not responding to her texts when I was at a wedding. I got out of there at like 1 AM and she sent me this long winded diatribe of how I’m not like what she thought I was, blah blah blah. I woke up the next morning to a profuse apology. Too much to unpack, I told her it’s best we don’t see each other anymore and she called me 38 times straight. Because she knew where I lived, I packed up my dog and some stuff to get away from home for a few days and stayed at my moms. Weeks go by and Holly then texts me out of the blue that she’s moving to Louisville and it’s all my fault.

Then Trinity. Tall, Italian, gorgeous complexion, funny, nerdy. We hit it off well. We had been on a few dates and I’m very much enamored. The long story short is though, I don’t pick up on signals well, and we stopped seeing each other. She was what I was looking for. Almost to a T.

So, I am back on the tinder scene and I’m in my work truck delivering appliances with my buddy. I’m honestly over it though and have been having thoughts of moving to Florida with my brother. I get a match. Literally am about to delete the app and I get a message. “Why not.”

As it turns out, her younger brother was swiping and saw that he liked that I had stormtroopers in my profile picture. So he picked me and she said hi. I didn’t want to put much effort out there and I didn’t know what I wanted so we agreed to meet up for a burrito. She was sweet and funny, and simple. Definitely my type of girl. Our second date, we had to change up a plan to go to this concert, Spafford was the bands name because her best friend was going to it with a man she met on tinder. She points to that as the time she fell for me. 
 

In October she will be my wife, and she’s been beside me through 2 hospital ordeals due to a heart failure that should have never happened to a guy my age. Keeper.

[MrDrew]

1 hour ago, ET80 said:

how did you meet your wife/significant other?

The way we met really isn’t that exciting, the duration is what’s impressive.

We met in high school. I was a senior in a sophomore math class, and she was a sophomore in that class. She sat behind me, and was really quiet most of the time. We would work in groups, and talk a little here and there.
 

Then I get a call one day from one of her friends that was in the class too. The friend was asking what I thought of my wife, and I knew she was on the line too. Then I was asked if I would go to the Sadie Hawkins dance with my wife if she asked me. I don’t like to dance, and hated school dances, but I said yes anyways. After that call my wife and I were talking on the phone, and making plans for the dance, and I suggested we hang out. She like the idea, and we hung out to watch a movie that never actually got watched. It’s been 23yrs together, 20 of that married in September, and 2 kids. 

[WizeGuy]

My wife and I met on Tinder. I wasn't using it for a hook-up site. To be honest, I would go to the bar and meet women that way. Unfortunately, that led to a lot of crazy stories, so I avoided dating a woman I met at a bar like the plague. Obviously, that doesn't mean it won't work for others, but I had too many bad experiences.

Our first date was at a science museum since I knew she was a scientist. I was surprised at how attractive she was. I tried online dating before, this was before Tinder, and it was a 50/50 hit or miss ratio on the girls actually looking like they did in their pictures. Although I only went on 3 or 4 dates, so wtf do I know. I was instantly attracted to her. She's the cute nerdy type with a feisty attitude. I knew there was real potential. Of course, I over thought every freakin' move since I never had a relationship last for more than a few months before her. Were things going to fast? How often should I see her? Am I texting her too much? Lame s*** like that.

The real issue was trying to say 'I love you'. For some reason those words are very difficult for me to say to someone. We ended up getting drunk one night, and I was trying (failing) to tell her how I felt. She said she'd tell me how she felt first if that was easier, but my lame a** male ego got in the way and I blurted out "I L you". I didn't say love. I said the letter L. She told me that doesn't count and to try again. After a bit more hesitation I finally said it. It's strange because I have no issue telling animals I love them, but for some reason...telling a human that was difficult. The fear of being hurt is very real. 

[vikesfan89]

Do you have the problem saying "I love you" too anyone or just romantically?

[Malfatron]

never mind lol, that wasnt directed at everyone i see

Edited June 25, 2020 by Malfatron

[vikesfan89]

Just now, Malfatron said:

not at all

was asking the wizeguy

[Malfatron]

stealth edit failed